Wandering Scarab

Conversations

2010-08-01T15:26:00.002-03:00

Some random person: Why did you marry a Canadian?

Me: Because I have a natural aversion to Arab men.

Men and their brilliant solutions...

2010-07-31T14:46:00.002-03:00

Me: Okay, I can't keep up with the sink. I wash all the dishes and then a few hours later there's more!

Husband: Then we have to stop eating.

Note To Self

2010-07-26T09:39:00.000-03:00

Rabbit food is not sustenance...

People

2010-07-17T08:29:00.006-03:00

Why people don't give a flying fuck about your problems:

Because they are selfish, mundane, intellectually challenged individuals with an overall cranial capacity of a pea and the creativity of a soap dish who have their own problems, insignificant as though they seem, and suffer from lack of imagination and tunnel vision.

Ten more to go

2010-07-13T09:06:00.005-03:00

So I'm almost at my goal weight. I have lost 130 pounds and have ten more to go. The last 10 are the hardest. On the upside, I now enjoy and love the adrenaline rush I get from exercise.

It seems like I've accidentally stumbled onto a new form of the witness protection program. People do not recognize me anymore; I am literally half my size. Not only that, but also it seems like I've become the topic of conversation at parties and friend gatherings, even ones I don't attend.

What could they possibly be saying...

36

2010-07-11T09:52:00.002-03:00

Turning 36 today; perhaps it'll be better than 35.

Just curious, what's 37 like?

What gives?

2010-06-27T01:55:00.004-03:00

What do you do when you're angry at everyone and everything?

On the Nature of Human Beings

2010-03-13T08:07:00.004-04:00

WS: Most people are selfish, ignorant and suffer from tunnel vision. They have no desire to educate themselves on matters that do not have a direct impact on their life, even if their actions negatively affect others. Our actions are inherently self serving even those that relate to our offspring such as protecting and providing for our children. Its purpose is to ensure the survival of our species, and to increase our genetic pool within the population. From a logical point of view, it makes total sense yet it seems oddly disturbing.

Friend 1: It is nothing to do with good, evil or anything... humans are merely an evolved life form, with our roots in the primal survival matrix that was the early biosphere of our world. We squirmed and killed and ate our way up from RNA-infused amino acids to become bankers, doctors, engineers, assassins, and computer geeks... yet, those survival instincts from long ago remain. Some instincts yield results and the propagation of the species, while others do not. As short lived, easily damaged creatures, we seek to maintain and perpetuate ourselves, above and beyond any other considerations, including long term effects on the following generations. In the end, we are merely an oversized, over-successful virus with delusions of control, civilization, culture, and even godhood... why would it ever be expected that people would ever behave differently? Just saying....

Friend 2: Well, most folks like to think that there is some kind of inherent "good" or "nobility" in humanity. Of course, these are the same folks who don't like to watch or read international news because the brutal truth hurts their sensibilities.

Friend 1: Hence my evolution lesson... just because a certain percentage of people think one way (that people are fundamentally good) does not make them automatically right, nor are they wrong either. However, growth and perpetuation of the species can be seen as an absolute "positive" (as the opposite, would tend to be pretty bad for the continuation of the breed), and since fostering that continuation on a species level, after a certain point in the evolutionary pursuit, requires more effort as a group than just individual/family unit survival skills, it could therefore be argued that "goodness" is indeed the goal of humans in order to ensure the species survives... Just because people fail to live up to the concept does not mean that the objective isn't there - it just means that being good isn't always the highest priority for some.

Friend 2: The reality is that for every "good" person in a crowd, there are 99 people who just don't give a shit.

WS: I concur, which is why there are days when jumping in front of a speeding bus seems like the most logical thing to do.

Weight Issues

2010-02-25T13:58:00.005-04:00

OK, I used to think that there are no cons to losing weight. Lately, however, I've discovered a few. One glaring issue is the break off in communication from some family and friends. Could someone be that bitter, to shave off communication to the bare minimum, because I lost weight?

Seriously, wtf???

Check out other not-so-profound finds here.

In Memory of Sarah

2010-01-05T21:13:00.003-04:00

It's been four years and I am still in pain over losing you. This time of year is especially difficult, though one thing has changed. I am not only sad and hurt but also angry. They tell me that it gets less painful with time; that I will heal as time passes. It's not happening. I am getting angrier and sadder about your loss as the years pass. I am so consumed by sorrow and grief that I could not bring myself to visit you this year. I have a rage inside me that's been slowly brewing. I am incredibly upset at the thought of not having you in my life. I am enraged that they took you away from me before I could hug you. Every time I walk by your sister's room I can't help but think that I would have had two little angels playing in the little playhouse; that you could have built snowmen out in the snow; that you would be going to the park together. None of that will happen now. I even miss you at the family photo shoot.

They tell me you were a gift from God, but who gives a gift and then takes it back? They tell me that God is wise and that he has a purpose for everything, but I can't find a purpose for losing you. They tell me that God is merciful, but I only see his cruelty. God and I have always had our differences, but since you've been gone, him and I went our separate ways. I hope you're on better terms than I am with him.

Pontification

2009-11-04T18:15:00.007-04:00

The people who believe that dependence on men inherently gives women the upper hand in a relationship... are they intellectually challenged?

After being on your feet for 8 straight hours, can you declare a shoe comfortable when you are ache and pain free?

Do bugs have a biological clock, and is it malfunctioning if they are still flying around when it's minus 2?

Is it caring for the disadvantaged that distinguishes the civilized from the barbaric?

Are Dora and Diego encouraging all Hispanics to do nothing but produce babies?

Is it an attempt by evolution to protect our hearing by having our ears not recognize certain decibels that only a screaming child can produce?

Is it vain to want to contact your old school buddies and then decide against it because you think none of them are worth the effort?

Does the fucking road construction ever end?

Will we develop telekinetic abilities some day?

We made it to the moon but will we ever be able to travel to other galaxies?

Does it make you old if you only recognize songs from the 90's and before?

Why are beer commercials the best ones?

What happens inside a snowflake?

How many morons are on the road?

Is winter settling in early this year just out of spite?

More later....

The Damsel in Distress Syndrome

2009-10-29T15:55:00.005-03:00

I am generally a patient person. Recently, however, I have grown tired and impatient with my fellow Egyptian sisters who demonstrate to me how few of them are able to slip out of the noose of injustice wrapped around their collective necks.

I often marvel at the number of mothers, daughters, and sisters who talk about what they deserve as a right yet revel in playing the damsel in distress. They blame their inability to achieve what they want on the unchallenged authority of the men in their family. I believe that where there's a will, there's a way. Think of yourself as a victim and you will always be one. We make our own dreams; we set our own goals. We know our strengths and our shortcomings. Anyone can do anything if they set their mind to it. I have done this time and time again. I am not special nor are the other strong women I know. Overcoming the traumas we experience in our life is part of living. Victory doesn't come in just one flavour. Defeat is only momentary. It is fear of defeat and thus the lack of trying that keeps those women subdued.

At best, the Egyptian Jane (or Laila, as many would like to refer to her) seems lost and confused. At worst, she is being misled by a variety of women's movements and groups who claim to support women but do very little for them. I can't say that they are all evil, and I realize that I am not obligated to help but I actually believe in women's rights and if those organizations can manage to bring about change then I want to do my part to make that dream come true. Still, I have been told that such groups won't affect much because they don't even know what they want. At first I thought that as the case with any cause when it starts, there is a lot of vagueness and a general direction without a focused mission. I thought that perhaps with time, things will become clear. Unfortunately, some of those groups have been around for a while without any indication that they have come any closer to figuring out what their goals are and how to achieve them.

After much thought, I have come to believe that in this case, time is not a factor. We have people who are leading those movements into a sort of regression without even realizing it. For instance, many of them call for freedom and equality between women and men. Their actions, however, speak louder than words. Their actions demonstrate that they don't really want equality or freedom, which begs the question - do they even know what freedom is?

As of late, I have noticed that many of those groups do not achieve what their founders set off to do. I am fairly certain that the founders' intentions are noble. They genuinely care about women. I don't think they have hidden agendas and I don't think their personal gain is substantial. Naturally, the group's intentions are clear, it's motivation obvious, but the application is flawed because it's goal is diluted. Such groups have become jaded about some of the deeply seeded issues facing women today. Hence, the distorted version of freedom and equality.

I think freedom comes with responsibilities. And these women want the freedom without the responsibilities. They don't really want to be equals. How many of them believe that it's a man's responsibility to solely provide before and after marriage, whereas it's optional for women? How many of them believe that it's okay to work within the confines of the prison that they have created for themselves? How many of them believe that they have the right to manipulate men? How many of them believe that women should be able to choose their line of work freely, but at the same time believe that there should be special conditions for women who need to go home early so they don't walk home late at night? How many of them believe that a women is entitled to a good home and money that is to be supplied by the husband? How many of them demand that women be free to travel without a man, yet shun other women who actually do it?

This is not equality. This is special treatment. It's very similar to the whole gay issue in North America. In my opinion, many gay organizations that call for the rights of gays have done a great disservice to the cause. Gay organizations want special treatment; they want special protection under the law, so that if a crime is committed against someone who is gay then it automatically becomes a hate crime. This is why there has been a lot of resistance to pass laws that support gay people. It's not because the average Joe hates gays. On the contrary, he has nothing against gays, but it's because those organizations are asking for impossibilities. Isn't any violent crime a hate crime? Is a gay man's life somehow worth more than a straight man's life? We have similar problems with racial crimes. When a white man kills a black man the first assumption is that it is a hate crime because it is racially motivated. Similarly, I think these women want special treatment under the law.

In the past, I have dealt with members of many organizations that call for women's rights. Initially, I encountered problems. Communication breakdown was primarily responsible for those problems. It was as if I was on a different wavelength altogether. I was often told that what I say is "unclear" or doesn't make sense. An Egyptian friend of mine once said...

You speak a different language altogether. I do not mean English, Arabic or such. You speak a cerebral language. They are more into the "touchy, feely" approach. You are a person who will get out of her way to achieve what she believes in; they are seeking relief in venting.

Laila is an emotional , timid, young girl who is restive under society's heavy-handed control, yet dreads being called defiant or recalcitrant. She will talk the talk, and will be content with limited success. I think she seeks relief and some measure of change but nothing audacious or earth shattering. Dont expect her to take drastic measures or to reinvent herself. The risks and costs are too great for her to do that. Yes, she is emotionally and socially stunted, and will produce another generation of slightly less stunted daughters. Change will not come at an exponential rate.

I have grave doubts about the effectiveness of [those groups]. Their goals aim mainly to collect and document testimonies and personal histories as a form of self expression and to raise awareness. Nowhere do they state where do they envisage going from there, who exactly is their target group, nor how far do they see the ripples of their 'movement' affecting the larger society. The intention is noble, the need great, but it can only skim the surface...they are only talking amongst themselves.

The premise that women deserve better because they have been abused for so long and that somehow this entitles them to more is a very limited, perhaps even myopic, view of the issues surrounding women's rights. Women do not deserve better but are entitled to the same rights as everyone else, and that includes all the responsibilities that are an extension of those rights. To separate the two would be foolish. Those groups inadvertently demonize men while disregarding that women's contributions are part of what makes patriarchal societies flourish.

As women, our ability to empathize puts us at a most advantageous position to negotiate our disagreements and misunderstandings. Our ability to carry offspring within us provides us with an opportunity to connect; it does not give us the right to manipulate, threaten, and withhold. Our ability to raise children is our chance to leave a strong legacy; it does not give us the right to dictate who those children should be. Our sexual appeal is a positive method of communication; it does not give us the right to control and dominate.

It is one of my dreams, and perhaps an unattainable one, that all Egyptian women are set free. But before they demand freedom from those who keep them restrained, they have to free themselves from within first.

The fundamental lesson here: Freedom is not given. It is taken.

Freedom

2009-10-23T06:33:00.004-03:00

Writing has become so distant to me nowadays with all the hullabaloo happening in my life. This post serves as a reminder to myself to delve into the topic further.

I've heard so many people throwing around the word freedom and how Arabs need freedom and need this and that. As Arabs, we vilify Americans; we hate the very people we look up to; we study their methods to find out how we ourselves can gain our freedom yet we demonize Americans at every step. As a nation of Arabs, I don't think we have the experience nor the mental acuity to understand what freedom is. We are very happy to step over each other. This facade of brotherly love and Arab unity that we keep reeling in our heads is nothing but a miserable and self fulfilling prophecy for absolute failure. As Arabs we do nothing to further our cause for freedom. We have no insight into what makes a human life valuable. We have no appreciation for what it means to have quality of life. And yet we want freedom; we demand it, but we don't want to work for it nor do we understand it. We want Americans to fight our battles and give us our democracy. We want all the glory but when democracy fails (and it will) we will gladly point the finger at America.

I have no special love for Americans over any other nation, but my god people, give credit where credit is due. Americans deserve a level of respect for shaping the very definition of freedom.

The Americans we demonize have come to understand many of the benefits and drawbacks of freedom and democracy. As a nation, they are well aware that democracy and freedom go hand in hand and that's part of what makes this duo a double edged sword. Look at their earlier battles; the George Washingtons, the John Adams, and the Thomas Jeffersons. They understood the nature of the beast that is democracy and liberty before embarking on their journey to acquire freedom. Contrary to Arabs, Americans understand what it is to be American. America is synonymous with freedom because every American knows the meaning of the words "don't tread on me". They don't need a flag to remind them of who they are, where they came from, and how they got there. They don't need us or anyone else reminding them of what patriotism is.

Americans were one of the first ones. Everyone else followed suit. We need to grow up. If we want to be treated as adults and taken seriously then we have to stop playing in the sandbox. America is not obligated to help us nor should it. It's irresponsible and infantile to demand anything from America. We have to fight our own battles. After all, that is how America became America.

Absent

2009-10-19T11:15:00.003-03:00

I know I have been absent lately, with good reason. Though I am currently not in the frame of mind to elaborate, I will say that I absolutely resent the fact that I have to fear the death of my child because, sadly, it's an experience I've been through before. I really, really, really hate the feeling that the odds are stacked against me, and I really fucking despise people who put my child's life in jeopardy, even if their actions are unintentional. Stupidity has no bounds.

It is a sick and horrifying feeling to watch your child lie in a hospital bed and think, what am I going to do this time if I lose her.

To say that I am angry would be a serious understatement.

RANT - Annoying Things That Annoying People Do

2009-09-29T11:06:00.012-03:00

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF PROFANITY

Drivers who don't use a turn signal.

People who drink directly out of the milk or juice container.

People who don't use coasters. The same ones who stain my couch when they use it to rest their coffee cup.

People who chew food with their mouth open and smack their lips.

Going through the drive thru, then having to go back when they screw up my order. What is hard to understand about "NO MAYONNAISE"?

Asking for a sub with no mayo or mustard, at Subway and then watch them cut my sandwich with the same knife they used to cut another sub that was loaded with mustard or mayo.

People who get all up in my business.

People who break something that belongs to me, apologize half heartedly and do not offer to replace it.

People that interrupt me when I'm telling a story only to tell me theirs and then feign interest in the rest of my story.

Drivers who won't turn right on red. Read the fucking Driver's Manual before you hit the road, moron. We have better things to do than wait for you to catch up.

People who ignore yield signs, especially when it's my right of way.

Conspiracy theories. Seriously, get a life.

Being asked my account number after I already entered it using the keypad on my phone. Isn't the whole point of entering that information into the automated system is so that you can "better assist me"?

Not washing hands after using the bathroom. That's just unsanitary.

People who use a knife to butter their toast, and leave crumbs in the butter container.

People who don't perform their duties at work, and expect me to pick up the slack. Perhaps if you'd care to deposit your pay check into my bank account, I might be inclined to do that on a regular basis. Otherwise, please get your shit together.

People who leave the toilet seat up. There's nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night to pee and then getting a heart attack because you almost fell ass backwards into the toilet.

People who take forever to order food while I'm in line. Make up your mind before you get to the counter.

People who do all their complicated banking at the drive through machine. There is a reason it's called a "drive thru", dunce.

Car alarms that go off in the middle of the night, or anytime.

Someone standing over my shoulder reading the computer screen.

People who write "Noone" instead of "No one".

Dirty dishes in the sink. That drives me crazy.

People who habitually need favours. At some point, a favour turns into a demand, especially when it inconveniences me.

How electronic items are wrapped in this shatterproof plastic like they're going to runaway and then I end up cutting myself on the sharp edges of the stupid plastic.

Anything related to UPS.

Stupid companies who use UPS to ship their stupid products.

Fucktards who take up two parking spaces because they can't park for shit.

Films censored or dubbed for network television. I'd like to enjoy the movie, not concentrate on lip syncing.

People that don't list prices on websites, especially when selling a used item, and instead say "Make me an offer".

People who leave the cap off toothpaste.

Women who wear too much perfume. Similarly, men who wear too much cologne.

People who cannot answer a simple, straightforward question and they waste twenty minutes of my time babbling about everything except the answer to my simple, straightforward question.

When I order a salad at a restaurant and they bring it to me at the same time as my dinner. There is a reason a salad is in the appetizer section of the menu. It's not meant to be part of the main meal you idiot.

People who don't know the difference between they're/their/there or you're/your. It drives me insane.

When I'm invited to a bbq with people I've never met before, and the host doesn't introduce me to any of them. Why bother inviting me at all then?

Stores that sell a really nice outfit but only have two sizes left (a gazillion in size XS and three in size 4X), neither of which fit me.

People who leave shopping carts in the parking lot instead of taking them back to the corral. Are your legs broken?

Finding a dent in the back of my car because fuckface left the shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot and the wind blew it right into my car.

People who go the wrong way in a parking lot. Are you retarded or just blind?

Unexpected company. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a life. Please use the phone before you grace me with your presence.

When someone with a full cart of groceries gets into the 10 items or less line. Basic math, people. It's not rocket science.

Ignorant people, especially the ones who keep saying that they are "open-minded" or "non judgmental".

Driving somewhere and having the sun in my eyes.

Driving somewhere, having the sun in my eyes, and then sneezing.

Movie sequels that are unnecessary.

Drivers who tailgate.

The "yes but" people.

People who place the spoons and forks in the wrong section of the drawer. Is it that difficult to tell where they belong?

People who let aggressive dogs off the leash. You may trust your dog, but I don't trust your dog. Put a fucking leash on the dog or put a bullet in it.

When I'm eating something and someone takes a piece off my plate without asking.

Retail clerks that ignore me to help someone on the phone.

People who don't pick up after themselves.

People who say 'aspartane' instead of 'aspartame'.

People who turn off the lights and I'm still in the room.

People who ask me for advice and then argue with me when I give it to them.

People who don't RSVP to an event.

People who write something rude, and then follow it up with a smiley face :) That's retarded.

People who leave their children in their cars while they run into the store.

People who always have to be right and have the last word.

People who no matter what relate to something I have done and try to "one up" me. It's not a competition you fool.

People who write on the board and then they erase it to write something else, but they don't erase all of it, so you still see half of a letter here and there.

Fax machines that call my home number.

Tele fucking marketers.

Drivers who signal after they make a lane change. I'm sorry but what's the point then?

People who don't cash checks I give them in a timely manner.

People who don't use deodorant.

Freezer burnt ice cream.

People who leave a drop of milk or juice in the box and then put it back in the fridge. Just finish the God damn thing already!

People that cancel plans constantly.

Taking forever to leave a parking space while others are clearly waiting for it. We don't have time to wait while you search for your lost brain cell.

People sitting at a red light and continuing to sit there when the light turns green because they're on their cell phone.

People who are always late.

Men who ogle or whistle at women who walk down the street. What are you, twelve?

When I come out of the shower and discover there is no towel on the rack.

Needless meetings.

People who turn their music up full blast and have no consideration for others.

People who stare.

People who leave milk out of the fridge while they eat their cereal and forget to put it back when they are done.

People who open a cabinet door or drawer and leave it open. The same ones who open all the cabinets and drawers in the kitchen to dry the dishes and put them back, so that my kitchen looks like that creepy scene from Sixth Sense.

When someone starts to watch a show or movie in the middle of it and expects me to tell them what's happening.

People who leave farts in elevators that I subsequently enter. Then the next person thinks it's me.

People who keep their Christmas lights up until March.

Overuse of the word "Like".

People who skim instead of reading.

People who scratch their fingernails on a blackboard, and think it's funny.

Websites with horizontal scrolling. I HATE those.

People who use unnecessary abbreviations, like w/e (whatever), w/o (without) and j/k (just kidding).

Walking into spider webs.

Spiders, especially the ones that have taken up residence in my front porch.

People that don't answer e-mail.

People who borrow stuff and never give it back.

When people call me but are talking to someone else when I answer and I have to wait till they stop talking. Pay attention or don't call you imbecile.

When you sit down at a restaurant and the waiter/waitress spends time cleaning other tables, when there are lots of empty tables, instead of taking your order.

When the tracking system for delivery isn't up-to-date.

Gray snow that won't melt; piled up on the side of the road.

Bad breath.

People who don't use spell check.

Piling up clothes in the corner of the room instead of putting them in the hamper.

Hair on the soap.

Loud motorcycles.

Shopping carts with broken parts.

Going out to dinner with a big group, eating $10 worth of food and having to split the whole bill and ending up paying much more than you ate.

People who pick their nose in public.

Car passengers that throw their doors wide open without first checking to make sure it is safe to do so.

Lazy people.

People who spit on the ground and don't look first to see if anybody is around.

Being put on speakerphone.

Obnoxious doorbell ringers.

Delivery guys who ring my door bell and then leave if I don't answer within ten seconds. Do you seriously expect people to sit by the door waiting for deliveries? We have lives to run and schedules to keep. Wankers!

Spyware, popups, and malicious script.

When people change the TV channel without asking.

People at a store who wait in a long checkout line, and then when they finally need to pay they take forever to find their check book/cash/credit card. WTF were you doing for the last twenty minutes!?

Stores that charge extra if I pay by credit card.

Slow people walking in front of me.

People who stop at the top or bottom of an escalator.

People who pee anywhere other than in a toilet. Urinating in the street or on public property is disgusting and uncivilized.

People who write checks during check-out. What are we, in the Stone Age?

Men who talk down to women.

How clothes hangers get all tangled with each other.

Unsolicited advice. If I want your advice I'll ask for it.

People who judge how I raise my child, especially if they are not parents, themselves.

Trying to resolve an issue over the telephone, only to be directed to "press this number", umpteen times.

Speed bumps.

People who constantly get up in movie theatres. Go the fuck home and wait for the movie to come out on DVD, otherwise sit down and shut up.

PeOpLe WhO tYpE LiKe ThIs. You need to be admitted to a psychiatric facility.

Anti-climactic endings to movies. It's almost as if the writer took all the good ideas, put them in a big bag and then had a steamy big dump inside the bag right before he sealed it.

People who park their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, block the way for others and then walk away to gather items.

Junk mail.

When people don't rinse their dishes before they put them in the sink.

People who stop right in front of me when I'm walking.

People who have no idea what "personal space" is.

Dirty restaurant bathrooms. If that's the shape of the bathroom, what's your kitchen like?

People who roll at stop signs.

People who don't listen when I'm talking to them and ask me to repeat what I just said.

People that don't return my phone calls. Unless you're dead, I expect you to return my call.

People who can't decide on one channel, and constantly flip back and forth.

Getting behind someone that will not drive up to the speed limit.

People who straddle multiple lines at the store. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Family members who do not talk to me for years, but when they need or want something, act like nothing happened.

Gossip.

Things sticking out of drawers.

Cable service people that don't show up on time.

Leaving the empty toilet paper roll on the roller and placing the new one right beside it or on the counter. Is it that difficult to replace the darn thing? You're right there, sitting on the toilet doing nothing but exercising your sphincter. Surely you can multitask.

When shirts shrink in the dryer, especially when they claim to be preshrunk.

People who don't hold the elevator for me.

People that say they don't like a certain food before they try it, and refuse to eat it.

Pieces of fat on meat.

Companies that outsource their customer service to India, and claim that they are serving me better, meanwhile they neglect to teach the service reps how to speak English.

Customer service reps in India, who can barely speak English but identify themselves as "Jonathan Baker" or "Jennifer Smith". Did you think I was born yesterday?

People who tell me "You gotta try this! It's the coolest thing ever!" And when I do try it, I discover that it sucks big donkey dick.

Kids with baggy pants hanging below their ass. Wouldn't it be more efficient to NOT wear the pants altogether?

When a company sends a letter notifying me of an increase in rate, especially one that opens with: "In order to serve you better."

People who spit when they talk.

Water running while brushing teeth. Turn the God damn faucet off! It's not that difficult.

People who interrupt me to correct my grammar/speech, paying no attention to the point I'm trying to make.

Tangled cords.

People trying to enter an elevator when people IN the elevator haven't left yet. Fucking idiots!

People who are always negative.

Driveways that make cars bottom out.

Barking dogs when I am trying to sleep.

Having to explain the same thing more than once.

People who don't say "thank you" or even acknowledge me when I hold the door for them.

When I'm having a conversation with someone, & I'm in the middle of telling a story and some rude idiot walks up and starts a conversation with the person I'm talking to, as if I'm not even there!

People that wait until the last minute.

People that burp loudly in public.

Wobbly tables.

When coffee spills out of the top hole of lids on to-go coffee cups.

Hypocrites.

People who make small talk with a cashier when there's a long line behind them.

Eating in bed and leaving crumbs. It's incredibly annoying!

Spammers.

Tree huggers.

People who believe that organic food is healthier and better than non-organic food.

People who don't know the difference between "allergy" and "intolerance".

Apologies

2009-09-13T07:53:00.005-03:00

I know I have not been updating this blog regularly. Even worse, many good people have sent emails and I have not responded. I am not ignoring you I promise. There are mitigating factors, which I won't go into detail about right now. Suffice it to say that persistence, perseverance, and levelheadedness can sometimes keep you afloat, especially when things go awry. Those of you who are more familiar with my situation will appreciate the news that my uphill battle with the new place is finally starting to payoff. Sometimes people do not understand the severity of a situation until they witness the crisis first hand.

I am told that pioneering anything involves a lot of hard work and is very difficult especially at the beginning, but I take comfort in the fact that I am paving the way for other families who are in similar situations to mine.

So, my apologies to everyone, and sincere thanks, especially to Syn and Marwa for being so wonderful.

Cockamamy with a cherry on top

2009-08-25T12:38:00.004-03:00

Yesterday was a horrid day. I had a situation at hand that progressed from a SNAFU to a TARFU and in no time became a FUBAR. Currently, investigation is taking place to determine what started it and how to prevent it from happening again.

In the meantime, what happens when you have a problem with no viable solutions?

Cack!

Does love really conquer all?

2009-07-30T20:34:00.005-03:00

Setting: Grad House

Three ladies at the table directly behind mine...

Lady 1: It can't be that bad. Love is beautiful, you just have to work at it. They say love conquers all.
Lady 2: That's such a romantic view of things... besides it's not so cut and dry.
Lady 3: No, but people break up for a reason right?
Lady 1: Does he wanna break up with you?
Lady 3: No, he never mentioned anything, but I just don't feel the same you know.. I don't feel anything.

A few seconds of silence...

Lady 3: I mean I love him and all.. but I just don't want to be with him.

A few whispers and then a burst of laughter...

Lady 2: So...?
Lady 3: No, it's not that at all. But I don't want to spend time with him you know. I just don't have any interest in anything he wants to do.
Lady 1: Maybe you just need to do different things.
Lady 3: I dunno. I don't know what's wrong but I just find him so aggravating. Like it's nothing specific that he does but just everything he does annoys the hell outta me.
Lady 2: Hmmm... rough.
Lady 3: I think maybe I'm not in love anymore. I just don't know how to tell really.

More silence...

Lady 3: How do you know if you have fallen out of love?
Lady 2: Hey hun.. if you have to ask, then you're already there.

Food for thought: Does love really conquer all... and are you really there if you indeed ask?

Flu

2009-07-02T10:52:00.002-03:00

Stomach Flu = becoming intimately familiar with the toilet

Conclusion: Flu shot is completely useless...

The Weight Loss Plight

2009-06-23T13:49:00.008-03:00

In recent months, I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. Some of it weight that I have gained in the previous pregnancies, but most of it weight that I've gained in the past ten years. Those of you who follow the wandering waistline blog know that I've lost over 50 pounds and I continue to lose more. I document my progress there, as well as my ups and downs. I would like to lose another 50 pounds which would put me at an ideal weight for whatever charts or numbers they use at the doctor's office. Personally, I just want to reach a weight where my body is at a lower risk for heart disease. I'm not looking to wear a swimsuit any time soon; I just don't want to land on an operating table.

What I find interesting is not so much the number of people who noticed that I've shrunk in size, but the number of people who've elaborated on how great I look and in the same breath tell me that I will most likely gain all that weight back or will reach a "plateau" where I will never be able to lose any more. I'm pretty sure I understand the basic psychology behind this; find something negative about someone else's positive experience to justify the failure to achieve the same positive result when going through the same experience. What do you call that, deflection perhaps? I don't know. Perhaps therapists out there could provide the proper term for it.

And I've heard it all too, the questions. How did you do it? What are you doing? Is that all? You mean you don't take any drugs, no special foods? What about diets, what diet are you following? People expect miracles or some magic formula. I keep repeating the same thing over and over again. I eat a balanced meal three times a day and I exercise at least twice a week. Yes, it works and it is extremely difficult, but if you keep at it you will get results and you will feel much better.

I admit, I am ecstatic about the way I look now, because the results have given me motivation but initially my sole reason for losing weight was strictly health related. I did not want to suffer from a stroke in my late thirties. I know some people see it as discriminatory but really, it is a known medical fact. Obesity puts people at risk. Overweight people are much more likely to get heart disease. And in most cases I believe it is a choice to aim towards a better functioning body when losing weight.

I am aware that as soon as most people see a fat person the first thing that comes to their mind is how much that person is likely stuffing his/her face with ungodly amounts of food. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I used to be a thin person. I am now a fat person (OK much less fat than before but still, I'm not what you'd call thin, and I certainly do not knock guys left and right with my overwhelming beauty). But I have a lot of sympathy for big people, because it is so unfair to be judged based on your size. How does the saying go - Don't judge a book by its cover. I can accept fat jokes with humor and all, but I think talking down to overweight people is nothing short of rude and impolite, especially from some individuals who have never struggled with obesity themselves.

For many of us "fat folk" it's not about an uncontrollable desire to eat food, but instead, an uncontrollable desire to skip food. Many fat people are fat because they don't eat enough. Would you believe me if I told you that the reason I gained weight was because I stopped eating? Yes, sometime when I was in college, I started drinking lots of coffee and I stopped eating three meals a day. I would eat once a day, sometimes once every two or three days. I would eat at night only, after the day is over. I would finish school in the day, then hop the bus to catch the evening shift at work, and come home at 10 at night completely beat, shovel food into my mouth and sleep. I was consuming one third of the calories I am currently consuming, yet I was gaining weight. My metabolism had slowed down considerably, and my body went into starvation mode because that is what I was doing to it - STARVING IT. So anything I ate was automatically stored for future use. This is what our bodies are designed to do. Think about it for a minute. What happens when you starve a cat for a week, and then you give it food? It will eat and stuff itself as much as it can, because it thinks that food will only come once a week. So contrary to what most people believe, obesity is a result of an ill-functioning body. Whether that means someone who eats a lot, someone who eats very little or a chemical imbalance like a thyroid problem, the results remain the same - a body that cannot function properly whatever the reason.

It is important to understand that losing weight is not about dieting, but about a healthier lifestyle. I realize that many have suffered through yo-yo diets and false promising drugs only to discover that such methods are ineffective. Our bodies are machines. They require good quality fuel and regular maintenance to operate at maximum efficiency. That means healthy food and exercise along with regular physical check ups if necessary. And in turn that means that if I stop exercising and start eating junk food, I will, without a doubt, start to gain weight again. In order to keep the weight off I have to continue exercising while cutting down on sugar and fat intake. There is no other healthy way to keep the weight from creeping back up. Maintenance is key.

Forget about diets, drugs, or herbs. They don't work, not long term at any rate. Eat proper food, drink lots of water, and do your crunches. If it worked for me, it could work for anyone. There is nothing special about me or my body. It's all in the power of the mind. Find what motivates you, and you're half way there.

And remember, it's not all roses. You will have some ups and downs, but keep your chin up and you will persevere.

Language Barrier of a Different Kind

2009-06-12T16:59:00.005-03:00

Setting: Our kitchen, right after grocery shopping.

Me: (opening the freezer) Would you hand me the meat please?

Him: You mmff iszz sho beeg?

Me: Say that again? (as I re arrange the shelves)

Him: Your bum is still big.

Me: (removing head from freezer) What the hell!?

Him: What?

Me: What do you mean "your bum is still big?"

Him: (laughing hysterically) I said, hey you bought boneless steak!

Note to self: Freezer may cause auditory hallucinations...

Sad News

2009-05-21T08:51:00.003-03:00

I have been suffering from a nasty cold for the past few days. I woke up from my zombified coma this morning to discover some really sad news. The grandson of Hosni Mubarak has passed away. But what I find shocking is the reaction of others.

Let me tell you, as a parent who has lost a child, I am highly aware of the pain involved. Children are supposed to outlast their parents. No parent should ever have to bury a child, and it's a dark dark day when that happens. There is no greater pain and you are left with a big scar that remains with you for life.

What I find offensive and obtuse is the premise that the death of this child is a punishment for Mubarak at the hands of God. Seriously, is that what God is about? God exacts his punishment on a 12 year old? Wouldn't it have been more effective to take the life of Mubarak instead? After all, he's an adult and responsible for his own actions.

I didn't even think about Mubarak when I read the news. In fact, my initial thoughts were about the parents of the child, and the pain they are experiencing right now. My deepest sympathies to every parent who has lost a child, including the parents of Mohammed Alaa Mubarak.

Let's all show some compassion and respect, shall we...

Bad News

2009-05-11T14:22:00.003-03:00

It is incredibly nerve wracking to wait for news that affects someone's life. And it is disappointing on so many levels when the news is bad. But it is even more annoying when the info provided is half ass. Bad news is bad enough. It doesn't need lack of information along with it to muddy things that much more. Isn't it the responsibility of the news bearer to provide full disclosure? And now I have to play the run around to get the information required.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Food for thought...

2009-05-06T13:57:00.005-03:00

Different people, different situations, at different times, this past week demand a new outlook. I've made a realization. The difference between someone who articulates their thoughts well on paper and a good writer, lies in the writer's ability to convey his/her full range of emotions through the written text, as if you are conversing with the writer. I am not a writer, and certainly not a good one; I belong to the other group. I articulate my thoughts well on paper but the buck stops here. In the past week I've written several different emails, comments, and other text, where people have completely misunderstood the conveyed emotion.

Note to self: It may be necessary to start using emoticons along with speech idioms.

OMFG!

Pontification...

2009-05-05T13:37:00.003-03:00

Recent conversations about gender issues got me thinking about the impact of sexual misinformation in Arab countries on the public perception of women and how they perceive their sexual individuality (or lack thereof). And that got me wondering, how many Arab women identify with the post The Speculum, and how many of those women feel liberated vicariously through the author, who also happens to be an Arab woman.

Internet Trolls

2009-04-28T13:12:00.009-03:00

I make a point of visiting all my favourite blogs on a weekly basis. I read many interesting posts and on occasion will participate by submitting a comment. Lately, however, there seems to be a growing number of internet trolls. A troll is a creature that wanders into forums and blogs, with malicious intent to generally interrupt online discussions by flinging their excrement everywhere, and incites others into responding emotionally.

Trolls will often deliberately leave comments that aggravate and enrage commentators. They bate people into responding to their excrement so that they can get the satisfaction of knowing that they have an effect on others. Trolls come in all different shapes and sizes, but are mainly divided into four types.

Mischievous Trolls
Such trolls have a humorous intent. Often, they are a "regular" who has temporarily adopted a new identity in order to play a good-natured prank. They are not abusive to members and rarely create trouble within a community. Generally there is no harm in responding to them. Some members may find mischievous trolls to be annoying, particularly if their presence leads to lengthy threads that distract the community from its true intent; other members inevitably find that the troll's humor and light-hearted antics provide the community with an opportunity to laugh together, thereby enhancing and strengthening community bonds.

Mindless Trolls
Mindless trolls have a tendency to post lengthy stories of questionable belief thus promoting good facial tone in members due to excessive eye-rolling. They are generally harmless. On rare occasion, the fictitious posts of a mindless troll may lead to insightful debate and discussion. Aside from encouraging them, there is generally no harm in responding.

Malicious Trolls
A malicious troll arrives with the intent of being blatantly abusive to the group and/or specific individuals within the group. One of their characteristics is that within a very short time of gaining access they begin targeting and harassing members using both low-end and high-end tactics. In some cases, the troll has a prior history with the group or someone within the group. In other scenarios, the troll is simply looking for a fresh meat market.

Destructive Trolls
The primary purpose of this type of troll is to completely destroy the group it has infiltrated. Destructive trolls may work on their own, or possibly in teams or gangs.

Remember the golden rule: In all cases, the best response to a malicious or destructive troll is absolutely NO RESPONSE. Trolls will only stay where they are well fed. That means no responses to his/her every post to inform the community it is a troll post; no sly innuendo, no veiled implications or threats - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. If members wish to discuss the troll, they should do so in a private venue such as e-mail. In a community where sharking or personal attack is not permitted, where members have been educated and further, taken prudent precautions to protect themselves from the worst forms of harassment, where the community-at-large has been trained to not feed conflict, and where officials are empowered to act in the community's best interest, TROLLS CANNOT FLOURISH.

Because trolls often seek acknowledgment through various means of conversation and discussion, the best way to deal with trolls is to deny them recognition. So the next time one of them wanders into your backyard remember, DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS!!

Canadian Held Captive

2009-04-23T19:01:00.004-03:00

This article peaked my interest. Here is an excerpt:

A Quebec woman is pleading for help from the Canadian government to help her daughter escape what she says is an abusive marriage in Saudi Arabia.

Nathalie Morin, 23, is married to a Saudi Arabian man she met in Montreal when she was 17. They have two children, one of whom was born in Montreal.

Her mother, Johanne Durocher, has written to Foreign Affairs Minister Maxime Bernier, who replied that he is concerned about the situation, adding that consular officials have been working on the case since 2003.

However, the Foreign Affairs department's website says Canada's consulate in Saudi Arabia does not have the power to grant exit visas to Canadian citizens.

Durocher said Thursday her daughter's marriage appeared to be strong until the family moved to the Middle East. That's when things changed, she said.

"She's not allowed to go out. He beat her. He took a knife and said, 'I'm going to kill you.' He beat my grandson Samir [on] the 17th of February," Durocher said.

Morin wants out of Saudi Arabia, and out of the marriage, Durocher said. But, she said, her daughter won't leave without the children.

Under Saudi law, a wife needs her husband's permission not only to leave the country, but also to take her children with her.

Durocher says her son-in-law won't give his permission.

In addition, here is a more detailed version of the story. This is a recent telephone transcript of a conversation between Nathalie Morin and her mother, Johanne Durocher:

I want to come back to Canada. I'm Québécois.

I can say that in 2005 when I left I had a completely different idea. Today, I know, I know what I did. I completely understand that it was myself who put myself in this fix.

I would like to leave today, to come back to Canada as soon as possible with my three children.

My son is predisposed to encopresia (an intestinal disorder). My youngest has asthma crises every month. We eat our daily diet – bread, white rice and from time to time, eggs.

We are intimidated, we are scared. I am hit every two or three days. I've been locked up for a year and a half, I don't have a key, I can't use a telephone. When I go out it's with him, that's for sure. When I may use the telephone, he is not far. I am sorry, I am so sorry, but I don't want to be condemned; I need support to (begins to cry) come back to my country with my three children, to give them a life ... .

It's was me who brought my son here ... I made mistakes, but him, no, he is innocent.

I really don't want (him to stay) here for his entire life because my entire life I'll feel like I killed him.

Now, let's set this aside for a moment and take a look at the official travel report from the Canadian government to Canadians wishing to visit/settle in Saudi Arabia:

One-time visitors on a single-entry visa do not need an exit permit. Residents may not depart the country without obtaining an exit permit from the Saudi Ministry of Interior prior to leaving and an exit/re-entry permit if they intend to return to Saudi Arabia. The Saudi sponsor's approval is required for these permits. The Embassy of Canada and the Consulate of Canada cannot sponsor Canadians for an exit permit under any circumstances. The Embassy of Canada cannot intercede on entry or exit visa issues.

Canadians should be aware that women and children need the permission of a male relative to depart Saudi Arabia, whether they are married or not.

Saudi men wishing to marry foreign women are required by law to seek the permission of Saudi authorities. They have to sign a document which gives irrevocable permission to foreign women and their children to travel in and out of the country without restrictions. This law has been in effect since February 20, 2008 and is not retroactive.

I cannot absolve the Canadian government's responsibility when it comes to helping this mother and her children. Yes, Nathalie Morin made a terrible mistake, but her children do not deserve to suffer. Still, we have to give credit to the Canadian government for taking steps to help others by enacting a law in 2008 that allows Canadian women and children to leave Saudi Arabia whenever they wish to. As for the case of Morin, I don't think the Canadian Foreign Affairs will be able to do much for her, since the law is not retroactive. We hope that the persistence of Morin's mother doesn't fall on deaf ears when the case reaches the Prime Minister.

In the meantime, (and I can't believe I'm saying this again), Canadian women, please do not marry Arab men. I am an Arab woman, and I am telling you, you do not have the cultural capacity to understand Arab men. This is mainly due to the fact that you are brought up in a society that appreciates the role of women (more or less) and in general, human rights and equality are values commonly ingrained in the minds of children. Whereas in the Arab world, men are brought up to believe that they are superior to ALL women, not just Arab women. You alone will not be able to change the Arab mind.

This delicious and tempting Arab guy you are planning on marrying and moving with him to the Middle East, will not hesitate to use the full extent of his rights within the framework of the law in his country. And in his country the law is written by men for men. You are not an equal entity to men; not over there. Your perceived value is at best a responsibility to bear and at worst a liability to manage. Women in Saudi Arabia do not enjoy the freedom you enjoy in Canada. Do not put yourself in a situation where you might come to regret your actions. And if he refuses to sign a document that states you have the freedom to travel, prior to marriage, then it should be a deal breaker. Arab men do not play by the same rules. Where they come from they have the upper hand. No, of course not all Arab men are sleazy mother fuckers. But the governments in Arab countries are run by tyrants. And the law in Arab countries is written (and applied) by intellectually challenged dirtbags.

Marry an Arab man if you wish, but make sure you stay within the boundaries of the civilized world where your rights as a woman are recognized by the law. Avoid going to countries where church and state are one and the same. This rules out practically the entire Middle East. Saudi Arabia is one of the worst of the bunch.

Common sense sweetheart... in a country which refuses to acknowledge that women have the physical and mental ability to drive a vehicle, what makes you think that the very government of that country will acknowledge your rights as a human being?

The Speculum

2009-04-21T14:55:00.003-03:00

For those of you who follow Abomination, there is a new post. I have to warn you though, it does have adult content. Please don't read it if you are offended by such things. You have been warned.

Wandering Waistline

2009-04-19T21:41:00.006-03:00

UPDATE: wandering waistline is now open for those of you who are interested.

I apologize for those who were following my wandering waistline blog. It is currently closed for renovation. But rest assured, I haven't forgotten about it and the wandering waistline has been steadily shrinking. I have lost a fair bit of weight (all the weight I gained during pregnancy), so I am still on track, and will be posting of my experience with it and how it's been working for me (and the secret to my success thus far). Although I have lost a lot of weight, I am still not at my "desired" weight, whatever that means. Probably when I feel comfortable enough to wear shorts without feeling like Godzilla, or stop avoiding being on top for fear of crushing my husband.

Oh, and whoever tells you that pregnancy does NOT mess up your body, sucks big donkey dick by the way. I just think you need to know that...

Bimbo

2009-04-17T13:12:00.002-03:00

Setting: My parent's living room, in their house in Cairo.
Time: Shortly after supper.

Me: (hollering from the kitchen) I'm making tea. Does anyone want any? I hear mumbling voices of everyone agreeing.

As I put the tray on the table, my mother started handing out attractive looking chocolate biscuits wrapped in shiny golden foil. As I sipped my tea, I could hear roars of laughter from my husband and my brother.

Me: What?

Husband: (Laughing hysterically) I just ate a bimbo!

Me: You what?

Husband: I just ate a bimbo. (My brother laughing in the background.)

Me: What are you talking about? Who's a bimbo? (clueless and puzzled) You're not making any sense...

Husband: Look. (And he shows me the golden wrapper. It says in big letters BIMBO, in both English and Arabic)

Me: (laughing) Priceless.

Husband: What kind of marketing director approved this name?

Me: The same guy who approved HoHoes and Ding Dongs. (And I went back to sipping my tea.)

Husband: (with a serious look on his face) I prefer a bimbo over a ding dong.

And with that both him and my brother continued to laugh while I slowly sipped on my tea.

The Justice System is in Snooze Mode

2009-04-15T17:00:00.004-03:00

My response to Asser Yasser's trial outcome. You can view it here.

Prostitution: A Practical Perspective

2009-04-07T14:23:00.008-03:00

Some of the more compelling arguments against prostitution include, but are not limited to, the idea that prostitutes are victims who are being selfishly utilized by pimps and forced to engage in sadomasochistic sex acts. Proponents of this argument believe it is sexual harassment when a pimp requires a prostitute to submit to sexual acts as a condition of employment and that prostitution is just another name for child sexual abuse, rape, and aggravated or sexual battery. A more common argument is one supported by the belief that prostitutes choose prostitution for financial reasons, that if they had it any other way they would never resort to prostituting themselves. Many inherently believe that prostitution is evil and morally wrong. They are the same ones who believe that prostitutes are responsible for the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Others demonize prostitution by associating it with the capitalistic exploitation of women and children, and argue that it propagates human trafficking.

Some people sympathize with prostitutes but think that they are asking for trouble because prostitution is very dangerous and causes death by homicide. On the other hand many feminists are offended by prostitutes and believe that prostitution not only objectifies women and invites rape but also that it cannot be a legitimate business because it will always be associated with violence, corruption, sexual exploitation and human trafficking. Some argue that if prostitution were legal it would be like taking advantage of women who live in poverty because it would be seen as a viable job as opposed to unemployment. Although many of those arguments carry some weight I think, by far, the most pressing is the argument that prostitution creates a meshwork of sexual slavery and human trafficking for the purposes of sexual crimes.

I regard prostitution as a profession just like any other; it has it's risks and rewards. I believe the same to be true of escort services and any other sex related services. I think the exchange of money for sexual services should be legal and decriminalized. There is nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults. Sex workers of all types, whether street hookers or upscale escort services, all share one thing in common, and that is the exchange of money for sexual acts.

I think prostitution is a victimless crime in the sense that no one gets hurt when two consenting adults are involved. Forcing anyone to do anything beyond their will is a crime and is not a trait of prostitution alone, but exists in other professions as well, such as political blackmailing in politics, bribery and corruption in positions of high power, etc. Sex work does not necessitate subjugation. Many sex workers choose that line of work because they do not want to do anything else or because they simply like sex and like making money. I've had friends who worked as high class escorts who thought sex work was better than being a lawyer or an accountant or some other job they viewed as boring. It's their choice and they have the right to choose. How many people give up high paying desk jobs to pursue more active jobs or professions that have a higher risk threshold? Should they be criminalized too?

Who are we to decide what is morally wrong. Morality is a sliding scale. It differs from one person to another. Criminalizing something based on the premise that it is immoral opens the door for oppression. Why is it illegal for prostitutes to charge for sex but legal for someone to have sex everyday with a different person for free? What is it that bothers us about sex work; the money or the sex? A career option in sex work does not enslave women. Many feminists express distaste at the idea and in fact many blame prostitutes for objectifying women much the same way they view porn (but that's a story for another post). I support women's rights with voracity. The same voracity that makes me believe in freedom of choice. Each woman is responsible for her own body, and can do with it what she pleases. I also believe in the concept of free trade. Prostitution is just that - the trade of sex for money. I support the freedom to sell sexual acts in return for money.

As for the human trafficking argument, I think the opposite is true. If we recognize prostitution as a legitimate business by decriminalizing it we will bring accountability to it. By keeping it illegal we are creating the ideal setting for criminal activity to take place. Once prostitution becomes legal, sex workers' rights can be guaranteed, and they could be protected under the law just like other citizens. Violence against prostitutes is common because criminals know that they will not be held accountable for their crimes. Law enforcement personnel do not protect sex workers from violence but instead seek to arrest them. That creates the expectation that prostitutes are available as punching bags.

Legalizing the industry will help decrease the prevalence of prostitute rape. If the conditions surrounding prostitution change then the risk factors will change. And for the sake of this argument, that includes the spread of HIV and STDs. If we legalize prostitution, sex workers can have access to travel or work visas and employment permits. They would have freedom of association and collective bargaining, but more importantly occupational safety and health regulations. It is those things that will reduce the risk of HIV and STDs spreading. However, I personally believe that it is not prostitution that spreads HIV and STDs, rather the practice of unsafe sex. That's not to say that prostitution as a profession is free of problems. On the contrary, it is plagued with all sorts of them. Still, there are inherent problems with every profession. Violence seems to be an inseparable element of prostitution, but prostitutes become victims because they are vulnerable. If they enjoyed the same labour rights as other workers I believe that would make sex workers less vulnerable to crimes of violence. If we grant them the right to a safe work environment like other workers it would help protect them against crimes.

Currently, in many countries prostitution is an underground industry. We cannot effectively address the problems of sex slavery and child prostitution (among other crimes) if prostitution continues to operate in the dark and under surreptitious conditions. Criminalizing prostitution is the very thing that exacerbates abuse and exploitation. And although I am in favour of legalizing prostitution, I abhor pimping. I think if prostitution becomes a legal and legitimate business, more sex workers can set up groups or vetting services that weed out unsuitable clients or dangerous "Johns". Some places have taken steps in the right direction, but the majority have not. Currently, sex workers in Canada have set up web sites in different provinces where prostitutes and escorts can obtain information about the latest crimes and warnings against dangerous individuals and locations. In addition, they can get information about how to evaluate or assess clients. One day sex workers will be able to work freely without prejudice. I hope that day comes soon.

But if you want to view sex work from a more pragmatic perspective, consider this. Sex work involves a set of skills that are unique to certain individuals. There is a huge market for it, apparent by the fact that at present all the attempts at eliminating prostitution have failed. Sex is something that will always be greatly desired and sought after. In terms of supply and demand it makes perfect business sense. I think we should legitimize the industry by making it legal. Let's bring it out in the open and start taxing it. Sex workers should be able to submit income tax returns including deductions for professional expenses. Making it legal makes it taxable by default. From an economic perspective that just makes sense.

So the next time you find out your next door neighbour is a prostitute try to be a bit less judgmental.

Finally, I leave you with this video from Secret Diary of a Call Girl where the fabulous Billie Piper nicely sums up my view of sex workers.

Sanctioned Sexual Assault

2009-04-05T16:12:00.004-03:00

Yet another example of what happens when religion enters the bedroom. I have never seen or heard something so preposterous; a law that forces a woman to spread her legs at least twice a week. The following is an excerpt from the original article at MSNBC:

The Afghan president said Saturday he had ordered a review of a new law that critics say makes it legal for men to rape their wives, responding to criticism from around the world that included sharp comments from President Barack Obama.

The law, signed by President Hamid Karzai last month, is intended to regulate family life inside Afghanistan’s Shiite community, which makes up 10 percent to 20 percent of the country’s 30 million people. Under one article legislating the frequency of sexual relations between Shiite husbands and wives, husbands have the right to sex every fourth night unless the wife is ill.

The United Nations Development Fund for Women has said the law “legalizes the rape of a wife by her husband.”

Asked about the law at a news conference Saturday following the NATO conference in Strasbourg, France, Obama described it as “abhorrent.” He said the U.S. is communicating its views to the Karzai government.

“We think that it is very important for us to be sensitive to local culture but we also think that there are certain basic principles that all nations should uphold, and respect for women and respect for their freedom and integrity is an important principle,” Obama said.

Karzai did not mention the controversial article on Saturday but said at a news conference he had studied the law earlier in the day and that “I don’t see any problems with it.”

He complained that Western media outlets had mistranslated it. He read an article of the law during the news conference that appears to restrict Shiite women’s right to leave their homes, though Karzai underscored a provision that allows women to leave in emergencies.

And an excerpt from an article on Fox News explains the following about the article of the law:

"As long as the husband is not traveling, he has the right to have sexual intercourse with his wife every fourth night," Article 132 of the law says. "Unless the wife is ill or has any kind of illness that intercourse could aggravate, the wife is bound to give a positive response to the sexual desires of her husband."

Seriously, if that's not sanctioned sexual assault, I don't know what is. And to think she could only leave her home in case of emergencies.

I have the urge to swear, but I shall maintain my composure. My faith in the human race continues to dwindle.

Tickle His Pickle

2009-03-24T12:37:00.001-03:00

New post on Abomination for those of you who are interested.

New post

2009-03-17T20:28:00.001-03:00

For those of you who are interested or follow Asser's news, you can read my comment on her latest post here.

Dear Wife

2009-03-12T17:46:00.012-03:00

Anyone who reads this blog will notice that I'm a big fan of Marwa Rakha's work. When I got a chance to catch up on what she's been posting lately I noticed a link to an article written by one Atef El-Hadad which you can read by clicking here. He states that he wrote it in response to Marwa's article about why an Egyptian woman would want to be a mistress rather than a wife.

I really cannot see how the articles are comparable. I read them both and consider each to be a completely different animal. In her article, Marwa talks about the nature of a relationship between a man and his mistress versus his wife, and why a woman would prefer to be a mistress as opposed to a wife. Granted, there are things that I don't see in the same light Marwa does, but some of the items in Atef el-Hadad's article are just baffling.

Whatever it is, the guy is entitled to an opinion and also to publish it. Many of the comments about the article border on insult. People are clearly upset, the majority of whom have female aliases, and therefore possibly female. Just because El-Hadad has a different opinion does not make him less of a person. He is clearly writing from experience (his or those he knows) but nothing in his article indicates that his current wife is anything like the woman he describes in his post. Nonetheless, he is entitled to have an opinion and voice it. Insulting him and his kin is not exactly mature, especially when no constructive criticism is added.

I think what El-Hadad describes could be summed up in a few words; a wife who nags and is disrespectful. He describes a woman who nags incessantly while being insensitive to her partner. I can sympathize. No one wants to be with that kind of person, be it man or woman. However, there are some things that are just plain common sense, which I would expect from my partner as well as myself, or any other person I deal with. And people have the right to expect it from me. Let's look deeper at what El-Hadad says...

Shower
Initially, I agree. It is completely unreasonable to expect my husband to take a shower outside of the home upon finishing his run or his workout in the gym. And it is ridiculous to ask him to take his clothes to the dry cleaning after sweating in them. This is not only unrealistic, but also insensitive and demoralizing. My husband is the guy I am intimate with. A little bit (or a whole lot) of sweat on his clothes is not going to hurt me. This is what washers and dryers are for. And I'm not saying that laundry is designated to women. But whichever partner has agreed to do the laundry must also understand that there are no qualms about what's in the laundry, within reason. That means for example, that dropping a lump of turd in the laundry basket is unacceptable under any circumstances. But if my husband comes home after a long day at work smelling like wet dog, I would be sensitive and appreciative and launder his clothes. He's working as hard as I am to keep our family needs met.

On the other hand, comparing your wife to your mother is completely unfair and also unreasonable. Your wife is not expected to have a hot tub waiting for you, nor is she expected to have a meal ready upon entry to your home, especially if she is also a working mother. Mothers are a different breed. Before I became a mother, I would never touch anyone's shit. Now that I am a mother, I clean dirty diapers, I wipe drool, and on occasion I also clean up vomit. I can do all those things for my little girl. And I imagine I will do it forever. My mother always picked up after me when I was sick, at 5 years old, and at 20 years old. That is the nature of mothers; we are always their children and they see us as their beloved offspring. You cannot expect your wife to be the same, unless you want to be treated like a child. Your wife is your partner and your equal. Are you going to wipe her ass for her? Are you going to kiss her when she stinks? If the answer is no, then you shouldn't expect her to do the same for you. In that light, I disagree with El-Hadad when he compares his wife to his mother.

Dining out
Again, I agree with El-Hadad on the general concept. Dictating to my partner what to eat and what not or how to eat is offensive (unless he requests my aid to remind him of dietary concerns perhaps). My husband is not a child. These are all personal preferences and habits that haven't appeared overnight. People who don't like the way their partners eat should have addressed that back at the dating phase, unless they mistakenly think that they will change that partner. No one has the right to change anyone and no one is free of fault. Both partners have to be more accepting of one another. It's very much like a package deal. There are many good things, but there will also be some annoying things. If things such as eating habits and dining etiquette are deal breakers then the issue should have been addressed earlier in the relationship, perhaps during dating. But niggling about it well into marriage will chip away at it.

Snoozing and Sleeping
Once again, El-Hadad has a point. If my guy wants an afternoon siesta, who am I to interrupt it? Why sour his mood, what good is that going to do? Unless there are prior engagements or he promised to do something at a specific time, then I really have no excuse for preventing him from taking a little break. It's sensitive and sensible. A little bit of TLC goes a long way.

On the other hand, I disagree with El-Hadad's issues about teeth, feet, etc. If your partner complains about your breath, then you should fix it PRONTO. Bad breath is not only repulsive, but also unhealthy. It is perfectly reasonable to expect my partner to brush his teeth before kissing me. And he should be able to expect that from me as well. Actually, I would hope that every sane person brushes their teeth before going to bed. It is very bad form to expect your partner to want to have sex with you or kiss you if your breath wreaks, especially if you've had something like garlic, etc. The same goes for sweaty feet. In short, cleanliness is not too much to ask. On the contrary, it is to be expected.

As for that bit about the robe, it's a personal choice. If a guy wants to sleep with his robe on it's his prerogative. If he wants to throw it on the floor then so be it. I personally think that most men view the floor as one big shelf. I know my guy does. I don't nag him every night about putting away his robe or shirt. If it's bothering me I just hang it myself. There is no need to sweat the small stuff.

Sex Life
I would think that asking any man to "finish up" in the midst of sex will do nothing but ensure Erectile Dysfunction, or he will stop having sex altogether. It is disrespectful and very unloving, not to mention selfish. When I am not in the mood to have sex I just say so. I don't engage in sex and then expect my husband to finish quickly. Sex is a mutual act of love, not two machines working independently. And I don't use my kid as a lame excuse. That's just dishonest. El-Hadad mentions that some women claim to menstruate every week. Unless she is a very unhealthy woman, she should not be menstruating every week. If that is truly the case then she should get herself checked out. A woman who lies about her period is just insulting her partner's intelligence. Men are not idiots. My partner deserves an explanation if I repeatedly refuse to have sex with him, and I deserve one from him if the roles were reversed. Hence, I agree with El-Hadad on that point.

On the other hand, unexplained or sudden lack of sex may indicate that there is a problem in the relationship. It could be pregnancy, which often kills libido in the early months, or it could be a breakdown in communication. It could be something else entirely. Problems in marriage will often penetrate the bedroom and in order to solve those problems, open and honest communication has to take place. Cheating (or having a mistress) is not a solution.

TV
The equivalent of soccer in the Middle East is Superbowl in the West. This is a special time for guys because it's not only about their love of sports but also a time for men to bond. I usually catch up on all the stuff I normally don't have the time to take care of when my husband is out getting his testosterone fix. I don't fight about what show or when and where to watch it. It's very simple. We both watch the shows we like together, but I watch the shows I only like on my own time and he watches the shows he only likes on his own time. This issue raises a question though. What is the validity of a marriage where the couple are seriously fighting over the remote. Because you know, if it ever comes to that in my marriage, then it would be time to go to therapy.

Shopping
I disagree with El-Hadad for faulting a woman who fears to go shopping solo. With the sky high rates of sexual harassment in Egypt currently, most women are afraid to go out period. And although I don't live in Egypt, I often request the company of my husband when grocery shopping, sometimes for company, or moral support, and sometimes to help me carry the groceries. And he obliges if he is not otherwise occupied. As for throwing out food when it reaches the expiry date, it's common sense. I just don't see anything wrong with that. Who wants to drink sour milk? The expiry date is listed for a reason. However, women who buy things just for the sake of the sale obviously have issues. Buying children toys when you have no children is really a waste of money. It's better to wait until you actually have a child, where money can be spent on more important things like bottles and diapers as opposed to "beach toys". So El-Hadad has a point in that regard.

I disagree with his interpretation that a traditional man who loves his wife and seeks to protect her and her dignity will limit where she goes and what she does whereas he doesn't care about his mistress and so doesn't feel the need to limit her in any way. In both cases it is a clear disrespect for women in general and a very sexist view. To each his own, however. My final words would be for men and women to assess their situations carefully and try to make the best of their relationship. Marriage is about partnership. If you married someone to replace your mother then you're sadly mistaken unless you expressed your wishes in advance and your partner has agreed to take on the role of your mother.

After reading El-Hadad's article I have a few questions for pontification: would you approach your mistress with bad breath, without brushing your teeth, or with smelly feet? Would you try to hug her or kiss her right after you come home from the gym and all sweaty? If the answer is no, then why on earth would you expect that from your wife?

Mistress and wife are just labels people attach to others. Each is an individual. Your wife can easily become a mistress. Similarly your husband can become someone else's lover. Of all the people I know that have been divorced (and believe me the majority of my friends are either divorced or seperated) the partners admit that the marriage fell apart because the expectations either weren't met or were too high. Only a small number of them stated that they grew apart because one or both partners changed/matured. And there are instances where that is the case, whereby divorce seems like the best option. But in the end, it's all about open and honest communication. It is key to the survival of any marriage.

Tadweena, an enterprise that promises well

2009-03-04T10:38:00.006-04:00

I've previously written what I thought about various American shows that I frequently watch. I've also been following some Egyptian shows, mainly those geared towards change. One that really caught my eye recently is Tadweena, presented by Marwa Rakha. I've watched Marwa's interviews on various shows where she spoke about relationships. I liked what she had to say, and I found that we have a lot in common, namely the ability to remain objective while employing deductive and inductive reasoning. I also admire Marwa's creativity. She proves that she can do more than just talk about relationships. Her latest project is prime example of that.

Marwa Rakha presents Tadweena in an informal and relaxed atmosphere. The neutral background and furniture is also a bonus. Unlike the distracting bright and mismatched colours in other Egyptian talk shows, the setting of Tadweena does not make the viewer feel like there was a recent explosion of Austin Powers. Marwa is the presenter and host. She invites guests and actually gives them a chance to speak, something that many Egyptian show hosts lack the respect to do.

Tadweena differs from other shows in that it's not about relationships. It's a news type program that focuses on blogging and all it's facets, as well as other forms of "alternative media" or internet journalism. The show is Egyptian in origin and although it covers a wide range of topics, the focus is on issues pertaining to Egypt. I've seen the pilot and I'm hooked. What I find attractive about Tadweena is the fact that it's a concentrated dose of news so to speak. For example, if I'm unavailable for a few weeks and unable to visit the popular blogs or follow up on internet chatter, I can see how a few episodes of Tadweena would bring me up to speed, pronto. Based on what I've seen in the pilot, I would highly recommend it.

One of the main selling points of the show (to me at any rate) is that Marwa Rakha is the presenter and host. If you've seen Marwa on other shows or listened to her as a guest speaker you know what I mean. I find that despite Marwa's best efforts, show hosts often cannot resist the temptation to judge others nor refrain from being uncouth in guise and gesture. This is the very reason I stopped watching interview segments on other shows, except for one on Horytna. That show is about relationships - strictly for straight people, as it focuses on the interactions between male and female. I like the topics covered on Baheb Feek Eh and I really like the manner in which it's presented. Marwa comes across as a friend as opposed to the usual schoolteacher attitude we're accustomed to from other relationship gurus. The show has an equally casual atmosphere and encourages people to call in with their problems. Marwa carries that same genial characteristic in Tadweena as well.

If you can get past the judgmental commentary and self righteous demeanour of the host, then you will probably enjoy Baheb Feek Eh. Marwa is a permanent guest speaker on the show and has a lot to offer when it comes to relationship ups and downs including deal breakers. However, if you're not in need of relationship advice (but who isn't these days, eh?) yet you are a fan of Marwa Rakha then you most likely would enjoy Tadweena. And there's nothing to say you can't follow both shows. I certainly do. But if you cannot swallow the predictable idiocy of the show hosts on radio or TV, and still seek relationship advice, your best bet is Marwa Rakha.com. It's the best way to follow up on what Marwa is doing and what's on her mind as of late. She is also generous enough to include links of all her shows and various appearances so you don't have to trail the internet looking for that stuff.

In summary, I think Marwa Rakha is doing a lot of good stuff. She does a great job fighting misinformation and dispelling myths about love through her various appearances. But I like Tadweena because it's different, and the show looks very promising. You can find a link to the pilot on Marwarakha.com or you can click here to go there directly.

Oh, and don't forget to leave a comment after you watch it. Feedback (whether positive or negative) always helps.

قضايا المرأة و التحرش في الوطن العربي

2009-02-25T08:55:00.002-04:00

I'm currently involved with a blog that is dedicated to the issues surrounding the latest reign of terror in Egypt - sexual harassment. If you would like to check it out you can visit http://harassmentsinarabworld.blogspot.com/

If you wish to contribute please send me an email or drop a line in the comment section.

On the Subject of Sexual Offenses

2009-02-18T15:52:00.010-04:00

Lately, I've seen an increasing number of bloggers rallying against the rising rate of sexual harassment in Egypt. I have seen bloggers write astonishingly moving accounts of their experiences as well as others who've written about the subject in support of rape victims. But I have also seen Facebook groups dedicated to the case and ones that came up with more original ideas like t-shirts that display anti-rape slogans meant to discourage men from harassing women because they would not wish the same to happen to their mothers/sisters/wives etc.

I, wholeheartedly, support their efforts to end sexual harassment. However, I don't really think that change will happen soon enough, if at all. I believe we will see a whole lot more victims along with crimes of sharper intensity and greater frequency. In my humble opinion the problem is one of many layers. On the surface it would seem that sexual predators prey on women because they are sexually frustrated as with the Maadi case of sexual assaults. In reality however, sexual offenses are rarely about sex and more about power and dominance.

I think it's fair to say that sexual offenses have a variety of underlying causes with some of the more common ones being arousal, anger, dominance, and abuse. There are sexual offenders who are sexually aroused by violent acts against women. And among those are cognitively challenged men who have a distorted sense of values. They believe women like to be raped or that women think of sexual harassment as a compliment. This is the kind of thinking that often leads to date rape. On the other hand there exists people like the Maadi rapist who is a repeat offender. He often has difficulty establishing or maintaining relationships, particularly with women. He is introverted and likely has a variety of problems, both social and physical. But I think the most common type of sexual offender in Egypt is the one motivated by anger. His acts of sexual harassment are essentially emotional outbursts accompanied by a serious lack of self control. Usually, this is the most dangerous and violent sexual offender. This is the type of rapist that will randomly pull a woman into a vehicle in broad daylight to cop a feel at her breasts or genitals. He is the same guy that employs the most vulgar and colourful linguistic abilities, and the same one who falls under the influence of the mob mentality as in the infamous case of the Eid sexual harassment incidents. He is the guy who is not fearful of the consequences and is aware that the law and public perception works in his favour.

In a region where the majority of the public is under dictatorial regimes and zero accountability, the tolerance for sexual offenses as well as other crimes will be much higher than the norm. The average Egyptian man is abused every hour of every day by the political system in Egypt, which affects everything from the price of a gallon of milk to the ability to vote free and clear of oppression. The Egyptian public is politically, economically, and socially challenged. The politics of the few run the country and keep the majority in check. The standard of living is extremely low. The costs of bare essentials are skyrocketing while wages remain in the minimum. Without financial assistance, the average Egyptian man cannot build or maintain a family. He has no control over his future and finds very little value in attempting to make something of himself. Men deal with those issues differently. Some of them in productive ways; others use it to fuel their anger, and lash out.

I really don't think a statement on a t-shirt, or a Facebook group, is going to be very effective, especially against that type of sexual offender. It doesn't make much sense to compare the victim of a sexual crime to the offender's mother/sister/daughter/wife because a sexual offender does not see this the same way the average person does. In the eyes of a sexual offender, all women are targets, with the exception of his various female family members. He doesn't see them as women, rather he defines them by their role. In addition, gender bias bonds are incredibly stronger than familial bonds. Victims of sexual crimes are often shunned by their male family members. Many are told that it is "their fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time" or "that they brought it on themselves by wearing inappropriate attire".

A deeper more seeded cause of sexual harassment is the fact that forgiveness is readily available from God. Regardless of what our denomination is, we are taught at a young age that when people make mistakes, all is forgiven if we repent. I have personally met many men of that mindset. They believe it is fine to sexually assault a women if it means that in the end they will repent and everything will be forgiven. Because God does not dole out punishment now, so they see this as an opportunity to binge on crime before the deadline so to speak. The only thing that will deter that kind of behaviour is a very strict and properly applied law. Unlike God, the judicial process has no room for forgiveness; criminals can repent all they want in prison. Sadly, in Egypt, although there is a law (insufficient although it may seem) that punishes sexual offenders, that law is often not enforced. Police officers and other authority figures take complaints lightly and quite often aggressively discourage women from coming forward and proceeding with a complaint.

And finally, the root of the problem is a very simple fact, and that is in the Middle East women are perceived as second class citizens. Arab men in general, tend to believe that they are superior to women, whatever way they justify it, be it religious, social, or what have you. And I am not generalizing either. I realize that there are very decent men still living in Egypt. They think in a different way. They believe in equal rights and everything but there are very very few of them. Regrettably, the majority of Arab men fall in the other category.

It is in that light that I encourage women not to be victims. A Facebook group is a nice sentiment, and a t-shirt certainly would not hurt. But I believe that the best way to avoid rape is by arming oneself and learning to incapacitate a sexual offender. Survival is key, even if it means killing the assailant or permanently maiming him.

Like I said before, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Kolena Laila Survey

2009-02-14T12:05:00.010-04:00

A while back, I was invited by the Kolena Laila administrators to join their efforts in speaking up about the oppression of women by posting an article on my blog on October 19, 2008. I declined because I was unavailable at the time but I frequented the site from time to time because I support all things in favour of equality especially when it comes to women's rights. After a recent visit to Kolena Laila, I noticed that they posted a link to a survey for men and women. My curiosity was peaked and I clicked on both links. I am appalled and infuriated by the questions in both surveys. The one geared towards men especially had a very negative tone to it. I'm a woman and I was offended by those questions. I can only imagine how men felt?

Let me first say that I absolutely support the efforts of Kolena Laila in educating the public and fighting for women's rights. I have nothing against the organization or it's goals and directives. My complaint is about the way they have portrayed themselves and uncovered, perhaps, their lack of understanding the definition of equality.

The number one mistake in any research gathering effort is stating the obvious. For starters, the survey asks for demographics up front, such as marital status. Unless those questions determine qualification to participate in the survey, they should always come last. By asking for it up front, the researcher emphasized the importance of marital status as it relates to gender and brought it to the surface thereby contaminating the rest of the data to be collected. In other words, the respondent is already feeling uncomfortable from the get go because the nature of the survey is sensitive. And the researcher added to that level of discomfort by ramming what may be perceived as a shortcoming. For example, a woman who is single, and feels negatively about that, has been reminded of it prior to answering the rest of the survey, which means that all her answers from here on are going to be with that issue in mind. That clearly compromises the integrity of the data as she will mainly be thinking about how being single relates to each question, whether she sees that as a positive or negative attribute. In other words, the scene has been contaminated.

The choice list pertaining to the marital status question is at best discriminatory. It is obvious that whoever wrote the surveys is undeniably viewing men in a different light and may not really be a proponent of equality. Here is the choice list for both groups:

For women:
- Married
- Divorced
- Engaged
- In a relationship
- In a recovery phase from a relationship
- Single
- Not thinking of marriage now
- Other:

For men:
- Married
- Divorced
- Engaged
- In a relationship
- In a recovery phase from a relationship
- Bachelor
- Not thinking of marriage now
- Other:

A demographic question should never be different for the same set of people. One of the options commonly used in the industry is the word "single", and it encompasses everyone who is not currently with a significant other and who has never been legally married. That would include people who are "in a recovery phase" as well as those who are "not thinking of marriage now". By separating those, the researcher clearly identifies them differently and places different values on those choices. Furthermore, in the survey for men there is no option for single; "bachelor" is used instead. This begs the question: why did the researcher not use "bachelorette" for the survey geared towards women? Are there hidden values for the meanings of these words that we are unaware of? Is there a difference between "single" and "bachelor"? Single should have been the option for both surveys as it is more gender neutral.

Question number 7 further compromises the outcome of the survey. This should have been an open question with a box allowing text as opposed to items assigned by the researcher. Once again, by placing "beauty" and "mind" at the top of the list, the researcher has insured that the respondent will most likely choose one of those options as opposed to what came to their mind initially. If the respondent had something else in mind it has been already buried by the fact that they now realize "beauty" and "mind" are supposed to be one of the more important things. Those are preconceived notions brought in by the researcher and have no place in the survey, not to mention the fact that those words have very different meanings to different people. The researcher erroneously assumes that beauty and mind are benchmarks for all respondents.

Similarly, question 7 in the survey for women attaches the same values to the same words. The question in itself is infuriating. It disregards women in that it asks what a woman wants to be appreciated for by a man, thereby emphasizing the importance of the male point of view. What about women who have other women for significant others? In addition, the questions in both surveys are faulty in design. The questions state what do you appreciate/want to appreciate more. I am placing the emphasis on the word more. Hence, the choice options should not have included "both", as that negated the goal of the word more. It would have to be one or the other, which is why the question should have open text to begin with.

The questions about finances and social status are equally outrageous. The word "status" in this instance is inflammatory and judgmental. Status negatively affects the respondent in this case. "Would you agree to marrying a man whose financial status is lower than yours?" implies that there is something wrong with a man whose income is lower than that of his partner. The more appropriate question should have been something along the lines of "Would you agree to marry someone whose annual gross income is less than your annual gross income?" And the one about social status is just plain racist. The researcher did not specify what he/she meant by social status. Does it relate to the respondent's type of work or does it pertain to family lines? And if that is indeed what he/she meant, then isn't it racist to assume that a doctor is of better status than a teacher or a even a plumber?

And what exactly is pre-marital testing? Is that in reference to STDs or other non medical tests? And how does that affect a decision to marry unless the researcher assumes that the respondent associates sexual activity with marriage. Yet again, the researcher has straitjacketed the survey by phrasing the question in a way that could only mean one thing: that it's only acceptable to have sex after marriage and not before. Otherwise, the question should have been "Are you in favour of testing for HIV/STDs before being sexually involved?" The way the question is phrased alienates all those who engage in sexual activity prior to marriage. Or is it the position of Kolena Laila that only women who are married have the right to be sexually active? If that is the case, then it should be clearly stated in their agenda, because the survey is not doing them any favours. And if that is indeed their position, then they are not really calling for equality between men and women. Sexual activity is a personal choice and should have no bearing on an individual's rights.

I think both surveys should have been combined into one, with the questions addressing respondents as gender neutral. Actually, I think both surveys are doing a great disservice to women and men and only reinforce the the idea that men are superior to women. Sadly, the researcher or whoever is responsible for collecting the data has done nothing but widen the gap even more. I could go on and on, but I think it would have been a much better move for the administrators of Kolena Laila to appoint someone who is more neutral and level headed to conduct that survey.

But what do I know.. I've been working in the industry for just ten years.

Could it really work?

2009-02-13T11:46:00.004-04:00

We've all heard of chastity belts which originated in the medieval era. They were designed to be impenetrable, though I'm not so sure they were invented with rape victims in mind. The picture above is an illustration of the latest anti-rape device, commonly known as Rape-aXe. A similar device was invented in 2000 by South African Jaap Haumann. It consisted of a hard plastic cylinder that held a blade which was attached to a tension spring. Pressing against it would activate the spring by recoiling and the blade would slice through the tip of the penis. A sexual offender would instantly lose a chunk of his member.

A more simple yet effective device is the Rape-aXe which was designed by Sonette Ehlers, also South African. Rape-aXe is a two fold device. It is actually shaped just like a condom except on the inside there are long, very sharp barbs that face inward. Also worn like a tampon, in the case of vaginal rape, the penis would enter smoothly but upon exit it would be snagged into the barbs. Unlike the Jaap Haumann device, Rape-aXe prevents pregnancy and transmission of HIV because the attackers blood is contained within the device just like a condom holds seminal fluid. But also, the barbs cause excruciating pain during withdrawal which distracts the attacker and gives the victim time to escape (or that's the idea anyway). In addition, the device can only be removed surgically, whereby hospital staff alert the authorities. Essentially, it could be very useful in the identification and prosecution of rapists.

I've heard arguments about such devices on both sides of the coin. Some people think that it's unacceptable to place the responsibility of preventing rape on the victim; that instead the attacker should be punished. Others think that the use of such devices will just anger the attacker even more and he might retaliate by killing the victim (although isn't that a risk anyway when a victim is being sexually assaulted?). There are other concerns too, ones that claim Rape-aXe is cruel and vengeful because it's designed to punish after the fact rather than prevent the act. However, I don't really see how Rape-aXe is any different from carrying pepper spray or arming oneself with a gun or a knife. I think this device is perceived as cruel only because it inflicts genital torture on the offender. But I know I wouldn't care about the offender or his genitals. I would prefer Rape-aXe over the Jaap Haumann device only because the former prevents unwanted pregnancy and STDs, while the latter could possibly increase the risk of HIV by exposing the vagina to the carrier's blood.

I must admit a device like that does sound cruel and unusual, but note that the inventors are from South Africa where the rates of sexual assault and HIV are among the highest around the globe. I wonder if the situation in Egypt will ever come to that. I would think that if I lived in an area where the chances of being a rape victim increase ten fold once I step foot outside my home, then it would be tempting to use such a device, maybe even necessary. I think one of the underlying benefits to Rape-aXe is the fact that if it ever becomes popular, sexual offenders may learn that the risk is too great. No man in his right mind would want to risk damage to his genitals. I do think it's a horrific device but it suits the horrific crime and the equally horrific rising rates of sexual assault.

After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Post on Abomination

2009-02-12T20:44:00.002-04:00

For those of you who are interested, there is a new post on Abomination. The guest this time is a fellow blogger by the name of Hafssa.

Meteorologically Challenged

2009-02-03T13:10:00.005-04:00

OK.. there is no way in hell that an organization can be so far off the mark with its predictions about weather unless the people responsible are smoking some really good fucking weed. They have got to be baked at least half the time. When my forecast 24 hours ago read, "some cloud cover with possible rain" yet this morning I wake up to something resembling this shit:

Somehow, in less than 24 hours our forecast has turned into this:

This is a warning that dangerous winter weather conditions are expected in these regions. Up to 30 cm of snow is expected and an extensive period of freezing rain and ice pellets will start this afternoon through the evening.

Like I said before, the word FUCK doesn't even cut it.

Mixed Marriages - As if I haven't said enough already

2009-01-30T10:28:00.007-04:00

So I've been asked again what it takes to make a man convert. Some of you may have misunderstood my previous posts about mixed marriages. Let me be clear this time. This is not an instruction manual on how to convert your boyfriend to Islam. No one has the right to expect anyone to convert to anything. You can ask but even that in itself may be offensive to some. The posts I wrote about this subject were intended to show that it is not an easy process for those who choose to convert. Many choose to do it to keep families at peace especially if they care deeply for their partner. It's a choice people, not mandatory.

I have been accused by several men (in mixed marriages) of conspiring with other women to lure unsuspecting male victims into converting to Islam. That is not the case here at all. And while I appreciate what those men have gone through in terms of being exiled from family and friends for choosing to be with a non-Muslim woman, I don't think they will ever experience what's it like for a Muslim woman to be with a non-Muslim man. After all, it may be socially unacceptable by some for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim woman but it is still legal, and the fruits of that union (i.e. children) are recognized as such. However, it is a completely different scenario for Muslim women. They are committing a crime that is punishable by law in their Muslim countries for marrying a non-Muslim man, and their children are labeled as "bastards", where they are stripped of their basic rights to obtain even a birth certificate because the father is unrecognized. In some countries, a fatwa is even passed against those brave women that makes it legal to literally slaughter them like a helpless animal. So for those Muslim men in mixed marriages, I have a lot of appreciation for what you endure but with all due respect, unless you acquire the proper anatomy you will never experience what it's like for the Muslim woman who wants to be with an "infidel".

As for those women who wish to be with a partner who is of a different faith (or none at all) I urge you to think about the consequences. You are solely responsible for your actions. Deluding yourself into thinking that the "heart wants what the heart wants" or that it's "love at first sight" will get you nowhere fast. This is what I call plain horse manure. I believe in lust at first sight, and if that is the case, then get it out of your system and move on. Otherwise, you are aware of the problems from the moment you learn he is not Muslim, and if you continue to date him then you either don't think it will get serious in which case you bear the consequences for your error in judgment if it does indeed become serious, OR you don't ask after dating him for two months in the hopes that he is in fact Muslim. This is also a load of crap. If religion is of that importance to you and it's so high on your list of priorities then just suck it up and end the relationship or don't get involved any deeper. Once again if religion has such a great impact on your quality of life then make it your mission to find out what faith, if any, he belongs to. This should come naturally, along the same lines of finding out if he's an axe murderer or won the Nobel prize recently. For example, if your boyfriend disappears every Tuesday night for 5 hours and comes home with a bloody shirt, and you find out two days later that your next door neighbour has been chopped to pieces you cannot possibly claim that you had no idea he was up to something nasty. Similarly, if your boyfriend disappears every Sunday around noon for 2 hours and has a tattoo of a cross on his wrist you cannot claim later that you had no idea he was not Muslim. Your brain is how you love someone, not your heart.

What I'm saying does not sound very romantic because it is not supposed to be. If you cannot be with your love without the blessing of family members then I suggest you limit your pool of suitors to someone of your faith. As for the women who want to be with their partners no matter what, just be aware of what you are giving up and what you are gaining in return. Study your pros and cons carefully. You better be damn sure that your partner is as good as you think he is because if he abandons you, you will be left out in the cold and things will not be the same with your family after that, especially if you and your partner produce a child, it is the child who will suffer the consequences of your actions.

Ultimately, it is a choice for both partners. It's all about compromise and it's a team effort. To put it simply, one member takes one for the team because the team is of greater value. Spock said it best, "logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." And if you and your partner are thinking along those lines then you are right where you should be. At least that's the way it worked out for me. And we're just discussing labels not practices. I can't pretend to even give advice about that since my husband and I are not practicing Muslims anyway.

And don't let anyone fool you into thinking that it's a free world and everyone should be allowed to do what they want. I am not sure what planet those people are from but in this world we strive to achieve freedom but there are always societal constraints and certain acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. There is no such thing as a completely free person. It's a myth. Case in point, homosexuality in Muslim countries is a crime but in the West, homosexuals are not free of judgment either. Although we have achieved a greater measure of freedom in Western societies, there are still many people here who believe that gays and lesbians do not have the right to exist despite the fact that it is illegal to discriminate against someone based on sexual orientation. Those are just examples. I am by no means comparing the hardships that homosexuals endure to that of mixed marriages, but I'm pointing out that no one society is completely free.

I have spoken about mixed marriages and religion in detail and I feel that I have said all I can about the subject. But please feel free to comment. Perhaps someone else could offer practical advice because I sure as hell don't know a better way of explaining it.

My Other Blog

2009-01-21T10:43:00.008-04:00

The new blog (the one relating to gender and sexual issues) has been set up and now open to the public for anyone who is interested. I strongly recommend that you read this first, though.

Here's the link to the blog: http://abominatrix.blogspot.com

Alternative Lifestyle

2009-01-14T11:34:00.009-04:00

With the new year placing it's mark on the historical horizon, it's time for some soul cleansing and mind decluttering. Something that has been weighing heavily on me for over 15 years is now ready to come out, a confession of sorts. But a more appropriate term would simply be an apology.

My apology today is directed to my friends (past and present) who are into alternative lifestyles. Though I don't like that term very much because I don't really think sexual preference involves an active choice and the term alternative lifestyle somehow implies that there could have been a better choice i.e. the normal lifestyle. Sometimes I wonder if there's even such a thing as normal and who defines it. But for the sake of this post I'll just call it that, since most people I know prefer to think of it as such. I think sexual preference is more along the lines of you are or you aren't; if you have blue eyes then you have blue eyes. You can put contact lens to change their appearance, but they'll still be blue, if you get my drift. I find it hard to believe that someone can wake up one day and decide that they like men instead of women or that getting off on spanking is the new fashion statement. I don't really know how or why it develops if at all that is the case. What I do know is that every person should be free to practice whatever form of sex they want as long as it's consensual.

Over 15 years ago, a very close friend of mine asked me one day how I felt about gay men. We were in a setting that didn't (and still doesn't to this day) allow for gays and lesbians to live freely. Any kind of sexual preference that does not fall within the norm (i.e. man and woman in missionary where man ejaculates and woman bakes a cake after) is considered deviant. In Egypt, anyone who is not straight is apparently suffering from some sort of perversion. That's what we were taught. But I am not making excuses for myself. I want to show my appreciation for my friend who would have had to overcome his own internal demons and shed all the garbage he was taught to admit to himself that he's gay. It takes a lot of effort to leave everything you know behind and embrace something new where the outcome is at best vague and unclear. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come out of the closet because you risk alienating yourself from everyone you know and in some cases risk physical harm to your body or death threats. For that you have my respect and admiration, and also my sympathy.

He never told me he was gay because my reaction was nothing short of disgust. I was judgmental, ignorant, and blind. I told him I think gays can do their own thing but I don't want to associate with those people. Yes, I referred to them as "those people". I had a look of disgust and fear on my face. Instead of being repulsed by my reaction and whacking me a few times on the head to set me straight, he chose to keep my friendship and did not share with me he's gay. To that friend, I apologize. I am sorry for responding the way I did. I'm ashamed of the way I reacted.

I found out years later from a mutual friend, that he was gay. I found out that he had wanted to tell me all along and was pained by my reaction that he spoke of it to other friends because he so wanted us to remain friends. He was terrified that I would find out. To that friend, I apologize. I am sorry you had to go through that because of me. I'm sorry that I put you through that. All I can tell you is that I've grown since then. If I knew then what I know now I would never have responded the way I did. I still look for you till this day because I want to apologize. I have asked mutual friends if they know how to get in touch with you. I hope to find you so that I can get a chance to say I'm sorry.

To my cousin who is now married with kids, you tried to tell me that you liked other women but I didn't get it. You tried to tell me that you were sexually aroused by tying up women, and spanking them. I am sorry for not being there for you. You must have been terrified of all these fantasies and urges. Neither of us knew what those things meant at the time. We were both too young to realize that you are not sick. I am sorry that you had to endure relationships with men to hide your sexual preferences. I'm sorry that you are married to someone you don't love. I'm sorry you are trapped in a loveless marriage in order to conform. I wish there was something I could do but I can only offer my apologies.

To my friend who confided in me that she works for an escort service because she loves sex and loves making money, I am sorry you had to hide what you do for a living. I'm sorry that the rest of our friends shunned you. I'm sorry that they insulted you and called you a traitor to women. I think you are a wonderful person, and I don't believe what you do degrades women. In fact, I apologize to all prostitutes and escort services out there for being part of a society that fails to protect you by making what you do illegal.

To my aunt who has had several failed marriages. I am sorry for judging you like the rest of the family. No one understood why you were unhappy. I am sorry that no one gave you the chance to explain why you did what you did. I am sorry that you had to go through the trauma. I am sorry that you married an abusive husband. I am sorry that when the rest of the family found out you like to be a sexual submissive they thought it was alright for your ex-husband to beat you to a bloody pulp without your consent. I am sorry that no one was there for you and I'm especially sorry that you had to beg to be taken to the hospital. I wish there was something I could do but I can only offer my apologies. As a family we are partly responsible for how bitter, vindictive, mean and hateful of a person you have become. I hope that one day you can find peace.

And the list goes on. I know so many people with so many different preferences and so called darker sides. I know people who are into things so wild it'll grow hair on your tits. Some of them share my preferences, and others are into things that are totally not my cup of tea, but I don't think that gives me, or anyone else for that matter, the right to judge them.

What's wrong with getting off whichever way you want as long as it's consensual? Who has the right to judge what goes on between a group of people if they all willingly consent to certain sexual acts? I think it's a terrible and unfair thing to do, to judge others and make them outcasts because they like something different. I think of BDSM, Homosexuality, Transsexualism, and other seemingly non conforming sexual preferences or lifestyles, if you will, as just something different.

It's very simple, really. Take BDSM for example. It is to sex as to what pistachio is to ice cream. If the only ice cream in the world was vanilla we would all be bored to death. I realize that some people can only handle vanilla for their entire existence and that's perfectly fine, but it's also perfectly normal to want pistachio, mango, or chocolate.

So to everyone who has ever felt the need to hide their sexual preferences, I am sorry. And to all my other friends who's idea of being adventurous extends to eating a slice of pineapple please keep an open mind and live a little. It's not the end of the fucking world.

Performance Review

2009-01-06T10:37:00.006-04:00

Every year management requires a performance review of every employee. My boss decided that the best way to approach this is to make every employee write their own review. First, and foremost I have to say I love my boss. He is a great guy. He also looks like something that came straight out of the 70's, but that's a story for another time. He doesn't put a lot of brain juice in what he does but every once in a while he comes up with a brilliant idea. This review process for example is one such idea. It's brilliant because he doesn't actually have to do any work, but in the end it looks like he slaved away for an X number of hours writing performance reviews, when in fact he didn't write any of them. You have to admit, it's genius.

Here is the first draft of my performance review (or what I would have liked to submit), one that my husband strongly suggested I change if I want to maintain this job or any other corporate job in the near future.

Goals - Four Goals should be sufficient here
1. Remain employed
2. Pay the bills
3. Remain employed - yes it warrants repetition
4. Keep my sanity
5. Do some more programming

Strengths (No set number here - bullet points or paragraphs are fine)
1. My ability to bitch slap the program like the cock whore that it is
2. My fingers type like they're on steroids
3. I can inflate my programming hours by 200 percent
4. I am a quick learner
5. Taking a poorly designed script (that the client came up with while doing a Cleveland steamer after a hard night of curry) and turning it into a masterpiece without due credit

Development Opportunities
1. Neglecting to tell my co-workers that I don't walk on water and cannot raise the dead
2. Massaging co-workers' bruised egos
3. Stupid clients are an acquired taste which I have yet to do
4. Failure to remain invisible (if they don't know you exist they can't ax you)
5. Filling out performance review requests

Development Plan - To be evaluated in December 2008
This is for your ideas about how you would like to progress in 2008-09. You should have some general comments here and then include 3-4 objectives below
I would like to progress in 2008-09 by making sure I remain invisible yet employed at the same time. I must say, making me write my own review though is genius. How'd you come up with that?

These objectives should have timelines against them and be measurable (e.g. Present with 3 times in the next year; Learn and help present CRT, VPlus, etc.)

Development Objective 1 - Immediate
Get back to being a nobody ASAP

Development Objective 2 - Immediate
Keep the paycheck.

Development Objective 3 - Medium Term - Next 6-12 months
See objectives 1 and 2.

Development Objective 4 - Longer Term - 2009-2010
If I could think that far ahead I'd be running the country by now.

Assessment Summary Sheet
Your assessment of your performance since you started at the end of last year. Can just be a paragraph or two. Any assessment of your working relationship with me can be included here as well.
I think I've done a glorious job so far what with all the attention deficit disorders and narcissistic tendencies running rampant in the office, don't you think? I have managed to stay on top of things despite some people's best efforts to bury me with condescending cunt snot attitudes. I must work on remaining invisible though. I am not at all happy with the fact that more people in the office know of my existence. I find it not at all appealing that people send emails addressing me by name. I would much rather they refer to me as that girl or the one who's in the other office or better yet, the thing that does all our programming, does anyone know it's gender?

As for our working relationship boss, I'm ecstatic with it. I like that we don't communicate unless necessary. The last email I sent to you requesting that some consultants develop a couple more brain cells, you politely told me that it's just a pipe dream and that I should perhaps invest my time doing other noteworthy things. But I do appreciate your acknowledgment that a girl can dream. What can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic…

Year End Performance Review
Scoring yourself on the following areas using the following scale

1 - Outstanding - recognizes that an employee has exceeded all requirements for successful job performance and provides a model of excellence in achieving goals and mastery of critical organizational competencies.
Refer to my comment about beating the program into submission.

2 - Exceeded - Indicates that an employee has met all the requirements for successful job performance and has exceeded expectations and accomplishment of several key goals
Does it count that I can read Kate's mind even though it only has one functioning quadrant?

3 - Succeeded - Indicates that an employee successfully achieved goals and met required standards and competencies.
I can meet deadlines.

4 - Performance Improvement Needed - Indicates the employee met minimum requirements, and improvement is needed in some areas. Performance was below expectations for some organizational competencies
OK, once again, I must work on becoming less visible.

5 - Below Required Performance - Performance does not meet the position requirements in key areas evaluated over the entire performance period. Overall contribution fails to meet that expected of the job requirements
Now that you mention it, I have to ask. What are my expected job requirements? Please don't tell me it involves looking for Kate's lost brain cell.

Include brief comments to explain your score for the following areas:

Client (Internal or External) Focus
I am happy not to deal with them at all.

Building Strategic Working relationships
I can build and I can work, but I don't know about strategic and relationships.

Communication with co-workers
For the most part I like my co-workers. There are a few that return communication errors though. You can even see smoke seeping from their ears sometimes when they think too hard. And you can hear their brain chugging away like a fried hard drive.

Communication with clients
Perhaps if some of them developed an intelligence level above that of a soap dish I can attempt communication, until then here's an example of one such communication: Hello soap dish, how are you doing this fine morning? *nothing but the sound of crickets in the background*

Work Standards/Ethic
Yeah, I have some…

Innovation
On how to write ego boosting emails, yes, definitely

Technical Knowledge
Skip to /+1 else /+0 if Q6J==Q6K, is that technical enough for you?

Managing Budgets
Yes, I run my household like a Jewish banker.

Teamwork
I don't do threesomes.

Leading through vision and values
Seriously?? Who comes up with this crap…

Adapting to change
I can't change colours or anything like that, but I could do girl on girl for one night.. and only if the money is right.

Willingness to learn
Oh, it goes without saying.

In Memory

2008-12-31T18:42:00.001-04:00

I visit you every year on the 1st of January, but this year I showed up a day early. I always think I have a lot to say but then as I stand there over your grave I have nothing to offer but silence. I keep waiting for the day when I don't cry but it hasn't happened yet. I never did let go. I don't think I'm ready to let go. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I love you and I miss you so very much.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-21T15:42:00.004-04:00

Wishing all my readers a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Blizzard Central

2008-11-24T10:40:00.008-04:00

Weekend activity: Shoveling my way out of knee deep snow.

The word FUCK doesn't cut it anymore.

--W.S. over and out--

Checking In

2008-11-02T11:09:00.009-04:00

Several of you have emailed asking how I'm doing. Thank you all for caring. I am up to my ears with work. Like they say, when it rains it pours. I am working on several projects which all have the same deadline. Everyone wants their shit done before Christmas. Understandable, but miserable nonetheless. Additionally, family is visiting, and I'm running errands for both families, my own and my parents'. Among the exciting things that have been happening in my world is a roof problem that I had to fix before the snow. We thought snow wasn't going to show up till Christmas but we're sadly mistaken. This year, snow is making an early appearance. Temperature has been dipping below zero and there are parts of the province that have already gotten snow. Therefore, the roof problem had to be fixed pronto. Yes, I was on top of it like a fat kid on a smarty.

In between all the work and family requests that never seem to end, there were doctor's appointments and flu shots that need to be administered, from our little one all the way to our parents. I am now familiar with the ins and outs of all the hospitals, including the blood collection labs and diagnostic imaging departments. A month from now I could be in charge of developing blueprints.

Halloween was busy, as usual. After trick or treating with the little one, I had to sit out on the front porch and give candy to all the other kids. So, 450 pieces of candy later we were done. The number of kids in our neighbourhood keeps increasing, which is not necessarily a bad thing. It just means more people are having sex. Happy all around. Yes, that's me showing an attempt at being optimistic.

And on top of all that, my boss thought it was a brilliant idea to discuss the year end performance review sometime in November. Yes, I have so much free time that I can just sit down for an hour or two to discuss with him what my strengths and weaknesses are, and whether I am still interested in remaining in this miserable state of existence. No, I'm not suicidal yet... ask me in a couple of weeks.

Those are just the highlights. There have been other things, but it would be too much to mention. It would be a novel.

All in all, life has been very busy and I have been stressed to the max. Currently I'm operating on only 4 hours of sleep. The total hours of sleep I got this week is between 20 and 25. A sleep deprived zombie running around town like it's the last day on earth would be a perfect way to describe me right now. With that in mind, please excuse spelling/grammar errors. It's one of the side effects of being a zombie, in a hurry I might add. I'm going dark again, and will (hopefully) resurface sometime in January 2009. However, I will be checking in briefly between now and then with perhaps a post or two, and for those who sent emails, I promise I will respond. I have not forgotten about you.

Wandering Scarab out--

Happy Eid

2008-09-30T09:58:00.003-03:00

Neighbours

2008-09-19T15:50:00.006-03:00

Up until now I have been lucky. I've never had to deal with a lousy neighbour since I've relocated to Canada, even when I lived in different areas of town. Admittedly, I've never had to live in slum neighbourhoods, and by slum I don't mean poor. I mean crime infested. My husband on the other hand, has had his fair share of wacky and downright dangerous neighbours. Back when he was single and still building his career, he rented a small 3 bedroom apartment with two friends. Each of them had a room and they rarely saw each other as they all had opposite work hours. Although the apartment was in a not-so-great neighbourhood, it was close to work and relatively cheap. A Sudanese superintendent by the name of Saeed*, diligently collected rent at the start of every month. He was a nice old guy who was very much liked. He often complained about his "lazy ass son who wouldn't help mow the lawn and shovel snow." But Saeed needed the money, so whenever an apartment vacated he'd quickly try to rent it so that he could make money. After the last tenant, my husband survived a few more that were, at best, strange. He told me stories of which I remember some. There was the prospective tenant, two prostitutes whom Saeed refused to rent to because they were hookers. Then there was the drug dealer who sold weed strictly for recreational use. He had a strong customer base and on more than one occasion offered my husband some dope on the weekend. He dipped into his own stash sometimes. I remember gagging from the smell as I went upstairs to the apartment. Down the street was the lady that killed her husband by bludgeoning his head with a frying pan. And at the other end of the street, a Lebanese store owner who was stabbed to death by two Vietnamese guys because he was banging one of their wives. Anyway, the point of all this, is that I've never really had weird neighbours, none like the kind my husband came across.

In our new house, which I love very much, in the near perfect suburbs where it's located, I am surrounded by neighbours who are just plain weird. There was one guy, Tony, who seemed normal but he moved, most likely because he bought a bigger house elsewhere. Even the previous owner of our house was strangely odd. When we bought our house we had it inspected and everything was sound. Structurally, it was in very good condition. Aesthetically, it was a train wreck. We have fixed the majority of those things now. But one particular thing that had both my husband and I completely puzzled were the door handles. The door handles on every single door in the house were installed backward, even the bathroom doors! The locks to the handles were installed on the outside of the door. In addition, the metal plate on the opposite side of the door was put out of place and backwards so that the door would not close. So, not only were we unable to lock the doors, we were unable to simply close the bathroom door, for example. Guests marvelled at the incompetence of the carpentry. After that new discovery, and after we recovered from laughing hysterically, we concluded that the previous owner was either a severe retard, or had the doors installed by a drunk carpenter. In any case, it was easy to fix. I have since met the previous homeowner at a social event, and I'm leaning toward the retard theory. Moving on, our current neighbours are just as strange.

On our right are Amanda and her boyfriend. Amanda is one of those people who become loud and obnoxious when they drink. She yells at her dog and her boyfriend alike. But we don't mind. Amanda has a camp fire in the backyard every other day. She tries to keep it small but so far has succeeded in smoking us out every time this summer. We've had to close our windows to keep from suffocating. I do not know why the campfire is important nor do I wish to know. I also wonder if this fire ritual is entirely legal but as long as it's not burning down any homes I don't care. She has apologized when hubby brought it to her attention that the smoke bothers us a bit. And she has been doing it less frequently, so she gets credit for that. But, a campfire in the backyard of a house in the heart of suburbia is weird in my book.

On our left are Terry and his wife. They have a little yappy dog that does nothing but bark at every little movement like it's got Turrets Syndrome. His wife seems nice and Terry himself is an ok guy. He does get a little bit tipsy when he's had a few too many beers. He's especially freaky when he smiles as he shows those big dark stained overlapping teeth and his haggard scruffy face. He looks like something that came out of Lovecraft's Innsmouth. Needless to say, as far as we can tell he has no affinity to fish people nor worships Dagon. I'm just saying he wouldn't need a costume for Halloween.

Across the road is Don, his wife and kids. I believe in the last neighbourhood barbeque, Don revealed that he has ball cancer, but that he's beating it, which is good to hear. My issue is with his wife. I think she firmly believes that she is not a day over 18. I can't tell the difference between her and her girls sometimes. She dresses just like them and acts like a big hormone, but as soon as she turns around I can tell. Her face has the deep wrinkles around the mouth and forehead. I believe the medical community refers to them as smoker lines (and she is a heavy smoker) although the street name for those wrinkles is "blowjob lines", but I won't explain the reason behind that term. I've heard her converse with others during social events, although my husband would argue the converse part. She did a lot more echoing. Her head is just full of hot air. She most likely has two brain cells, one of which is lost, and the other one is out there looking for it. She may be the reason blondes have a bad reputation, and she's not even a real blonde.

Two houses down is the lady who's one fuse short. I forget her name now, but she is the one who put up a sign on her front lawn titled "Wisteria Lane" to mark the territory for her other misguided friends. I learned later that she had a party arranged for the neighbourhood fans of Desperate Housewives, where they all gathered to watch the season's premiere. It seemed more like a cult than a gathering. I heard about similar parties called Survivor Nights, where one neighbour invites their friends and other neighbours to watch the season premiere or season finale of Survivor. I think it's ridiculous. Survivor is one show that I disliked immediately. I couldn't get through the first episode because it wasn't about surviving the journey. It was about surviving the gossip. Not my thing. But then again, I don't like reality shows to begin with, so there. I do watch Desperate Housewives, however. It's mainly fluff and there's not a lot of depth to the characters although it does have some entertaining moments. I watch Desperate Housewives because I think the quotes at the end of each episode reveal quite a bit about human nature. I think the writers make up for the show's shortcomings each time they include one of those profound quotes especially because they are told by a dead character, suggesting that we often gain insight after the moment when it's needed most has passed. And ultimately, that's how we gain experience, by learning from past mistakes. That's a strong basic premise for any show, and one that has kept me watching. But I won't be sticking a sign on my lawn.

Despite their quirkiness, I do very much like my neighbours. If nothing else, then for the only reason that they do neighbourly things, such as when Terry mows our lawn sometimes, or when Amanda invites us over for Turkey dinner on Christmas eve. Even Don's wife, which her name escapes me at the moment, accepted a condolences bouquet of flowers on our behalf, (sent from out of town) and kept it at her home because I was out an didn't come home till late that evening. She gave it to me the next morning.

Yes, my neighbours are peculiar, and some of them are even unconventional, but I still like them. They are harmless and make for good entertainment. I'm certain we do the same for them.

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?**

*Names and minor details have been changed to protect the privacy of everyone.
** Jane Austen (1775-1817), British novelist. Mr. Bennet, in Pride and Prejudice, ch. 57 (1813).

HECTIC

2008-09-17T13:40:00.004-03:00

I know I have been a real slack bastard as of late, and haven't updated the blog with new posts. Apologies to the followers of this blog, but I have my reasons.

My September just exploded. It started off with just a just a couple of annual appointments but now it has turned into a full fledged race against the clock. When you can no longer see the boxes on the calendar you know you're full. There is no room to fit anything in the September spots. I am now scheduling stuff for October. And I know that late October and early November everything shifts into high gear. Work, home, and weather (the annual sport of shoveling white mud) become one big shit storm that I have to stay ahead of. December is the climax. Picture a tiny door with 200 people trying to rush through simultaneously. Everyone wants to get things done before Christmas and the New Year, including Christmas shopping. I won't even go there.

So if you only see one or two posts between now and January 2009 please bear with me. Life can be hectic sometimes, although in my case it feels like most of the time.

I will update soon. Keep your fingers crossed though.

Divorce in Egypt

2008-09-03T19:51:00.008-03:00

It's been noted that divorce rates in Egypt are on the rise. That is despite the fact that Egyptians generally see marriage as a means of gaining independence and engaging freely in sexual activity, as well as gaining stature from being married. It's possible that divorce rates are skyrocketing because couples have misconceptions about marriage that are created by the media in addition to the preconceptions planted in young minds by parents and family about how a marriage should be. Egyptians often get hooked on mythical marriages like that of Hollywood where phrases such as "love conquers all" and "what matters most is love" constitute the majority of mainstream dramas and romantic comedies, and let's not forget the superficial and misleading soap operas. The average Egyptian mother continues to tell her son to reign in the new wife like she's part of a cattle herd. The same mother will also tell her daughter that it's the sole responsibility of the woman to keep the household running as long as the man is financially capable. In reality marriage requires a lot more work. Some of the bigger C words that come to mind are Commitment, Compromise, and Communication, none of which the average young Egyptian has a clear understanding of it seems.

Newlywed Egyptians seem to be unequipped for marriage. Egyptian girls are brought up with the expectation that life is a journey and marriage is the destination. Women are not encouraged to be financially independent nor are they given the opportunity to be responsible for their own actions. Every choice the woman makes reflects on her family and so there's always pressure and biased sources that seep into the process of decision making. She grows up in a household where the father is the head of the family and is financially responsible for all his children until each one is married. Nowadays, some parents go even further and continue to support their sons and daughters well after marriage. That is one of the most damaging things to a marriage. It stunts its growth. It takes away the feeling of independence and responsibility, and in turn affects the way newlyweds see their marriage. It forces both parties to acquiesce to certain pressures and forcibly give in to demands, especially from the financially contributing parent. The husband resents his new wife and she loses respect for him because he's unable to provide. When our parents demand that we remain shackled with them until marriage it sets the precedent for the woman that her new husband will take care of her just like her father did. And the son who just got married is expected to shift from someone who is not responsible for anything to being responsible for everything within 24 hours. This is a completely unrealistic expectation of both genders. Egyptian parents do not give their children room to grow.

In addition, Egyptians grow up with a set of stereotypes that continue to be enforced by society well into adulthood. Men often want women who resemble their mothers. They want a household that is similar to the one they just left. They complain that women don't cook as well as their mothers or run a household in the same manner as their mother. Nostalgia, insecurity, or call it what you will. It's the environment they are used to and the one they know works. But they fail to realize that the new household is different and the new wife is precisely that, a wife, a life partner, an equal. Women on the other hand, often expect their partner to be the knight in shining armor, the be all end all of their life. The man becomes the center of their world, and in his absence they lose their sense of balance. This is unrealistic as well as grossly unfair. We cannot expect our men to be superheroes. They are human, and no one is perfect. By expecting either partner to perform according to a preexisting (and unrealistic) benchmark they are setting themselves up for failure. In that sense both partners lack the communication skills to make a marriage work. Instead they rely on traditions and notions passed on from generations before and expect things to magically make sense.

There is also a lack of compromise. It's common knowledge that marriage in Egypt costs a fortune and couples often are forced to wait for long periods until they can manage to save enough money for wedding preparations alone. In many cases, parents of both partners contribute a substantial amount of funds often in the form of an apartment or furniture, in addition to the dowry (aka shabka). Financially most couples struggle at the beginning of a marriage. Those who decline financial assistance (or don't ask for it) from family members are the ones working two jobs to make ends meet, and in almost all cases it is the man. When couples get married, often women expect the same kind of treatment during the engagement, but life is not always so rosy. Both partners had less responsibilities prior to marriage. It is extremely callous of a woman to expect the same man who is working over 18 hours a day to come home and make love to her like a horse or take her out to dinner, let alone listen to her nag endlessly about common stuff. Women seem unwilling to meet their partners half way. They interpret the man's exhaustion as a sign of less love or less interest. And while men care very much they are generally discouraged from showing affection lest they be less manly. Women seem to forget that their men are working two jobs most likely to keep them happy. When a man fails to make his woman happy, he sees the marriage go down the drain. Men who cannot satisfy their wives or make them happy often see themselves as failures. But also, Egyptian men are trained to take their wives for granted after marriage with the idea that she will always be there when he comes home. They forget that women who are taken for granted become bitter and in turn seek alternate ways to display their resentment, which could be manifested in any number of ways.

Egyptian couples are not trained to throw a lifeline. They seem to think that the butterflies in the stomach will remain forever. In reality, that feeling is often diminished after marriage but is usually replaced by a deeper connection that strengthens intimacy and communication where love can flourish. A marriage requires many concessions and an era of truce after war, similar to the deals made by politicians in search of peace. Something as simple as a woman not feeling like cooking but there is no budget for a dinner out, and a hungry man could spark an argument that would last for hours and ends with both partners being unhappy because neither would compromise. He wants her to cook dinner and she wants to dine out. Compromise would involve something such as food delivery and a movie, where the woman shows appreciation for how hard the man works and can keep to the budget while he sympathizes with how tired she must feel cleaning the house and looking after the kids, or came home from work tired and doesn't have the energy to cook. Apply that kind of compromise on a big scale and that's where the Egyptian couple fail. He sticks to the notion that women are responsible for the household and demands she provide a meal. She stubbornly states that he loves her no more and doesn't treat her the same way he did when they were engaged. Neither is looking at the big picture or all the external factors that may or may not contribute to their situation.

When both partners refuse to compromise and carry resentment for each other, communication inevitably breaks down. A marriage that lacks communication is like a ship without crew, a train wreck waiting to happen. But it's important to note that sexual incompatibility and frustration is one of the leading causes of divorce. Many couples expect that sex will solve their problems, or that sex is a reward for putting up with celibacy for so long and so it's profound enough to fix anything. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Sex in marriage often transforms into a display of affection, more commonly known as "making love" and raunchy sex is seen by some as pure passion. Sex is just that, sex. It can be an act of love between two people, but ultimately it is a physical need which humans desire to fulfill. Sex cannot solve marital problems and it cannot create affection where there is none. In fact, problems unrelated to sex often penetrate into the bedroom and translate into miserable sex or lack thereof. Egyptian couples seem to understand the significance of sex but fail to see that it's just a barometer that measures how well the marriage is doing. Couples who suffer from problems in the bedroom almost always have problems in other areas of their life that simply have been translated into the bedroom. Many Egyptian couples are overwhelmed by the sense of frustration, especially newlyweds, when they fail in the bedroom. They see it as a form of betrayal or a reward that's been denied after being celibate for so long. And that frustration can lead to abandonment. They both jump ship so to speak. Problems will always arise between married couples and that's why commitment is key to the success of their marriage. Couples who are committed to fixing their problems or meeting half way are the ones who can make their marriage work. But Egyptian couples seem to put an effort only in relation to the short term gain often because both partners come into the marriage with preset notions, misconceptions, unrealistic expectations, and excess personal baggage.

Marriage is all about the big Cs. Marriage in it's infancy is a fragile thing. It needs to be nurtured to grow and flourish. In a successful marriage, both partners are consenting adults who have successfully sorted through their personal baggage, set their misconceptions aside, and adjusted thier expectations to be in line with reality, all through communication. Unfortunately, I don't see many Egyptian couples who fit that description. Their solution, based on a short term gain, is to divorce or remain in an unhappy marriage.

Ramadan

2008-09-01T09:57:00.004-03:00

Happy Ramadan

Flashback

2008-08-30T09:55:00.008-03:00

Back when I was in college, among the many papers I wrote, one was about sexual assault. It wasn't about statistics or a bunch of numbers that meant something. The paper was about the victim; one victim. What does it feel like to realize you are going to be a victim? What goes in your mind at that moment, the very moment that you realize your life will not be the same again. There's been a lot of chatter on the internet as of late, about the latest sexual harassment survey conducted in Egypt. Of particular interest was one statement that indicated "53 percent of men blamed women for bringing on sexual harassment, saying they enjoyed it or were dressed in a way deemed indecent. Some women agreed." So, here's an account of what went through the mind of one victim in those painful moments...

It's cold tonight, why is it so cold? I still have so much work to do, my paper is due next week, the library sucks. I'm hungry, food, I need food. Go home make food. I still have to study. The paper, must finish the research.

It's too quiet. I'm late, it's late, it's dark. Should have gone home earlier. I hate the library, why does it have to be so far.

Walk faster.. I'm late.. it's too late. Footsteps. Who? Footsteps?

No one else is there. I'm alone. Is he following me? No, you're paranoid girl.

Is he singing?? Is he following me? He's following me! Panic! Panic! Turn! Turn! Look at him, do you know him? Recognize him. Features. Look for his face. Too dark. I don't know him, I don't know him. Scared, scared.

Walk faster, faster. Run! Is he talking to me? He's talking to me. I gotta go. Run!

Why is it so quiet?? My heart is racing. I can't breathe. Wait, he's gone. You're paranoid! I'm going crazy.

OK, walk faster, quickly, go home now.

SHIT!

What do you want!? Oh my God he's up in my face. Too close. Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

He's touching me! Yell, Yell. Help!

HELP!! Yelling, yelling. Not working. STOP! He's heavy, PUSH! Away, move away.

This is not happening, I'm dreaming. Just dreaming. It's happening! It's happening. Fight harder. Fight!

My fingers hurt, dig fingernails deep, dig them into his skin, scream scream. Scratch hard. Skin under my fingers. His hands are cold. Bite! Cut his face. Pinch his flesh. Tear him off!

Oh my God, gun, he's going to kill me. Hit him, hit hit hit. Kick, scream. Cannot breath, move his hands off your throat quickly. Hit him, hit him everywhere. Scream. I'm gonna die I'm gonna die. Death, die, death. Hit harder. Kick harder.

Twist the finger twist it! Push him harder. Scream! Scream! Someone. Someone's voice. Who's that? HELP ME!

Push him! RUN RUN! Running away, free, run. My heart will stop I am out of breath. I can't go anymore. Run! Keep going, keep going, keep going or you will die. He's running behind me? No, he's gone. Is he gone? He's gone? Where is he? He ran away. RUN!

Run away, home safely, only a few minutes, climb the stairs quickly. Shut the door. Lock the door. Breathe, breathe. Stop shaking. Sit down. Mouth is dry. Need water. Cannot walk. Just sit here for a bit. Sleep, close eyes. Where is he? Is he still here? No, I'm at home now. He can't be here. Just stay, quiet. You're safe now. Safe. Shaking shaking. Stop shaking. Cannot stop shaking.

Ladies and gentlemen, does this sound like someone who "enjoyed" it?

Why do people believe in stupid things?

2008-08-26T11:49:00.012-03:00

This morning, I proceeded to check my email with coffee in hand when I saw this in my inbox:

Naturally, I realized it's spam. But I'm baffled by the number of people who believe in this crap without question. Not only that, but also the email is apparently sent to people who belong to the Muslim faith. If I understand it correctly, doesn't Islam call for individual thought and encourages every person to seek the truth as opposed to blindly believing in anything? The first thing that came to my mind when I saw this email is the fact that it's not plausible. As soon as I read it, I knew it was a hoax. Here's the mental process I went through:

ONE
Manufacturing a product like Genpets would be a massively unsound business decision. Bio-engineering is a very expensive and time consuming process. It's not something you can whip up in the basement of your home. To bio-engineer a toy would make it very costly. The average individual who earns an average income would most likely not be able to afford a bio-engineered toy, if there ever was one. Hence, mass production is futile if the target audience consists of only a select few. Just think, how many Lamborghinis are produced every year compared to Corollas. The cheaper the product the more people will buy. An expensive product only appeals to those who can afford it. Because a bio-engineered Genpets toy would be exorbitantly priced, only a niche market would be interested in purchasing such an item, namely people with deep pockets.

TWO
If we were able to mass produce a genetically engineered toy we would be well on our way to curing cancer. We would also have no need for kidney or heart transplants. I don't see that happening anytime soon. But if it did, liver cirrhosis would be a thing of the past and organ donor lists would become obsolete. That hasn't happened yet.

THREE
We are still in the process of perfecting stem cell research and there remains the question of it's ethical and social aspect. It's stands to reason that because we still question the validity and ethical sense of stem cell research that the idea of a toy such as Genpets would be rejected at the initial stages before it even reaches product design. In fact one of the main arguments surrounding the use of stem cell research is the fact that it could potentially devalue human life. Those who are against it argue that a human embryo is entitled to protection. It is because Canadians have a sense of morality and responsibility to society that they largely continue to debate and challenge stem cell research. In other words this kind of toy would not sell very well in Canada because it's plain creepy. This is what most Canadians would think of a Genpets toy. Like most developed nations, Canada values life and would find the mockery of this toy very offensive. No Canadian in their right mind that I know of would buy this toy for their child. Clearly whoever propagated this email is completely unaware of Canadian culture.

All of the above took place in my head within 20 seconds. Next, I simply googled Genpets, because only an intellectually challenged individual would take that email at face value without question or research. I was right to be skeptical. A quick description of the hoax is available here, and a further in depth analysis of the hoax is fully described on Snopes, a site dedicated to validating or debunking myths, urban legends, internet rumors, and email forwards, otherwise known as spam.

Those of you who frequent my blog remember that I published a post, a few months ago, about Canadians of convenience. In it I spoke about my cousin and her husband who wish to come to Canada only to land and then leave to go back home so that they can gain benefits from Canada without actually living there or paying any taxes. The email I received was sent to me by my cousin's husband. This further validates my initial assessment of him. He's not only a victim of crowd behavior and rationally challenged, but also seems to lack intellectual acuity and good judgment. This is precisely what I mean when I say Arabs are hypocritical. If this guy thinks that Canada is such a shit hole that houses immoral and hedonistic creatures, why is he trying to pursue a life here? But he doesn't really want a life here does he. He wants to steal from Canada. He wants to rape and pillage its resources for his benefit. He wants to use my hard earned money that I pay in taxes so he could live in Egypt while he spits on Canadians because he thinks he is a better person. I wonder, was his application for immigration rejected and now that he has been refused entry he decided Canada is bad for him? When are Egyptians going to stop being so juvenile?

The mind atrophies into oblivion if it's not frequently used. If it's kept in the dark for too long, cobwebs start to form and dust settles everywhere. What would happen if we aired out the place every once in a while? If everyone exercised some common sense before sending off this junk to unsuspecting innocents the world would be a better place. But common sense is not common is it...

Shattered Dreams

2008-08-25T15:23:00.005-03:00

I'm in the process of updating my music collection for my treadmill workout. The above song always reminds me of Egypt, because that is exactly what my country has given me - shattered dreams. I have been accused many times of being disloyal to my birth country because I speak very often about it's misgivings.

I mentioned the following analogy in an earlier post. Egypt is like the homeless crack-addicted mother who abandoned her newborn in the nearest dumpster and wandered the dark alleys looking to pay for her next fix via a blowjob. Canada is like the adoptive mother that heard the screams of a tiny baby in a dumpster, took it in, fed, protected, nurtured and treated the child as one of her own. Perhaps someday that biological mother will recognize she is a drug addict and get cleaned up. Perhaps she will one day regain my trust and rightfully demand my allegiance. But until then, my adoptive mother deserves all my loyalty, because for all intensive purposes she is the one who rescued me and continues to provide for me today. I am not disloyal. I love Egypt very much, but at the moment she is high and she will sell me out for a cheap fix.

Which mother would you be more loyal to?

And yes, I'm a product of the 80's (so go ahead and make fun). Beyond 1990, not much music has been produced, only noise.

Observation

2008-08-23T09:31:00.008-03:00

My man is away on a "guy trip" with his male friends where camping/hiking/bbq takes place among other things like celebrating testosterone, beating on chests, and the like.

A few simple and preliminary observations in your absence (if you have any kind of remote technological capability in the middle of buttfuck nowhere)...

Observation 1
Bed real estate has a new meaning.

Observation 2
I slept like a fish. No snoring or tossing and turning to keep me awake.

Observation 3
It took too long to fall asleep. No one to hug. The pillow was insufficient.

Observation 4
It got too cold in the middle of the night. I miss the cuddling and snuggling.

Conclusion
I like my bed and I like you in it.*

*quote by Mr. Big from Sex and the City

Can this be anymore of a clusterfuck!?

2008-08-20T14:43:00.007-03:00

--UPDATE--

How could we allow a historical building, over 200 years old, to burn to the ground in less than 24 hours? Why the fuck would it take 90 minutes for the first firetruck to reach the scene, especially when there was a fire station about 100 meters away? And why were there no provisions for fire prevention or at the very least a sprinkler system installed during the restorations that took place three years ago? Why do we have to wait for a disaster to happen before we implement the proper measures to deal with it? After watching this video I came to the conclusion that the pyramids are an architectural miracle not only because they can withstand the test of time, but also because Egyptians haven't figured out a way to destroy them yet. Unbelievable!

From the unbelievable incompetence to handle the spread of the fire to the harassment of female bystanders and reporters during the fire to the unequipped firemen who are not even dressed in appropriate firemen suits and the employees in the building who could not operate fire extinguishers... (click here for English)

Cheat Code

2008-08-18T09:42:00.003-03:00

What would make a seemingly sane and intelligent person embrace a set of ideas so foreign and imposing to his individual thought?

I must confess how confused I am about Egyptian men who live in the West for over 10 years or are sometimes born there, yet they embrace all the values/traditions/bad habits of the Middle East. To me they seem very conflicted. I think it's duplicitous to live in one culture but embrace values which contradict that very culture. I don't mean giving up one's entire ethnic background, but adopting beliefs that clearly define human development like equality between men and women, freedom of religion, etc. I am baffled for example, by the hypocrisy that allows Arab men to judge women based on their status of virginity when they themselves don't abide by the rules set out to prevent women from being sexually active prior to marriage (read: ownership).

Is it possible that duplicity is only a symptom? Perhaps the root of the problem is in the inherent male selfishness, in that those men realize that Middle Eastern societies give them benefits that their female counterparts don't get, i.e. premarital sex without consequences. Could it be an excuse, in that it gives those men the opportunity to cheat and embrace traditions or values from their original culture that are totally unacceptable in the society they live in currently? In recent conversation, someone presented a very clever analogy. If life was a video game, and those men are the players, then those Middle Eastern traditions are the cheat codes they use to get past the hard parts of the game, kind of like playing a shooting game with God mode on, so one can kill everybody and move on to all levels without dying, and without any effort. So it's this "cheating" that makes it appear as if that Arab man forgot that he lives in the West or that he is open-minded, when he neither forgot nor is open-minded. That suggestion explains why many of those "cheating" variety refuse to live in the very countries that they wish to embrace culturally. For example, an Egyptian man chooses to embrace Egyptian traditions yet insists on living in Canada. And that is precisely where my confusion comes from. It's because I bought into the whole open-minded concept but in reality it's a myth. The reasoning being, there is no open-minded Arab man. There is however, a Westernized Arab man. In continuing the conversation, the simple answer to my question is the upper hand. In other words, that person embraces a foreign set of beliefs because it gives him an advantage that his current beliefs don't. In this case, the Arab man has the advantage of being superior to women if he embraces Arab values and traditions unlike Western values and traditions.

I must admit, it's a valid point. I never thought of it that way. Could this perspective be somewhat closer to the truth?

Coffee

2008-08-17T13:01:00.010-03:00

Experiment
Order a cup of coffee at the drive through window

Results
Cup arrives promptly, shoved into subject's hands, lid unsealed, shaken into oblivion, coffee dripping everywhere, upon inspection tastes like colored water

Conclusion
Coffee shop uses outdated methods of employment whereby employee IQ must not exceed 15

Why on earth would you shake the fuck out of a cup of coffee like it's a martini.. in the wrong business, perhaps??

Question

2008-08-15T11:39:00.001-03:00

Why does the Arab man marry a Western woman knowing full well she is not a virgin, yet he will not wed an Arab woman who is not a virgin?

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

2008-08-15T09:37:00.001-03:00

Possibly the best scene ever...

Doublethink

2008-08-14T20:49:00.002-03:00

On revisiting why assimilation by developed groups is sometimes necessary…

Sometimes I forget why I left the Egypt and what I hate about it but I take comfort in the fact that I can rely on any one group of Egyptians to quickly remind me of what I’m not missing. Others never fail to point out that I’m missing so much by not being there yet they can never manage to identify exactly what it is I’m missing, only that I miss it. Am I missing the duplicity of the Egyptian merchant who double deals to his customers based on the presence of mammary glands or is it male chauvinism and misogyny that rears its ugly head when any woman speaks the truth? Or perhaps I’m missing the complete and utter disrespect for time when everything takes twice as long and the corruption that runs rampant in government offices where civil servants demand gifts and kickbacks to do what is supposed to be their job? Or is it that I’m missing the sheer stupidity of the Egyptian public who can’t form a straight line to save their life and continue to live a lie by deceiving others and deluding themselves into believing that their country is still on top of the world and they are the best nation on this earth?

I’m certain that there’s are a minority of half decent Egyptian folk living quite a miserable life in Egypt currently, because you’d have to be miserable if you are decent and living in such a shit hole. However, I haven’t met any of them yet. I only know a few decent Egyptians living abroad, so few in fact that I can count them all on one hand.

I think the best description of Egyptian society today can be conveyed through the writings of George Orwell in "1984" when he coined the term doublethink:

To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which canceled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again: and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word ‘doublethink’ involved the use of doublethink.

And that I don’t miss.

Please Do Not Read This Blog

2008-08-13T09:10:00.005-03:00

I am only going to say this once.

If you wish to disagree with me please feel free to do so, but refrain from calling me whore/liar/slut/stupid/racist/sexist/arrogant. I am not your punching bag. Find out what's bothering you or making your life miserable and fix it. If you don't like what I write please don't read this blog.

I enjoy reading other people's points of view especially when they are different than my own, but in a respectable atmosphere. Please do not tell me that my experiences are wrong. They are not yours to judge and they did not happen to you. An experience cannot be wrong and neither can an opinion. They are simply different from your own. Something that is presented as fact however can be wrong. If you still think someone's experience is "wrong", please do not read this blog.

This blog is written in English, and will remain in English. If you cannot understand the difference between "you are sexist" and "your statement is sexist" or "you are racist" and "your statement is racist" please do not read this blog. There are many subtleties to the English language and I don't have the time or stamina to explain them, so please, don't read this blog.

If you assume something that is not stated in my post and it offends you to the extent that you feel compelled to show me the error of my ways, please hold your tongue. It's not my problem that you failed to comprehend or came in with preexisting notions in your very inflated head. I don't believe there's a cure for that yet so please do not read this blog.

I don't engage in flame wars and I'm not interested in doing so. If your goal is to piss me off so that I would indulge your little fantasies please be aware it will never happen. I suggest you explore the reason why you have no friends and no life. Oh and please, do not read this blog.

I have a lot of respect and admiration for many of my readers, particularly the ones who share opinions that differ from my own. Those of you who disagree with me and have something to add please continue to do so. And those of you who find my blog entertaining or benefit from it in any way please continue to visit. I very much would like to hear from you still; this post is not directed at you. Please continue to read this blog.

However, if you feel the need to attack me or my readers because you simply fail to make your point, please sod off. And if you're offended by this particular post then you obviously didn't get it so please leave and close the door on your way out. This blog is not for you.

Interracial Relationships

2008-08-11T11:39:00.018-03:00

Germaine: I don't understand. He says he loves me but he keeps prolonging this. He won't just get it over with. It's not like I'm asking him to be a cleric in Al-Azhar. I just want him to read about Islam enough to convert. And then he has to go to school. My parents just cannot accept him as a mechanic.

James: How can you love someone and not accept them the way they are. I understand Islam has mandates but Islam didn't mandate that I graduate with honors or with a post-graduate degree.

Lamya: I figured since he is Catholic he knows the basics of the religion but he just doesn't believe in the Coptic part. I don't think he loves me. He says he'll think about it. What's there to think about?

Ron: What does she care about her parents anyway? She doesn't need their blessing. If she really loves me she would come with me to Minnesota.

Sonya: My parents will never understand. He's not Sikh. But I love him very much and I want to be with him. I'm afraid my father would hurt him if he found out about him.

Paul: She is a grown woman and can make her own choices. She doesn't need her parents. They are backward and inflexible. They live in this country now. They have to get with the times.

Mona: I love my parents very much and I just cannot imagine my life without them. There has to be some sort of compromise that we can reach. If he converts to Islam then my parents could at least entertain the idea of us being together.

Scott: I understand the severity of non-conformity in the Arab culture and I'm aware of the consequences if we decide to marry without her parents' blessing. I have to know more about Islam before I decide. And I really cannot promise anything. If it's not for me then it's not for me. But if I have to say a few words to attest to something and in return we get to be with each other, I see no harm in that.

Imam in a mosque: You must change your name now, it should reflect the Islamic identity. What would you like it to be? Abdullah sounds good, it means servant of God.

Tray: It's going to be Tray. I converted to Islam; I never agreed to become Arab.

These are comments I've heard from some of the couples I've known in the past. They depict some of the misconceptions each partner has about the other. Some of the names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those individuals. This is a continuation to the last issue I brought to the forum and it incorporates many topics, several of which need to be addressed in individual posts of their own. I have done my best to try and amalgamate everything into one short essay. Although as an essay this post may be brief in form, I think it's comprehensive in scope. And before we start, please refrain from insulting me or the readers of this blog. What's written here is my opinion only. I am not an expert. So please don't go ranting about how this is fact or that is fiction; it's an opinion, my opinion. I hope that's clear.

Converting to any religion has a profound effect on one's life. I think many women like Germaine fail to recognize the severity of what they ask their partners to do. Religion often calls for an adjustment of ones core beliefs. Those who choose to convert, in a sense, have to revisit their entire outlook on life, and how they live it. In the case of Islam, it penetrates all aspects of Muslims' lives, right up to the bedroom, and the type of sexual pleasures involved. Converting involves whole ideologies being broken down and reconstructed. James, for example, would have to stop eating pork and consuming alcohol. He would have to fast 30 days out of the year in Ramadan and avoid having sex during the fast. In the end, it is only a word to be uttered, to believe in one God and his prophets, and become a Muslim. However, James grew up in a place and time where one doesn't have to believe in anything by force, especially faith. And so for him to convert, he needs to understand what is being asked of him and how he can apply it to his life. This is a process that takes time, in addition to your time of dating. In other words, just because they were dating for 3 years, it's unreasonable for Germaine to expect James to make a decision in a year. This is not the sort of thing you can set time constraints for like a product with an expiry date. Much like the way you can't confine love to a period of weeks or months.

One of the biggest mistakes of my life (which almost killed our relationship) was the assumption that converting to Islam is a simple process. Like Germaine, I believed that my husband did not have to put any effort into it. I neglected one thing. Namely the fact that I am born into the religion and so it's inseparable from my culture. Whereas for my husband, like Scott/Tray, it was truly a religion. For them, Catholicism (or Judaism) was entrenched with cultural habits as well, just as Islam was for me. One of the biggest misconceptions associated with that is the idea that a convert can easily abandon his seemingly Christian practices (i.e. Christmas celebrations, Easter, etc.) now that he is a Muslim. This is a huge mistake that could precipitate the break up of the relationship. Many of the things we take for granted, like putting up a Christmas tree during Christmas, are abolished for converts. And when you do that, you are in effect destroying childhood recollections that are often associated with happy memories. Nowadays, the majority celebrate Christmas as part of their culture. Activities like putting up and decorating a Christmas tree are a family bonding experience. Visiting family and relatives for Christmas dinner is a time to get together and celebrate our achievements in the past year, remember our losses, and look forward to the coming year. To expect a convert to simply drop those cultural traditions is akin to asking you to drop Ramadan. Sure, you can stop fasting, but can you stop visiting your family for Ramadan dinners? And can you stop celebrating Eid? Those values do not symbolize religion. On the contrary, in this day and age, those cultural customs symbolize the importance of family and friends.

Ten years ago I remember asking my husband "We shouldn't be doing Christmas anymore, should we?", and he had this blank look on his face. I explained to him now that he's Muslim, he can't embrace Christian traditions anymore. He told me "You can't not do Christmas. Christmas is not Christian." I think that was very naive on my part. To deny Christmas is like denying his family. And I couldn't possibly understand that at the time. For him Christmas came right along with family and friends, and it was either I accept that or we go our separate ways. It was as if he asked me to let go of Ramadan and my family. After a long discussion, we agreed to celebrate both Ramadan and Christmas. I did however come to realize later how very painful it would be to not celebrate those traditions. I have been living in Canada for well over a decade. I am often unable to go to Egypt to visit my family during Ramadan because of work duties. I don't celebrate Ramadan with my Canadian friends either. It's not about fasting, and even when I put up those little oil lamps with their bright colors, it doesn't feel the same. Without the dinner parties, the hustle and tussle of kids and adults around the table waiting to eat, the lazy conversations after food, the desserts, it's really impossible to experience Ramadan. It's a very lonely feeling. Only then was I able to fully understand what it means to ask someone to stop celebrating something they've long done since they were kids. I know a few people who read about Islam and the idea of converting had crossed their mind. When they were told that they would have to stop celebrating Christmas and Easter, they decided not to convert.

Lamya had pretty much the same preconceptions that of Germaine; the idea that's it's easy to convert. But even if it involves converting from one sect to another, i.e. Catholic to Coptic, the issue remains the same. Both religions have a different set of beliefs. Whether it's converting from Catholicism to Islam, or Coptic, it's still incredibly hard and a huge undertaking for any person. However, I find Ron's black and white view extremely simplistic and naive. Eloping is often portrayed by Hollywood as a liberating experience when it couldn't be farther from the truth. There is no happiness for someone who is afraid for their life or alone and exiled because they've lost family support. I think Ron's limited understanding of love contributed to his erroneous belief that love really conquers all. It's presumptuous and unreasonable of him to ask Lamya to set aside everything she believes in, destroy her relationship with her family, and burn bridges with friends just to prove to Ron that she loves him. Very much like the assumption that it's easy to let go of Christmas and Easter, it's not only unreasonable, it's unacceptable.

The same concerns I mentioned about Ron, I had about Paul. Sonya never asked him to become Sikh because she knew it was not possible. According to Sonya, the caste system is unofficial in India but still heavily applied in interpersonal dealings. Sonya's parents viewed Paul like an outsider, and of a lower class than her, therefore they could never give their blessings for the marriage. Paul, however, showed no initiative at all to understand where Sonya was coming from, or what she had to endure to be with him. His comments always had an air of racism and ignorance. With that kind of thinking one partner will always lose. In this case it was Sonya. Her father disowned her and wouldn't speak to her. His reasons for disliking her boyfriend were motivated by racial discrimination. But in reality, I think the relationship would have failed even if her father had given his blessing, only because Sonya and Paul were incompatible. They both had very different ideas about where their life was headed.

My point is, our potential partners have to be evaluated as such. Only in Hollywood does love create miracles. Without understanding and respect, love will not flourish, and the relationship will suffer. Like any couple with the same faith and ethnicity, partners have to be compatible aside from anything else. If my husband did not possess the qualities I wanted in a partner, and I for him, we never would have made it, even if we both were of the same race and religion. Compatibility is essential not only for the success of the relationship but also for the ability to overcome the hardships associated with the race/faith gap. And for those who are interested, only one of the above couples (Mona & Scott) succeeded in overcoming the personal, religious and cultural barriers.

The type of conversation between Mona and Scott is closer to the one my husband and I had when we first began our relationship. There was a mutual understanding that certain conditions have to apply if we wish to take a step further in our relationship. Each of us made the other aware of our limitations and constraints. I remember in addition to making the same statement Mona made, I also said something to the effect of "I'm aware that what I say may sound like it's complete horseshit, but before our relationship goes anywhere in a direction that we may not be able to change later, I need you to know that Islam mandates that Muslim women marry Muslim men only. I'm not saying things will get serious, but I just wanted you to know that, just in case they do." (And he didn't run for the hills, people, he didn't) In summary, they laid out their cards on the table, much like we did. There were no hidden surprises, at least none that either of us were aware of, although our parents had different plans. I still maintain that in order for interfaith and interracial relationships to work, both parties must have a mutual understanding of the value of compromise, and the extent to which the other is willing to go.

When my husband and I were engaged I was under the impression that it's easy once he converts to Islam. It's not. Along with Islam, comes a massive set of cultural expectations. We, as Arab Muslims, are taught from infancy that God loves Arabs, which is a belief that is often backed by the theory that because the Quran is in Arabic then Arabs are the chosen race. Many who convert are asked to change their name, for example as we see in Tray's case. In fact, my husband uttered that very same statement the day he announced he was Muslim. The same thing happened. The Imam at the centre asked the same retarded question and everyone there rudely took part in deciding and blurted out a name for him. It seems that this behavior, or phenomenon if you wish, stems from the racist belief that Arabs are better people for the simple reason that they speak Arabic. Also, Muslims often demand that converts learn the Arabic language, so that they could read the "true Quran" (because the translated Quran is apparently not real) and pray in Arabic. According to the Imams, (and I say it in plural because it's been propagated by more than a dozen I know about) prayer in English is only accepted for a few months after converting, after that it's a sin. Once again, the notion of expiry dates is being applied to things that cannot be identified in terms of time constraints. What my husband and I decided to do, was ignore all the bullshit that comes with Islam, or more likely, the beliefs associated with Islam that are really part of Arab culture.

Arabs are also very class oriented. There is a social ranking system within Egyptian society for example, where someone's profession dictates what level of intellect he/she is at and in turn how valuable they are as a person. This, I believe, is very similar to the caste system that's in India, the idea being that the poor and less educated are in a lower class and are less deserving of respect. It doesn't stop there, part of that racism extends to the idea that even if the poor manage to acquire an education, they are still low class (depending on their parents' profession). In the above scenarios, James had that very problem. Germaine's parents regarded him as low class and undeserving of their daughter because he had a degree in Auto Mechanics despite the fact that he worked in the IT department of a reputable company. And that is not dictated by religion, rather it's ingrained in the Arab culture. James felt like he's not good enough because he didn't have the degree associated with intelligence. As far as he was concerned this was higher class snobbery. And no one could convince him otherwise.

My parents had the same request. They wanted my husband, in addition to converting, to also complete a university degree. Those letters people put behind their names, like M.D., P.h.D., Judge, Magistrate, King, mean nothing if that person is not intellectually compatible with their partner. Make no mistake, I'm not making light of those people who put a lot of hard work and time into gaining those degrees/titles. On the contrary, it's an impressive effort and one to be acknowledged. What I mean is, people should be judged by who they are and what they do instead of by a piece of paper acquired from some educational institution. My husband is more worldly and informed than many of the people we know who have a number of degrees on their belt. Some people can be intelligent without post secondary education. Exposure to different ideas and the pursuit of knowledge through reading, debating, etc. constitutes valuable education in itself. People who deal with my husband are often fascinated and shocked when they learn he does not have a degree. He knows more about everything than I do (even though I've completed university), and that's not an understatement. I asked him once how he knows so much about everything, and he replied "I just read, a lot." And yes, sometimes I wonder if he works for the CIA.

Back when my parents were unrelenting in their request for him to get an education, I did two things. First I asked him, if he ever considered getting a formal education. He said that he did think about it and that he might do it but he sees no benefit really and he would prefer to build up on what would benefit his career instead. I told him I would support him in whatever he decided. After a few months of researching he decided he wasn't going to do it. That was it. I didn't push, and I didn't nag. It wasn't something he was prepared to do and I wasn't going to ask him to spend 3 or 4 years of his life chasing after. It's horribly unfair. Next, I discussed it with my parents. I urged my father to speak to him about anything, and stated "if you think that his lack of formal education makes him less of a person, then don't agree to our marriage."

It seems that part of the reason parents are so unyielding to the lack of formal education is their inherent fear that their daughters will suffer with someone who lacks intellect. They have this image that this uneducated person is akin to a "neanderthal" who cannot achieve anything without his wooden club and is incapable of taking part in any semblance of civilized dialogue. Some of those parents are afraid that this neanderthal will beat their daughter into submission. At least that's the image my parents conjured up when I revealed to them that my husband does not possess any formal post secondary education. When my dad met him he was blown away. He discovered that my husband was well versed and had impeccable manners. My mother on the other hand was not so forgiving. She still couldn't get past the education hurdle. She complained to me about what she'll tell other people. I told her that it's her choice but she doesn't need to tell them what he graduated with or from, rather what he does for a living. If they assume it's related to what he graduated with, then that's fine. If she wants to lie, that's also her choice. But I told her I don't care one way or the other, because I don't really. He makes me happy, and that's what counts.

That being said, we must be mindful of other key issues. Interracial marriages lack the head start other marriages have. They encounter not only societal prejudice, but also innate problems due to the disparities among their respective cultures compounded by those previously existing in a marriage. It's common for different racial groups to bring diversity and desirable elements to society by presenting their own principles and practices. Any interracial marriage can potentially achieve that task. In an ideal world (i.e. utopia), people should be able to appreciate the merging of two cultures on a small scale. However, in this world, many people think of interracial marriages like a hostile takeover instead of an act of love between two people of different ethnicity.

Ultimately, we all have to make a choice. Sometimes that choice is not ideal. But it stands to reason. After all, the world we live in today is not ideal either.

Germaine

2008-08-08T16:22:00.007-03:00

Back when I was in school, instructors often required us to write papers to examine the extent of our understanding of course material. I remember one year my topic of choice was about culture clash and its effect on people who relocate to places away from their homeland. I thought it was appropriate for someone like myself who, at the time, had been a newcomer to Canada. Armed with an abundance of experience between myself and others, I started accumulating my research. Somewhere along the way and well into the allotted time for paper submission I discovered that I overlooked a minor but very important issue which I thought could branch out to be a paper on it's own. I was full of ideas back then and very optimistic. While researching the subject, I came across some limited material that discussed the psychological effects of culture differences on interracial couples. The studies that have been done specifically focused on preexisting cultural and religious ideologies that were carried forward by each partner, how they infiltrated relationships/marriages and influenced offspring. I thought it was interesting but I never actually researched it or wrote about it.

That particular topic was the focus of discussion once again in my later years at school. I was having a conversation with a group of classmates who were writing a paper on a similar topic only theirs was about interracial couples where one partner was White/Caucasian and the other was African American. In their paper they were looking to focus on African Americans who belong to the Muslim Nation (i.e. African Americans who practice the Islamic faith) and the difficulties that might arise within a relationship due to inherent faith conflicts. I remember, in particular, I discussed a specific case of a woman I knew who lived in Egypt. Today, I would like to discuss the situation of that woman. I'm sure she's not in that same situation currently as I've lost touch with her, but there are many Egyptian women who are in the same boat today.

Germaine was your average Egyptian middle class girl, 25 and working to complete her Masters degree (I forget what area; I think it may have been journalism or social work) in Cairo. She had recently come to Egypt after living in the UK for 15 years. Her parents decided for whatever reason that the family was better off returning to their home in Egypt. Germaine was a Muslim though not a practicing one. We struck a conversation after class one day and quickly became friends within a couple of months. She confided in me that she's got a dilemma.

Germaine was in love with a British national whom she wanted to marry but feared retaliation from family and friends if they found out. James was Christian, also not practicing. He appeared to love Germaine as well. The problem was that her family demanded that James convert to Islam. That was only part of it. James also was what many Egyptians would call "educationally incompatible" with Germaine. He'd completed two years in Auto Mechanics before dropping out of school. As far as her parents were concerned, James was a car mechanic (by all Egyptian standards, a very low class job) and even uneducated since he dropped out. Without a college degree her parents would not even entertain the idea that she would marry James, even if he converted.

It doesn't stop there. James was not interested in converting nor interested in going back to school. He had already secured a job in the IT industry, and was doing well for himself with an average income. He didn't feel the need to spend money and time on something that will not add to his already abundant knowledge base. He didn't think faith was important and he felt that Germaine was pressuring him into doing things that he didn't want to do and accused her of not loving him because she wouldn't stand up for his right to choose. I empathized with Germaine because I understood she was under pressure as well. From her perspective, in order for their relationship to go anywhere, James would have to get a degree and convert, things that are very easy to say but not as easy to do. This was a frequent theme to their arguments and without a doubt caused heartache for both of them. When I noticed that she was in distress, I offered to help, but there was not much I could do other than listen to her and offer words of encouragement though I didn't agree with everything she did. At the time, Germaine was not ready to listen to any sort of advice and rejected any alternate ideas.

Her situation was stressful indeed. Every six months she would invite James to come over to Egypt and visit her for a couple of weeks. He could only afford airfare with his income. Germaine would pay for his stay which included everything from accommodations to food and drink to going out. She had very little money left for herself. But even when James came to visit, he and Germaine would repeatedly have arguments about converting to Islam and going back to school, i.e. big steps he needs to take to secure the future of their relationship. It seemed like a dead end. When I spoke to Germaine she would often say "I feel really betrayed. He promised me that he would convert and now he says he has cold feet". And when I spoke to James he would say that he feels like less of a person and that Germaine can't accept him as is. He couldn't understand why she wanted to change him. In all honesty, he understood quite well the necessity of converting because it's a faith thing. What he couldn't get over was the prejudice against people who do not have higher education. Neither I, nor Germaine, could explain to him accurately why that is.

This cycle took place over 3 years. Without going into further detail, after I left to Canada I learned from mutual friends that Germaine and James had split up. A few months later Germaine got engaged to an Egyptian man (whom I was told she did not particularly like, but was the "best of the bunch") and most likely went back to the UK. A sad ending to the story, no doubt.

The reason I post this is because all the women who are in Germaine's predicament think that they are alone. They are not. There are many Egyptian women who suffer the same fate as Germaine. It was very common, especially among Egyptians returning to Egypt. I believe it's still common. I met several women like Germaine when I visited Egypt the last few times.

I have my own ideas about the above scenario. However, I wanted to involve my readers to get a sense of what they think about this particular issue. I'm not looking to pass judgment and neither should anyone. If you happen to be one of those women with that particular dilemma please feel free to comment. I think your input would be greatly appreciated. And a note to those who feel the need to judge/alienate/punish/insult those women, your comments will be deleted. Many of my readers are those women with that particular problem and I will not have you drag them in an unnecessary flame war when they are already under tremendous pressure. So please, take your judgments and stereotypes elsewhere. Everyone else, your input would be appreciated.

In the next post I will address key issues that I think affect interracial and inter-faith relationships if you will. And once again, I am no expert. I just provide information and perhaps a different point of view. If that happens to help even one person, then I've achieved my goal.

And to all those women who are under duress and have to make that terrible choice between the one you love and the possibility of exile by family and friends, my heart goes out to you all. You are all strong women. Stand your ground. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

Poll, anyone?

2008-08-06T10:31:00.014-03:00

In the past week, I've been bombarded by emails requesting more information (i.e. posts) on sex topics. I've previously written posts that focused or included heavy sexual content. It seems that Egyptian women are hungry for that kind of knowledge. That's not surprising considering the taboo nature of sex in Egypt and other Arab countries. Although there weren't many comments for posts under the sex label, the emails were plenty. Many women would like to know more about sex but are afraid to speak about it in public. I can't help but feel like there is something I can do especially with the likes of Heba Kotb and Qaradhawi spreading information that is, at best, inaccurate. Let's get some things straight first.

I, under no circumstances, am claiming to be a sex therapist, sex educator, or anything of the sort. I'm just an average woman with a healthy sexual appetite who has mainly average friends (and a few extraordinary ones) and have an insatiable thirst for knowledge - about anything. I am not an expert. Everything I write about sex is based strictly on experience, mine and that of my friends. If on occasion I happen to provide statistics to back my theories it's because those numbers do exist and I often provide the link so you can look up the information yourself. My goal is to help Egyptian women like myself become more aware of their sexual potential. My topics will not target male audience specifically, but there may be things that men could find interesting or enlightening. I don't claim to be perfect, and like I mentioned earlier, I'm not an expert. So if I post something that you disagree with please feel free to comment, but refrain from calling me a pervert, liar, or wrong. After all, there is no wrong way to have sex.

If this idea takes off, I promise you I will be open to anything. I am not a sex expert but I do know a fair bit about the subject, more than the average Egyptian woman at any rate. I don't believe in sex with strings and I don't discriminate. Everyone is entitled to pleasure the way they see fit, provided it's between consenting adults. I need to make a few things clear, though. I do not believe homosexuality is wrong and I don't think gays and lesbians will burn in eternal hell. Sexual orientation is not a factor in my assessment of individuals. I respect anyone who's decent whether they are gay, lesbian, black, blue or from Jupiter. I don't think anal sex turns you into a pig and I don't believe threesome sex is a creation of the devil. I am capable of understanding the pleasure others take in an activity even though I may not participate in that activity. I don't believe that masturbation will affect your eyesight or make you promiscuous. I don't think shoe fetishes are disgusting and I don't think spanking during sex is abuse (once again as long as there's consent). I don't think pornography is dirty and I don't think it degrades or devalues women.

I know enough about sex to recognize that every one of us is different and what turns you on may turn off someone else. I am sexually intellectual in that I know the difference between transsexualism and cross-dressing. I understand the difference between rape and rape fantasy. I realize relationships come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and I understand the difference between open-marriage and infidelity.

The point is, I don't judge, and certainly not based on sex. All sexual topics are fair game except for the following:

Pedophilia - I don't think children have a clear understanding of the concept of consent. Sexual relations (including molestation) with children and minors is a crime.
Zoophilia and Bestiality - I find it hard to obtain consent from animals considering we don't speak the same language, therefore I'm inclined to reject the notion of sex between human and animal.
Necrophilia - Once again, the consent issue is vague on this one, not to mention it's a crime.
Snuff - Loss of life is not something to be taken lightly and getting off on watching people die is disturbing. The association with snuff, whether by production or participation, is a criminal offense.

Any emails or comments with reference to these topics will be deleted. This blog does not support criminal activity.

Knowing a little bit more about my sexual philosophy should help you decide whether you still would like me to talk about sex from my perspective.

What would my readers prefer?

Divine Math

2008-08-03T11:17:00.002-03:00

One of the things I've had to struggle with, until recently, is Islam's interpretation of good deeds and bad deeds. I realize that Islam mandates rewards for good deeds and punishments for bad deeds albeit that takes place in the afterlife and not necessarily as one is alive. I could never understand why Muslims rush to accumulate as many good deeds as they can. I believe the goal behind the entire concept is to educate people about what good intentions mean and how good deeds serve to better people and society in general. By the same token, bad deeds are destructive and can tear people apart.

Muslims today seem to have drifted from that goal. They no longer see the bigger picture. It's more about immediate rewards. The whole thing is reduced to a point system whereby everything is branded a number and every Muslim tries to collect as many points as they can. And from that system stems a more dangerous idea, that good points somehow cancel or make up for bad points. This notion of "divine math" is precisely why many Muslims justify committing crimes, or sins if you will, with the expectation that those sins will be canceled out because next week for example, they are going to perform an extra set of prayers. A case in point, and a perfect illustration of that, is the mass sexual harassment incident that took place in Eid of 2006. Some of the perpetrators were even heard on video chanting "We will fuck!", as a recourse to the pent up sexual frustration; the behaviors that they kept under wraps during Ramadan because they were trying to accumulate as many good points as they can. The idea is, since they've collected an abundance of spare points, they can afford to commit a few sins, as the good points will cancel out some of the bad points.

People often wonder how someone who seems pious, carefully follows the mandates of religion (any religion) yet accepts bribery, and sometimes even demands it. It's because that person can justify the bribery. In his own logic he has kids to feed, doesn't make much money in his current jobs, already works two jobs, fasts and prays and does a lot of good things, so it's alright to demand a bribe because he will make up for it later by doing good deeds, i.e. good points. This is one of the main reasons why corruption runs rampant in Egypt for example. The Egyptian public is overwhelmed and over worked with almost no faith in a government that shows little respect for its citizens. Add rigid religious mandates and a hefty does of poverty. The result is mass resentment and embitterment in a society that no longer sees the big picture and fails to think outside of the box.

It's also very common among Muslims to attribute someone's pain as an act of making up for bad things they've done in the past. It may seem cruel but in reality what they mean to say is that because that person is inherently good, God is giving them so much pain (specifically in cases of cancer patients) to make up for the bad things they've done so that they can go to heaven in a pure state. I find it absurd. Can't a cancer patient just be in pain because the cancer is doing a number on their organs? Must there be a reason for it? And the answer is yes, because as Arabs and Muslims, we are prejudicial. We don't want to be the bad guys. We prefer to think that all Muslims are pure even the ones who are criminal. We believe that criminals who happen to be Muslim are better than good Christians and good Jews. So we come up with the idea that God is somehow involved in every minute detail. We glorify little things that mean nothing and establish a system of algebraic expressions that determine what we do, how we do it, and why. Instead, we believe that someone has cancer because God is angry at them for the bad things they did, or testing them because they did good things to reward them even more. We refuse to think about the possibility that there are genetic make-ups that are prone to cancer and others that aren't. Even when there are numerous people around us who smoke for years and die a peaceful death meanwhile their next door neighbor is writhing in pain as cancer eats them alive although they haven't smoked a cigarette in their life. We still turn a blind eye. We manipulate others to bend them to our will such as the way we convince women that wrapping their head in a piece of cloth will accumulate more good points, which will cancel out all the bad points that they've accumulated by being uncovered in the past.

But it's a lot simpler than that, really. The question is who decides what is worth what. How do you decide if one deed is worth 2 points and another deed is worth 4 points. Who decides whether I'm being punished or tested for enduring pain? How do you explain that to someone who lost their child? How do you explain it to a soldier who lost his limbs defending his country? How do you explain it to a gang rape victim? How do you explain it to a boy who lost his parents to a car accident when he was 5? It doesn't seem possible.

When reduced to a set of mathematical equations, our actions lose meaning, and they open the door for unyielding and limited interpretations of our beliefs. That's the stuff of fundamentalists. With their rigid rules of social behavior they eliminate all opposition and diversity, eradicating whomever they perceive as traitors or dissidents. The result of divine math is a homogenized society where everyone is generic. Individuals are no longer unique, and their thoughts become standardized. They are lobotomized and their activities become robotic.

It seems to me that this "divine math" is nothing more than a "divine myth". After all, does God really carry an abacus?

Request

2008-08-02T20:53:00.003-03:00

My most brilliant ideas take place in the bathroom, usually while I'm brushing my teeth. The other day I had an idea (insert mad scientist laugh here) in which I would need to enlist the help of my readers. I would like to compile a portfolio (anonymous of course) of Egyptian women who are married, or in the process of getting married, to Western men. I would like to document the experiences of those women because I believe they have gone through a monumental feat. I think it's a massive achievement considering where we come from and how we were raised. And I know because I happen to be one of those women. I would like to know how they did what they did, what forces stood against them, what hurdles they've had to overcome and what kind of help they got along the way. You can share anything and everything; sad or funny. I already know a couple of women, but I would like to get to know more. So, if any of you, or someone you know, fits that category please drop a line in the comment section, or email me if you wish to remain anonymous.

Upon completion I intend to share the results on this blog. It goes without saying that everything will remain anonymous and in the strictest of confidence. Anything published here will only be in generalities and with consent.

Who knows, maybe one day we can even start a support group...

Snipped or Not?

2008-08-02T09:11:00.004-03:00

Based on popular demand, I present yet another conversation between my mother and I. This one is more adult oriented so if you have kids please cover their eyes. My dear mother prefers to have "important" conversations in the car, under the impression that since I'm driving I have no choice but to listen to her, i.e. trapped. A few weeks before my wedding, as I drive to the department store, with my mother in the passenger seat...

Mom: Sweetheart, tell me, is your fiance circumcised?

Me: (almost running into the car ahead of me) What!?

Mom: Don't be shocked, it's ok, you can talk to me about sexual things. I am your mother, I used to change your diapers, you know.

Me: Mother, you spent 25 years telling me never to speak about those things because it's wrong and now you want to talk about it??

Mom: Yes, now you are a grown woman and you are about to get married. It's important, is he or is he not?

Me: Is he what?

Mom: (sounding frustrated) Circumcised!? Don't fool around, this is serious.

Me: I don't know, mother. It didn't come up in conversation.

Mom: You must find out.

Me: OK, the next time I see him I'll ask him to unzip his pants so I can perform an inspection?

Mom: Don't be a fool! (voice getting louder) I'm serious. Just ask him if he is or not.

Me: I'm soooo not going to do that.

Mom: Why not? It's natural.

Me: He's going to think I'm crazy. What difference does it make anyway?

Mom: No, it's important. All Muslim men must be circumcised, God said so. It's for hygiene too. It's cleaner.

Me: Cleaner!? So, should I cut off my foot because it sweats?? Besides, what are we going to do, call off the wedding if he is not circumcised?

Mom: No, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, just ask him.

Me: This is ridiculous. I will do no such thing.

Mom: Why not? Aren't you two close and you understand each other. I don't understand what the problem is.

Me: (with sarcasm) Yes, mother we understand each other. Every morning he asks about my vagina, and I ask about his penis while we have coffee and donuts. What do you want, mother? Are you now encouraging me to talk to him about sex, before marriage? The devil might lead us to sin; didn't you always say that?

Mom: Shut up or be polite. I didn't raise you to be uncivilized.

After long silence...

Mom: OK, on your wedding night--

Me: (about to kill myself) Mother, I really don't want to talk about this... I hate where this is going.

Mom: Just listen, on your wedding night you can find out.

Me: (pretending to be real innocent) How do you expect me to know the difference anyhow?

Mom: You know what a man's part looks like?

Me: (someone please shoot me) I have a general idea, yes.

Mom: OK, well an uncircumcised one looks like it's wearing a long sleeve...

And she pulls her sleeve over her hand and gestures at me with a jerky motion. I take one look at her and press the brakes to avoid running into the tree on the side of the road.

It's conversations like those that remind me of why I love my mother and wouldn't trade her for any other. More from the vault soon...

Anonymous

2008-08-01T14:36:00.007-03:00

There are two issues I would like to address today. The first is about anonymous users. Several people leave comments on my blog without identifying themselves. If only one anonymous was leaving comments that would not be a problem, but seeing as there are several people who use the name, it becomes almost impossible to tell one anonymous from another. I try my best but I cannot respond to any more than one anonymous because I cannot tell who wrote what. So, from now on, if you use anonymous, please do not expect me to respond, especially if there is more than one anonymous comment.

In addition, the anonymous name sometimes accompanies a wave of insults. A particular user may wish to use anonymous in a cowardly fashion to offend and insult the blog owner and/or other readers without retaliation. This is juvenile behavior, people. Part of becoming an adult is the ability to bear the consequences of ones actions. Children are immature precisely because they act impulsively and are unaware of the consequences of their actions. So, from now on, if you plan on insulting me or my readers, please be prepared to provide an internet identity. You don't have to own a blog or even an email. All you need is just a name. Otherwise, no one, including myself, will take you seriously.

Despite all of the above, I would like to stress something. I absolutely understand the need for anonymity especially when sensitive topics are discussed. The nature of the Arab, not to mention Islamic, culture has created a jail cell for anyone wishing to express an opinion, such that they could only express it within the confines of that cell. I am aware that some of my readers use the anonymous name so as to not incur the wrath of the fundamentalists out there. Many people fear for their life and fear retaliation and I can appreciate that. But a simple internet identity that is not attached to any blog, web site, or email, will not uncover who you are, even if you use something like Anonymous001 so that I can at least realize that the anonymous who commented on post A is the same one that commented on post B. And although I am certain that some of you will still prefer to use Anonymous I will not be deleting your comments. I have not had to delete any comments yet, except my own, which brings me to the next topic I wish to discuss.

This is an excerpt of a recent comment made by one reader under the name Anonymous:

All the commetns I found on your blog are agreeing with you. And I found that a few comments have been removed by the author. Are you censoring your readers' posts? Or does everybody that reads your blog really agree with you, and those were just spam posts? Makes me wonder.....

Anonymous, whoever you are, you know who you are because you made that comment. I have never had the need to remove anyone's comment and I hope I never have to. I find your suggestion deeply offensive, considering I'm an advocate for freedom of speech and I think that's apparent in my posts. It's contradictory to advocate freedom of speech and then delete all the comments made by people who disagree with me. That's the work of a conflicted individual. I am not a schizoid type personality, I promise you. But since you felt the need to burst my bubble let me enlighten you.

If you had read some of my more in depth posts you would have noticed that, contrary to popular belief, not all my readers agree with me. Please refer to this post and this one, where you will notice that several readers do not bow to my command. Those posts are only two among others which demonstrate that not everyone agrees to what I say. Some of us realize the benefits of diversity and the concept of 'live and let live'. My readers know that in the end we can always agree to disagree. It doesn't mean either of us is necessarily wrong (or on crack), only that we're different. I think the world would be a terribly boring place if everyone agreed to everything.

Furthermore, please refer to this link. The message "This post has been removed by the author" in the comments section means that the author of the comment, i.e. the person who posted the comment, is the one responsible for removing it and not the blog administrator. If a blog owner deletes a comment, then you'll see something like this: "This post has been removed by a blog administrator". I have never deleted anyone's comment but my own. I don't censor even if the content is inflammatory. I generally don't read anything that I find offensive. When someone insults me I just ignore it. If you feed the trolls they will keep coming. I don't get involved in flame wars because I believe they're juvenile.

Last but not least, people tend to gravitate towards things that interest them. That's just basic human behavior. Many of this blog's readers agree with the things I say. Some of them don't. That's also a human trait. In general, the readers of this blog either come here because they are interested in the topics I write about or my writing style. Undoubtedly, many others read and don't comment, and they may agree or disagree with what I say. Likewise, a blog about baseball will attract baseball fans, where they may agree that baseball is fun but disagree about aspects of the game. My topics have a tendency to promote freedom in all its forms and they are written with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Naturally, they will attract audience with a similar mindset to my own. And, while I may not see eye to eye with every reader, I certainly appreciate the diversity and respect the difference of opinions.

So all in all, no, I don't censor, because I haven't found a need to.

The Dreaded Ferry

2008-07-28T14:39:00.005-03:00

I can't say that I'm shocked by the verdict in the Al-Salam 98 ferry case. It's to be expected from a totalitarian government that allows corruption to run rampant in all aspects of it's departments, including the justice system. This is the same justice system that repeatedly lets off the hook members of Egypt's political elite, one of which happened to be the owner of the Al-Salam ferry, Mamdouh Ismail and his son, Amr. Although they were suspected of negligence, the Egyptian courts failed to issue a ruling to stop them from fleeing the country. Two weeks after the ferry sank, Ismail and his son left for London, and the case went to court and they were tried in absentia and found innocent last week. The video above is in Arabic, but anyone with half a brain can see the reaction of the victims' families and how distressing and unfair they found the latest verdict.

I'm disgusted that no one was found guilty, despite evidence that proved otherwise, except for the captain of another ferry who received 6 months jail and a 10,000 Egyptian pound fine, which translates to roughly $2000 US. Both, the CNN (in Arabic) and BBC (in English), have published articles about the incident and the verdict. It seems that the charges brought against Mamdouh Ismail and his son were limited to their resistance to report the incident immediately and so by waiting it's reasonable to assume that they indirectly caused the death of many survivors who could not be rescued in time. Mamdouh Ismail is the one who stands to gain the most profit as a result of his company's commercial service. Ultimately, he is legally responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of all equipment and boats belonging to his company and in turn is responsible for the safety of passengers. He should be tried and convicted (in my opinion) for knowingly allowing the use of unfit equipment which consequently caused the death of over 1000 people when it malfunctioned, regardless of what caused the malfunction. In other words, he knew that his boats failed to meet the minimum safety standards, were not equipped with the means to put out a fire, and did not even have enough lifeboats. The bottom line is, he knew that in the event of a malfunction, the boat will most likely not be able to stay afloat and will cause loss of life. That is the definition of negligence.

It's become internationally known that Egyptians don't care much about human life. People in Egypt are killing each other over bread, which the government claims is subsidized but does nothing to ensure that it is sold at the subsidized rate. The value of a human being's life in that part of the world is almost non-existent. But to insult the families of the victims by applying a fine of 10,000 Egyptian pounds? Who or what is this fine for? Is that what an Egyptian's life worth today? The number of people who died aboard the dreaded ferry is 1034. If you do the math, the end result is 9.67 Eyptian pounds per victim, which is less than 2 American dollars.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's less than my morning cup of coffee...

Bedroom Practices 2

2008-07-27T14:41:00.010-03:00

WARNING: This article contains sexual content that may be offensive to some. Read at your own risk.

The following is an excerpt of some priceless gems on a web site that claims it makes Muslims aware, of what I don’t know. The blue text is my commentary, and please excuse the poor spelling and grammar, it's not my doing. Anyway, this is what happens when you allow religion to enter the bedroom.

--------------------------
Question
Respected scholars of Islam, As-Salamu `Alaykum wa Rahmatu Allah wa Barakatuh. I have a question that perplexes my mind, and I want you to clarify. What is the Islamic stance on oral sex between the husband and his wife? Jazakum Allah khayran.

Answer
Dear questioner, thank you so much for your concerns about your religion and Allah’s teachings even in what concerns your sexual life with your wife.

As regards your question, it is to be noted, first of all, that all acts that aim at satisfying and pleasing the spouses are allowable so long as two things are avoided, that is anal sex and having sex with a wife while she is still in her menstruation. Thus, it is permissible for a husband and a wife to practice cunnilingus and fellatio. Following we’d cite the opinions of some well-known Muslim scholars in this regard:

The eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi states:
“I was asked about oral sex in America and Europe when I began to travel to these countries in the early 70s. We are not used to be asked these questions in our Muslim countries. Those Western people are accustomed to stripping naked during sexual intercourse. (Am I to understand that we're expected to have sex while fully clothed?) These are communities of nakedness, and from the licentiousness of the woman (hmm, of course, because women are evil by default) that she wears nothing to screen her body in her daily life. (oh yeah, we walk down the street naked all the time here, especially when it's minus 25, it's exhilarating!)

So, they are in need of more excitements during copulation. (I would be worried if somehow a man became excited when he saw my big toe, really) However, men in our Muslim societies see nothing in the Muslim woman that can excite them on the basis of her wearing either Hijab (veil) or Niqab (face cover). (I guess you haven't seen the numerous camel toes and nipple pokes on veiled women in Egyptian streets) But concerning whether being in complete nakedness during practicing copulation is lawful or not, the Prophet of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said, "Guard your private parts except from your wife or your slaves." (Slaves? Oh yeah, they're still doing that in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. My bad.)

Muslim jurists are of the opinion that it is lawful for the husband to perform cunnilingus on his wife, or a wife to perform the similar act for her husband (fellatio) and there is no wrong in doing so. But if sucking leads to releasing semen (What exactly do you expect sucking to lead to other than release of semen?), then it is Makruh (blameworthy), but there is no decisive evidence (to forbid it). (If there is no evidence, how did you deduce it’s “makruh”?)

These parts are not dirty like anus, but it is ordinarily disgusting to man. (What's disgusting, the penis or the vagina, both of which are cleaner organs than the mouth, by the way) But there is no decisive evidence to make it unlawful, especially if the wife agrees with it or achieves orgasm by practicing it. Allah, Exalted and Glorified be He, says: "And who guard their modesty, save from their wives or the slaves, that I heir right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy, but Who so craveth beyond that, such are transgressors.” (Al-Mu'minun: 5-7)” (Hold on.. you mean it's permitted in Islam to have sex with slaves?)

Dr. Ali Jum`ah, professor of the Principles of Islamic Jurisprudence at Al-Azhar Univ., says further that licking, sucking and kissing spouse's sexual organs are all allowed, as long as it gives a person sexual gratification that will keep him away from Haram (unlawful) or starring at opposite sex (marriageable). (What do you mean by marriageable, *confused*) But every Muslim must keep in mind that sexual intercourse is just a lust and passion that must be satisfied in a lawful way; it's not to be perceived as necessary as foods and drinks, as it's the case in the Western perverted ideology. (Not to be perceived as necessary.. it’s a luxury then? You idiot, if it didn’t feel good and lusty the human race would have been extinct centuries ago. Is it Western ideology, you moron, that lures young men to blow up themselves along with 3000 other people because upon doing that they will go to heaven and have sex with 70 beautiful virgins??)

Shedding more light on this, Dr. Sabri `Abdul Ra’ouf, professor of Islamic Comparative Jurisprudence, at Al-Azhar Univ, says that it's allowed for the married couple to enjoy each other as long as what they do does not run counter to the teachings of Islam or violate the public norms. He also gives support to the view of Sheikh Al-Qaradawi that oral sex or kissing private parts of the spouse is something viewed disgusting to Muslims, but if the aim is just kissing (without having constant indulgence in it) it's not sinful to do that, but people of high morality (my morality has nothing to do with my sexual organs, thank you) normally keep away from that, as not to give in to imitating non-Muslims.” (So when you watch TV you're not imitating non-Muslims; and when you use your mobile phone you're not imitating non-Muslims; and when you use the internet you're not imitating non-Muslims. So, Muslims came up with those technologies, no?)

In conclusion, it has become clear now that oral sex is not prohibited, but it is not the normal choice for committed Muslims and Muslimahs. (hmm, what is the normal choice, missionary?) That's, despite that oral sex is not Haram, it is completely disgusting (only because you make it so) and does not conform to the pure taste and decency of a Muslim personality. (I had no idea that a Muslim personality had pure taste and decency, so what does a Christian personality look like?)

Here, it should be noted that one of the main objectives of Shari`ah is to safeguard the life of people and keep them healthy. Based on this, if it is scientifically proven that oral sex or such practices cause mouth cancer or form a danger on the health of a person who practices it, then it becomes totally prohibited. (Mouth cancer? How enlightening.. what are you, an oncologist too?)

Question
My question is regarding Ghusl. Having oral sex with one's wife is allowed but is Ghusl Wajib? And if their having a skin contact (falling short of sexual intercourse) leads to secretion, do they need to make Ghusl, especially in the course of having oral sex? Thanks

Answer
As far as Taharah (purification) from male secretions is concerned, Ghusl is obligatory only in two cases: ejaculation of sperm and sexual intercourse. Any other thing that does not end in ejaculation of sperm or having sex does not require Ghusl. If one releases Madhy (pre-seminal fluid or ejection), then Wudu’ is only obligatory. In case of sexual intercourse, Ghusl is obligatory even if one does not ejaculate sperm.

As for oral sex, it is only permitted as a way of stimulation and foreplay. Scholars say that it is Makrooh to do it with the intention of ejaculating in wife’s mouth. This is based on the jurists’ views regarding the impurity of sperm and Madhy. (Someone please explain to me how the stuff that makes babies is impure. Are babies impure?) Anyway, if a husband does have oral sex with his wife, and ejaculates sperm, then Ghusl is obligatory; however, if he only releases Madhy then Wudu’ is only required, and the wife has to wash the Madhy away because it is Najis.

Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, answers:
As far as the “oral sex” question is concerned, we had deliberately avoided the phrase “oral sex” to avoid confusion with “oral stimulation”. Further, we must clearly indicate that any deliberate act of sexual intercourse must be done in the place created for it (i.e., the vagina), while oral stimulation itself is permissible. (wow, the vagina is now a place.. what next, you'll make it a landmark?) If, however, during the course of oral stimulation, ejaculation takes place, one must wash it away if it gets in one’s clothing or mouth. We must further add that no Muslim should ever consider consuming it in any way. (What exactly happens if it's consumed?)

As far as Madhy (pre-seminal fluid) in males as well as its lubricating equivalent in females is concerned, it is considered Najas (impure) in all of the accepted Schools of Fiqh (Jurisprudence) and, therefore, one must definitely wash it away.”
--------------------------

My Answer
Go have oral sex. Nothing is wrong with it. Please each other, it'll make both of you happier.
If you have to ask whether you need a shower after sex then you haven’t had sex yet. It stands to reason that people sweat during sex. If you don’t, then something’s wrong.

I don’t need to explain why people sweat during sex, do I?

Remember, Remember the 5th of November

2008-07-25T09:20:00.003-03:00

I'm certain that all Egyptians are aware of the various transgressions of our totalitarian government. However, I find it mind boggling that the average Egyptian exhibits distasteful shock to the different Orwellian methods used by our dictatorial regime to maintain a stronghold over the country, such as the latest media censorship draft law. It's pure fascism disguised as preservation of moral values.

If the status quo remains, I fully expect Egypt to become the United Kingdom of V for Vendetta. And from there, it's only a hop and a skip away from becoming Oceania of 1984. It seems like a valid deduction. Am I the only one who's being pragmatic, here?

I, like many others, am disgusted by the actions of our government, but I don't fear for the world wide web. It's different from radio; it's not the same as print; it can't be compared to television. Egyptians are fully aware that they have already lost the media battle. Radio is censored and so is printed content, and television as of late. But even if satellite fails us, the internet will not. It is almost impossible to contain it's explosive power: the ability to send material across space from anywhere to anywhere; and all it takes is one. The internet is part of the digital revolution and will remain so for the foreseeable future. They've clearly underestimated it because they never considered the dynamite would be digital.*

Remember, Remember the 5th of November

Bedroom Practices

2008-07-23T16:37:00.013-03:00

WARNING: This article contains sexual content that may be offensive to some. Read at your own risk.

I have often been asked, countless times, the infamous question that leaves many of us pondering, "Which is better, sex with a Westerner or an Arab?"

Sex in the Middle East is a taboo subject, as is widely known. I will most likely get a lot of flack for opening such a flammable topic for discussion, but since this is my little corner of the world I will give myself the freedom to express myself liberally. Before you go any further please read the warning above. If you think you might be offended please do not continue. You have been warned.

The content of this post differs from my usual formula in that it contains no statistics or facts to prove or disprove my opinions. It's derived after much pontification and as a result of mere observation and pure speculation on my part. My conclusions are based on my experience and that of my male and female friends. I knew many Western people who dated Arabs as it was quite common when I attended the American University of Cairo. The multicultural pot within that setting provided ample opportunity for people of different cultures and both sexes to get involved romantically or otherwise. I have no doubt that there are many people who don't fit the norm. I am speaking in generalities, specifically because information on this topic is hard to come by in the Middle East. I haven't had much luck online either, apart from the odd article on the fraudulent Heba Kotb.

Arabs don't speak about sex very often and when they do it's approached in a very conservative manner. The Viagra and Cialis industry is currently running rampant in the Middle Eastern black market. It's common among Egyptian men for example, to use Viagra quite liberally, not because they suffer from sexual dysfunction, but in fact to increase the length of intercourse. Egyptian men understand fully the pleasures of sex and clearly wish to spend more time getting it on. Wouldn't anyone though?? And although it may be a stereotype, most of my friends confirmed that their Egyptian partners had more stamina (without Viagra's involvement) compared to their previous partners, including those from other Arab countries like Kuwait, Lebanon, or Saudi Arabia. Unlike Arab men, Western men, generally are put off by the blue pill and often associate it with failure to perform. In North America, men who use Viagra as an aid usually suffer from Erectile Dysfunction.

Despite that, the general consensus is that Arab men fail in comparison to Western men when it comes to the overall sexual experience. This is partially due to the differences in how men view women. Arab men tend to think of women as consumables and therefore sex becomes a means to satisfy their desire i.e. penetration and ejaculation. Foreplay is not necessary, sometimes unheard of, and in many cases when requested by the female partner knocks the wind out of the man's sailor so to speak. In a typical Arab relationship the man is more concerned about reaching the finish line whereas the woman is left to her own devices.

The Western man on the other hand sees his female partner as an equal in terms of sexual satisfaction. In fact, many of them believe that it's pointless to engage in sex if only one partner reaps all the benefits. Although many Western men find foreplay unappealing/boring, they understand it's necessary to gain mutual satisfaction. This is mainly because men, as visual creatures, are more rapidly aroused while women need more time (usually anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes) to acquire natural lubrication and proper preparation of sexual organs which allows for easy penetration. In summary, although the Western man may not pound as hard and as long as his Arab counterpart, women (both Arab and Western) preferred a long and steady climax with a lot of intimacy, with the latter being a keyword. Arab partners were severely deficient in the intimacy department. During conversation between girlfriends, the term "rabbit sex" was used often and referred to sexually vigorous and aggressive Arab men who did away with foreplay and paid little to no attention to their partner's requests.

On the other hand, men of both parts of the world complained about Arab women being almost "frigid". They found their sexual experience severely lacking because one partner, mainly them, did all the work. Arab women are generally under the impression that men need to satisfy their sexual desires first and so women sort of give in and become passive partners. In some cases a few of my male friends said they abandoned the idea of sex altogether because their partners put very little effort into pleasing them. Arab women seem to think that a man's goal is to simply penetrate and ejaculate. Add to that the prevalent misconception that if she appears experienced she will be in essence admitting to previous relationships and therefore labeled a slut, and in many cases lose her partner. Many men describe in painful detail how their sexual experience resembles making love to a piece of lumber from the hardware store. This undoubtedly leads to frustration and resentment.

That being said, I am certain that there are many Arab men who are good sexual partners and many Western men who are bad, likewise for the female gender. But in general, Arab women have to widen their role as sexual partners if they don't wish to be compared to blow-up sex dolls. I believe everyone should have a distinct personality in the bedroom. Simultaneously, Arab men cannot expect women to behave positively when they act selfishly in the bedroom. Arab men have to educate themselves on the female anatomy to realize that the majority of women do not achieve orgasm by vaginal penetration, rather stimulation of the clitoris, and that foreplay is essential to lovemaking.

Keep in mind, those may be the majority, but I'm not denying that there are Arab men and women out there like dynamite waiting to explode and reach their sexual potential. I have met my fair share of very sensual Arab men, but they are far and few in between. The major difference is their hunger for approval. They seek feedback from their female partners; they want to know what she likes and what she doesn't like. The same goes for Arab women. Many of them enjoy sex and want it to be pleasurable for both them and their partners. Feedback lets them improve their technique and consequently become better and more proficient lovers.

Regardless of ethnicity, sex is a mutual act that frequently leads to orgasm. It's an extremely intense and pleasurable experience, and when practiced between long-term couples, with a little bit of variety, enables a richer, fuller and more passionate connection. When taken out of context and applied sparingly by either partner it leads to strong resentment and often contributes to the destruction of the relationship.

And a word to the wise: Using sex as a bargaining chip (no matter how good you are) is the fastest way to destroy passion and desire. Entice your partner, seduce them, play on their burning sexual appetite. Make them yearn for you, make them crave you and when you finally fulfill their need they will undoubtedly (hands down) give you what you wish for and on a silver platter too.

Indeed, seduction is often underestimated.

DELL

2008-07-22T13:08:00.006-03:00

For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, Dell routes calls from Canadian customers to one of its call centres located in India. The following is a conversation that took place yesterday afternoon between a customer service rep and I...

Rep: Thank you for calling Dell. My name is Kumar Ishampatu. How may I help you today?

Me: Hi, I placed an order last week for an item and when it arrived there was no invoice, only the shipping notice.

Rep: OK, I can help you with that ma'am. May I have the order number, please?

Me: I don't have an order number, because the invoice did not come with the package.

Rep: OK, I can help you with that ma'am. Did the order arrive?

Me: (getting impatient) Yes, the order arrived last week, but without an invoice.

Rep: Was it ordered online?

Me: No, I ordered by phone.

Rep: OK, I can help you with that ma'am. May I have the order number, please?

Me: (husband rolling his eyes) No, listen, the order arrived fine, but without an invoice. I placed the order by phone and the sales rep did not give me an order number so I cannot give it to you because I don't know it.

Rep: OK, I can help you with that ma'am. Let's do this by phone number. What is your phone number starting with the area code, please?

Me: My phone number is area code XXX-XXX-XXXX, and my name is XXXXX.

Rep: OK, can you please confirm your address?

Me: My address is XXXXXX.

Rep: OK, you ordered a Linksys adapter?

Me: Yes, that sounds right.

Rep: OK, I will put you on hold for a moment ma'am while I look up the order number.

Me: Sure... (I wish he would stop calling me ma'am)

Rep: OK, sorry for putting you on hold ma'am. I found the order number. Can I send it to you by email?

Me: Yes, my email is XXXXX.

Rep: OK, thank you ma'am. I will also give it to you now, it's 556698522. Is there anything else I can help you with today, ma'am?

Me: (how about stop calling me ma'am for starters) Yes, I would also like to order another adapter.

Rep: OK, I can help you with that ma'am...

After the conversation was finally over I looked at my husband as I shook my head. While staring at his computer and with a very deep voice (like the one you always hear narrating movie commercials) he said:

ALL FUCKED UP -- ALL THE TIME
DELL!!
If we could do it right, we'd be working for Apple.

Language Barrier

2008-07-20T11:04:00.006-03:00

A brief, but priceless, conversation that took place as I drove my mother to the grocery store:

Mom: You know, life between married couples is often difficult at the beginning. It takes time for them to get used to each other.

Me: Yes, that is often the case.

Mom: I'm talking from experience. Dealing with your dad was not a walk in the park; you know he has a temper.

Me: Yes, but he's mellowed out somewhat in his old age, mother. I'm sure he's easier to deal with nowadays.

Mom: Perhaps, but we never got violent.

Me: (confused) Violence is never the answer.

Mom: So you know it's not the way to resolve differences, then.

Me: Mother, what are you trying to say?

Mom: I'm saying that it is forbidden in Islam to hit your husband.

Me: (even more confused) Who hit their husband!?

Mom: You..

Me: (trying not to laugh) Who told you that?

Mom: It doesn't matter. But you shouldn't do it.

Me: Of course it matters. It matters to me, so who told you?

Mom: So it's true then, you hit your husband.

Me: (on the verge of laughing) Regardless of who told you that, you believed them right away without thinking about it?

Mom: Didn't need to; your husband said it.

Me: (even more confused) My husband told you that I hit him...

Mom: He said it, but not to me.

Me: So you heard my husband tell someone that I hit him...

Mom: No, I didn't hear him, but someone told me that your husband said it.

Me: OK, it's not true, my husband would never say something like that.

Mom: How do you know?

Me: Because it's not true, he wouldn't lie. You know how he feels about lying.

Mom: Well, maybe he's afraid to tell you so he told someone else.

Me: Enough of that, whoever told you is a liar. That didn't happen and never will.

Mom: Mr. XXXXX (an Egyptian friend of the family) told me that your husband complained to him about you.

Me: And you believed Mr. XXXXX right away? He's lying. What exactly did my husband say?

Mom: He said that you hit him. Why would he say it if it wasn't true. You must have hit him then for him to say that. Besides, it's your duty to cook for your family.

Me: (laughing hysterically) Really, mother...

Mom: It's not funny! Good Muslim girls do not hit their husbands. You will go to hell for that. You have to repent and ask forgiveness from God. I want you to pray when you go home tonight.

Me: Mother, it doesn't make sense. Listen to yourself. So you think I hit my husband. He's not exactly a scrawny fellow. He's much taller than I am and he's a big guy. Didn't you see the size of his shoulders, can you really imagine me taking him on and actually winning!?

Mom: Maybe. I dunno. You should stop doing it anyway.

Me: Please listen to yourself. What did he say exactly?

Mom: He said "I don't cook. My wife beats me in the kitchen."

I love my mother dearly but sometimes I feel like I'm living in a sitcom...

Trying to be objective

2008-07-18T19:17:00.011-03:00

------UPDATE------

It seems that the comment made by this woman has spurred a wave insults where everyone who did not like the man's opinion is insulting his person and ignoring his opinion. Why is it that Arabs behave emotionally when in an argument? This is truly very juvenile. And when their argument holds no merit and they lose sight of what they were saying they speak insolently and with contemptuous rudeness to the opposite side. They act all indignant and slighted, and they stop employing their minds. They demean and offend the other side and bask in what they perceive as a victory, all the while feeling inferior because they don't have self control. As politically incorrect as it sounds, I think it has to be said, Arabs are primitive. By behaving like little children with temper tantrums Arabs continuously prove that their minds are simple and unsophisticated. They are proud of the fact that they are unaffected by any sort of civilized influence. They savagely attack their brethren and indulge in mass hysteria. And they wonder why the West has the upper hand...

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The other day I was visiting some of the more popular blogs as usual and I came across a statement in the comment section of one of those blogs. It inspired me to write this post because I think that there is a common misconception among local Egyptians about those of us who live abroad in developed places like the USA, Canada, or Europe. The person who made the comment (as far as I know is an Egyptian woman who lives in Egypt) was responding to an Egyptian fellow blogger who lives in Canada. Apparently, she was offended by a statement he made about the public being blindly led by leaders who have no one's interests at heart but their own. Somewhere in his comment she perceived that he addressed her as ignorant. Although after I read both comments I failed to see the word "ignorant" anywhere, that's not what I wish to discuss today. For the sake of clarity here is an excerpt of her comment (translation follows):

بس يعني مادام حضرتك عايش في العالم الاول
وبتعلم ولادك هناك وها تعيش وتموت هناك وتاخد كمان معاش الدوله الكنديه الكريمه
طب ما تخلينا احنا هنا في بلاد النمنم
بجهلنا عمالين نصارع الجهل والتخلف والبطاله والفساد وكملت بالاحتلال
تقريبا منطقتنا الوحيده اللي فيها كل الموبقات دي ما تسيبنا احنا نحل مشاكلنا
نجيب ابو عمار نجيب ابو عدي
احنا وحظنا بقي
اهو يمكن مرة تظبط ويجي واحد صح
مش عدل تقعد انت تحكي لنا عن الحضارة اللي انت عايش فيها والمدنيه واحداث يوم كندا وتمطرنا ببوستات عن التخلف اللي احنا فيه وتتهمنا بالجهل بدون وما تقدم لنا حل او تقترح بديل
يعني انت مش ايدك في النار زينا.. يبقا بليز بلاش تطلع لنا لسانك من بعيد وتتهمنا بالجهل

Translation:
Sir, since you live in the developed world, you educate your children there, you live there and you will die there, and you will receive pension from "the kind" Canada too, let us be in the third world that it is. With our ignorance we are fighting ignorance, backwardness, unemployment, corruption, and now occupation as well. Our area is almost the only one that has all those bad things; just leave us to solve our problems. We can get Abu Amar, or get Abu whatever, it's us and our luck. Maybe for once it will turn out ok and someone right will come. It's not fair that you keep talking about the civilized place you live in and the events taking place on Canada Day. You shower us with posts about being backward and accuse us of being ignorant without presenting a solution or an alternative suggestion. Your hand is not in fire like us, so please, do not stick your tongue out from afar and accuse us of being ignorant.

I wish to clarify that I am not taking sides here nor do I wish to point out the names of individuals or their aliases, rather I'm trying to explain why this theory of "living in heaven" is not exactly accurate. There are several things I wish to point out.

First, I've noticed that it's very common in Arab culture to respond to something that may be perceived as an insult in a rude and hotheaded manner, as in the way her comment is worded. I think it's very beneficial, and often wise, to simply take a moment, after being exposed to something upsetting, to contemplate things. When I see something that makes my blood boil I generally leave the vicinity of the event, in this case my computer, and wander somewhere else until I gain perspective. Once I feel calmer, I think about responding, because then I can better judge what I want to say, and say it without prejudice. Objectivity is key when arguing. Once you take a personal stake in the matter you lose objectivity and therefore your argument holds no water. Certainly, cooler heads prevail.

Second, to assume that because those of us who live abroad have not gone through the turmoil of living in Egypt is a huge mistake. In fact, the majority of Egyptians who live abroad have left Egypt precisely because they've had enough torture for a life time. There are many of us who were there during various war eras and economic disasters. I wonder did the woman who wrote the comment lose her entire life savings in one of the "Rayyan" investments or the "NN" where thousands of people suffered and have yet to receive a dime? Did she by any chance happen to cross the border from Kuwait to Egypt (during the infamous Gulf war) smuggled onto a cattle truck so Iraqi soldiers don't shoot her? Did she perhaps get raped during the Gulf war while her children watched? Did she lose all her belongings and her house burnt down? Was she witness to her husband shot in the chest by thugs? Was she sexually assaulted as she walked the streets of downtown Cairo? Was she interrogated by Egyptian police in prison and had her genitals electrocuted to gain a false confession? These are all things that happened to people I know, some of them to me personally. It is extremely offensive to assume that those who live abroad haven't suffered any hardships.

Third, everyone has the right to freedom of speech. It is imperious to ask only those who pertain to a situation to comment on it. If we did that, then a jury wouldn't be able to deliberate in a murder case. It is actually more beneficial and even recommended that an objective point of view be introduced to any deliberation so that arguments that hold water may be set aside from those that have no merit. Just because I'm an Egyptian who lives abroad does not mean that I cease to be Egyptian, nor does it mean that I have to be silent about the flaws I see or be allowed to point them out if, and only if, I have a solution for them. I find this behavior to be quite prevalent among Egyptians, where they believe no one is allowed to criticize or say anything bad about Egypt especially if they are living elsewhere.

Finally, those of us who live abroad in places like Canada, where I live, are not getting a free lunch. The main difference between us and the Egyptians who live in Egypt is the presence of civil liberties. We have rights in Canada, and we have many benefits, that is true. However, we pay a hefty income tax every year. In fact, the higher the income, the higher the tax bracket. We work and we work hard. We, unlike many people in Egypt working in government services especially, go to work everyday and are productive. We don't make people wait in lines forever, and we're not rude to every customer that comes into our office. Our work hours remain consistent during Ramadan, and we don't get Eid days off. We shovel tons and tons of snow for 7 months out of the year and we are drenched in rain for 3 more months after that. We have 2 particular months January and February were temperatures drop to minus 30 and minus 45 with winds that could make your nose and ears fall off. We get hurricanes that destroy our homes and tear our trees from our backyards and blow them unto cars and streets. We get snow storms that bury our cars overnight and have to wake up early in the morning to shovel snow up to our waist. And for anyone who has never been exposed to shoveling snow, let me enlighten you. Take a shovel and go to the beach. Try to lift the sand that is saturated with water using the shovel. Now keep doing that for 45 continuous minutes. This is is how long it takes to shovel our driveway. Can you imagine doing that everyday for months, especially in the morning before you go to work, and have a big smile when you go into the office?

So, the moral of the story is, it's not a walk in the park. There is a lot of hard work involved. I only mentioned some of the more minor things. I didn't go in depth about other dramatic events. But I wanted to give a clear picture of what the average day is like. It's not a party, and yet, I would not want to live anywhere else. I love this country with all my heart.

And with regards to the above comment, the person who wrote it did nothing but establish that she is in fact ignorant about others in that she made assumptions about them. The tone of her remark is crude and indicates nothing more than jealousy and her reference to his children and the pension shows nothing but hatred and contempt. And while she may not be ignorant, her comment certainly proves otherwise.

Babylon 5

2008-07-17T07:39:00.007-03:00

Most people are surprised when they hear that I'm a big sci-fi fan and female and Egyptian. I think the entertainment industry in the Middle East is severely lacking in that genre. I always thought that perhaps the Arab audience will come to appreciate science fiction but I've since realized, with all the militant Islamic propaganda, that particular genre will not flourish. Instead, Arabs seem to prefer stories that lack rhetorical and creative force like the ill-conceived Turkish soap opera Nour. And to add insult to injury this particular show has spurred a wave of break ups among spouses across the Middle East. It reminds me of a show I watched 20 years ago called Ra'fat El Haggan, about an Egyptian spy who infiltrated Israeli high command and had a lover named Ester. Back then, many men divorced their wives when they couldn't match Ester's beauty and smarts. Sometimes I wonder if the Arab audience prefers material that lacks substance because they're creatively challenged. Or is it the other way around like the chicken and the egg thing. Nevermind...

I love science fiction and I lose myself in its creative universes and imaginative tales. The eye candy is almost always visually appealing but story plots are often what attract me. My free time is split between science fiction shows and gritty action movies. There are some good dramas out there (that's another post coming soon) but the majority of what I like is either sci-fi or serious action. The last time I went to the movies and saw a romantic comedy was over ten years ago. Yes, sometimes I wonder if I even belong to the female gender. But nevermind that too...

Babylon 5 is undoubtedly the best science fiction series I have ever seen. In my humble opinion, the main story encompasses one of the most airtight plots on television. Each individual episode has a subplot that engages the imagination and also ties in beautifully to the main plot of the Babylon 5 saga. It includes everyone and everything; all people, all races, all religions. Unlike the usual sappy Hollywood romance in feeble comedies and soap operas, the romance in Babylon 5 is almost platonic and as intense as they come. Babylon 5 is an epic. It's themes are not limited to order versus chaos and totalitarianism versus free will, but also includes recurrent ideas about war and peace, religion, dreams and addiction. As the story unfolds, each character transforms to achieve a greater purpose. My two favorite characters by far, are G'kar and Londo. The performances of Andreas Katsulas and Peter Jurasik were striking. The Babylon 5 actors are often thought of as B actors when they are nothing but outstanding. Babylon 5 is all about the bigger picture. Nothing is sacred. Everything is dissected and analyzed, even the presence of God. It most likely would be considered blasphemy if aired in the Middle East today.

In a nutshell, Babylon 5 would be a perfect addition to your sci-fi collection. If you're not a science fiction buff it might just make one of you yet. Below is a fan made video of the introductions of all five seasons. Although the quality is not very good it gives you an idea of the story.

And for all the Babylon 5 fans out there, here is a much better quality tribute video by WB..

A New Flavor of Fundamentalism

2008-07-15T10:41:00.007-03:00

Last week a fellow blogger, Hassan El Helali, lost his web site to one of those fanatics who recently learned how to use the internet. I was not surprised. I've seen it happen before. I've written previous posts about the Muslim fundamentalist ideology and some of it's crazy notions like applying Sharia law in secular countries. It's common knowledge that scare tactics like hacking (by the way, stealing someone's password is hardly hacking; it's cowardly and childish, a disgrace to professional hackers everywhere) a web site only serve to prove that the person who did it is unable to back their point of view using sound arguments and instead seeks to destruct the other party in order to deflect some of the embarrassment they feel. As for the bigot who deleted the blog, he/she has revealed that they are intellectually impotent and unable to maintain a coherent train of thought. In fact, their attempt was just a minor setback as Hassan's new web site was up and running in a matter of days.

For this post, I set out to examine why Muslim fundamentalists fail to gain the respect of their peers.

The term fundamentalist generally refers to someone who maintains a strong adherence to any set of beliefs despite public criticism or unpopularity, but more often than not is associated with religious beliefs. It doesn't necessarily mean riding the subway with a bomb strapped to one's chest and a finger on the trigger while shouting "Death to the infidels!". Although that seems to be a popular choice for Islamic extremists today, it does not encompass the fundamentalists I'm talking about in this post. At any rate, the motives of Muslim suicide bombers are questionable, as they expect to see 40 to 70 virgins in the afterlife upon completing their mission - the number varies so don't quote me on that.

It is typical of a fundamentalist to cling to a stubborn position that defies logic when there is ample evidence contradictory to his/her position. Religious fundamentalists, in particular, have an unwavering commitment to a belief, whether it be Islam or what have you, to which they are totally dedicated and believe in the infallibility and inerrancy of holy scriptures. In that sense they support absolute religious authority and demand strict adherence to a set of basic principles some of which is in direct conflict with social and political norms today.

Conservative Muslims generally believe in the supremacy of Islam and that it's exempt from liability to error. However, that brand of Islamic fundamentalism subjects Muslims to literal interpretations of holy scriptures like the Quran and Hadith. Furthermore, it calls for the merging of state and religion as well as replacement of secular laws with Islamic laws (i.e. Sharia law). There is also a new flavor of Islamic militants who identify themselves as liberal but their loyalty to freedom is disputable. They claim to believe in freedom of speech yet demand that authorities shut down web sites that speak up for women's rights. They are the ones that advocate freedom of faith while bashing agnostics. These are the same people that are intolerant of non-Muslims and treat those who hold secular beliefs with contempt. They visit web sites, abuse bloggers and scold others in the comment section, inevitably causing their exclusion from conversations as is the case in Hafssa's blog.

Their lack of respect manifests itself as they insult and deprecate others. Their inability to hold a mature conversation, in addition to their unbalanced and obsessive behavior, implies single-minded partisanship. Their indignant denial stems from their belief that they're better because they're Muslim. Their tireless and aggressive opposition to freedom, in all its forms, causes them to engage in internet guerrilla style warfare. Their belligerent and combative behavior does nothing but weaken their point of view. They demand to be taken seriously yet continue to act like juvenile delinquents. Perhaps one day (read: when hell freezes over) they'll be able to participate in civilized discussions instead of acting like apes and flinging fecal matter everywhere.

Indeed, respect is earned, not given.

Infidelity

2008-07-14T10:53:00.009-03:00

In recent years the number of people I know has been shrinking considerably. One of the main contributors to that is divorce. "Till death do us part" and "in sickness and in health" are pillars no more. Statistics tell us that people do not wish to remain monogamous any longer. Fifty three percent of marriages end in divorce and that number continues to rise every year. Add to that the number of spouses that commit infidelity. No one knows what the real number is because many who cheat on their partners keep it a secret. The percentage of spouses that actually admit to infidelity, either emotional or physical is 41%. This is no longer a predominant male behavior too. The number of women that admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had is 54%, coming close to the men's 57%. Financial independence is a major contributor to women's infidelity. It seems that as women become more independent they start behaving like men in terms of infidelity. Many factors contribute to cheating but there seems to be a common belief among researchers that the 5 to 7 year mark of a marriage is the most likely time for infidelity to happen. And once it happens the chances of it happening again substantially increase.

Those statistics seem harrowing at first, almost unbelievable, but when I take stock of all the people I know, those numbers are not far off. Over half of the people I know are divorced or separated, and for the majority of them infidelity was the main instigator. I'm not going to discuss why infidelity happens or what factors contribute to the demise of a marriage. I believe that the breakdown of a marriage is the responsibility of both partners. Each of them share in the blame, whether one was aggressively destroying it or passively accepting it. The majority of statistics conclude that infidelity is not a conscious effort. In fact, most people who cheat on their partners are in a state of disbelief themselves specifically at the beginning of an affair, suggesting that it is not a rational decision. The continuing of an affair on the other hand is a different matter.

Divorce, although damaging and a leading cause to depression in men, is not the end of the world however. I know several couples who chose to dissolve their marriage before anyone would have to cheat. One partner simply admitted that he/she is not happy and when differences couldn't be reconciled they opted for divorce. Although that option may be painful, it's a much more desirable outcome compared to infidelity. Another couple I know, also resolved their differences with civility when one partner admitted that they are afraid their frustration with their marriage would lead them to cheat. Many people might see that as a threat but in reality it's a plea for help. It's someone exposing a crack and expressing their desire to fix it before it leads to bigger problems.

I have mixed feelings about people who commit infidelity but remain indignant about the reasons they did it. Several of the people I know who are divorced or in the process of divorce complain that their partners although admitted to having an affair, see nothing wrong with what they did. The most common phrase being "you are the reason I had the affair", where they lay the bulk of the blame on their partner, suggesting that it was he/she that drove them to have an affair. As adults, we are responsible for our own actions and when we admit our mistakes and own up to them it speaks volumes about our character. In fact, the other day, one of the women I know who's in the process of getting a divorce stated "sometimes I think about going back but he won't admit that what he did is wrong, he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong, what's the point of being with someone like that?" It seems that many people are ready to forgive their partners for cheating on them, and even willing to stay married with proper counseling. But what keeps them from achieving peace is the cheating partner's inability to accept the blame for having an affair. Why would any person want to be with someone who expects that person to be responsible for their actions. Is it perhaps love or maybe they stay to prove that they are the loyal partner? I knew a man whose wife was having an affair that he was aware of but wouldn't agree to a divorce. He would say "I'm trying very hard but life with her has become unbearable." He held out for 2 years before he finally realized that he doesn't need to prove anything to anyone and he agreed to a divorce.

Someone else I know, one who is closely related to me is currently in the process of divorce. I can't help but feel guilty. I have an enormous sense of regret because I think I could have done something and I didn't. Instead, I just voiced my concerns to my husband about her partner. In the end he and I decided that it was not our place to interfere. I did not know her partner was cheating, but I definitely expected it. In fact, I predicted it. I am by no means blaming her for what happened, but I feel that perhaps if I had brought some things to her attention maybe she could have done something. Logic tells me that the outcome most likely would have been the same. Infidelity means there are bigger problems within a marriage, things that can not simply be fixed and up and running right away.

Those who have an affair undoubtedly know that it will hurt their partners. But if their claim that causing pain was unintentional, why would they continue to hurt their partners by asking them to take full responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage and for their acts of infidelity? Isn't it a sign of immaturity to expect your partner (or anyone else for that matter) to be responsible for your actions?

I believe cheating is a sign of a weak foundation so to speak, not just within a marriage but also within a character. I think infidelity indicates a deficiency in character. And persistence to blame another for one's own actions points to a lack of courage and breadth of mind. Refusing to deal with the consequences of one's actions is indicative of juvenile behavior. After all, isn't it our commitment and reliability that qualify us as potential partners? Isn't it our experience coupled with our objectivity that defines our character? Isn't it our ability to show restraint and our accountability that marks our passage into adulthood?

Statistics obtained from Infidelity Facts

Canadians of Convenience

2008-07-13T13:44:00.006-03:00

Last year, a distant cousin that I haven't seen in over 10 years contacted me by phone. She is currently living in Saudi Arabia with her husband and children. She asked about me and my family and congratulated me on the arrival of our newborn. She particularly asked about Canada and what it's like to live there. I described in detail what I loved about Canada and how happy I am that I live here and that she is making a good choice for the future of her family by deciding to live in Canada. She told me that her husband is in the process of applying for immigration with an office in Saudi Arabia, and she passed me on to her husband to explain that they needed some information from me. I was excited to know that I will finally have a family member who lives in the same country as do I. I was ecstatic to help.

Her husband explained to me that the office in Saudi Arabia is asking for many things among them proof of a relation in Canada. In other words, they needed to submit papers which would indicate that they have a family member already living in Canada, is a Canadian citizen, and also financially sufficient. I'm not sure in what way they were applying for immigration but to my knowledge this is not a condition for application, but that's another story for another time. Among the things I had to submit was a copy of my birth certificate, a copy of my Canadian citizenship, pay slips from my employer, my bank account statements, my credit card statements, and my income tax documents, all of which I was uncomfortable divulging as it's all personal stuff, not to mention I didn't want everyone I knew back home to know my personal business. Nonetheless, I quickly started weighing the pros and cons of their request and thought it might be a small sacrifice if it meant I would have family here.

I was surprised and infuriated to learn from her husband that upon acceptance of their application they only intend to come to Canada for the landing requirement. After that, he said "we will remain in Saudi Arabia just like our neighbors. They have an Egyptian lawyer in Canada who rents an apartment in their name and submits some documents in their name to appear like they live in Canada." To say I was appalled would be an understatement. He added "you know we are not the type to live in Western societies, we can not do that, we prefer to stay in an Arab country, but we need the Canadian passport because it's beneficial, you would know more than anyone." I told them I need some time to think about it. The next day I contacted my cousin and explained to her that it will be difficult to obtain all those documents before their assigned deadline and I used bureaucracy as an excuse.

Two days later, my father contacted me to tell me that my cousin had complained about my reluctance to help. The following conversation ensued:

Dad: How come you don't want to help them - they are family.

Me: First of all, they want my bank statements and credit card statements, and they also want my pay stubs. I am not going to give that information to some nutcase in a Saudi office. Would you give your bank account number to anyone??

Dad: No, don't give them that stuff. Just give them my birth certificate then, they can put me down as a relative.

Me: Dad, did you speak to her husband? Did he tell you what they plan on doing?

Dad: No, what?

Me: They have neighbors that have the Canadian citizenship, which have a lawyer here that rents and apartment in their name and submits the taxes in their name to make it look like they are living in Canada. She and her husband want to do the same thing. He told me that in our last conversation. He also said that they cannot live in Canada because they prefer to live in an Arab country.

Dad: What is this, are they crazy? Ok just give them the birth certificate and that's it.

Me: (the ever anal retentive detail oriented that I am) Dad, do you want to be involved in a plot to defraud the Canadian government? Because by aiding someone you know for a fact is plotting to commit a crime then you are an accessory by default. And in addition you would be subject to rescindment of your Canadian citizenship.

Dad: Listen we don't want any problems. I will tell them we want nothing to do with this. These are crazy people who don't know what they want. Forget it. If they want to come to Canada they have to do it without our help. Don't worry about it.

It is unfortunate, but there are many families, specifically Arab, that fall into the above category. Canadians of convenience, the term used to describe them today, are immigrants who obtain the Canadian citizenship and move back to their home country but keep the Canadian citizenship as a safety net in case they become ill or encounter legal difficulties abroad. I have no objection to people seeking to immigrate to Canada. I have a problem with people who wish to stay in their home countries but use Canada as their back-up without paying taxes or working in Canada. For example, many of these people come back to Canada when they are sick or terminal because the health care system here is publicly funded, i.e. free. Most of them are looking for free education for their children and social security for when they retire. While I don't wish to see ill people without medicare, I think it is unfair to expect me and my fellow Canadian citizens who live in Canada to have to pay taxes and bear the burden of people who don't pay taxes, are not productive members of society and leech off the system. The majority of Canadians of convenience do not report income on their tax returns despite the fact that they receive a steady and often large income from gainful employment in their home countries. I have a problem with the inherent hypocrisy of those individuals who shun the West and Canadian culture for being too liberal and unbearable yet stop at nothing to obtain the Canadian citizenship.

I understand that some immigrants have strong ties to their homeland, but there must be a reason they immigrated to Canada. If the ties were that strong to begin with, howcome they did not withstand whatever it is that forced them to leave? I understand that some immigrants are afraid of persecution and want freedom of speech and mobility among other things, but why go back to a place that offers none of those things? Indeed, I'm often viewed by friends and family members back in Egypt as unpatriotic because I insist on remaining in Canada. Many of them expected me to move back home when I received my Canadian citizenship despite the fact that in Egypt my freedom as a person is limited and my rights as a woman are non-existent. I see no reason to plant myself in a situation where the outcome is undoubtedly undesirable. It's only common sense. But even though others may think of me as a traitor I still love Egypt very much. It is precisely because I care about Egypt that I am very critical of her. I want to see her become a better country. I want to be proud of her but she repeatedly fails me.

Egypt is like the homeless crack-addicted mother who abandoned her newborn in the nearest dumpster and wandered the dark alleys looking to pay for her next fix via a blowjob. Canada is like the adoptive mother that heard the screams of a tiny baby in a dumpster, took it in, fed, protected, nurtured and treated the child as one of her own. Perhaps someday that biological mother will recognize she is a drug addict and get cleaned up. Perhaps she will one day regain my trust and rightfully demand my allegiance. But until then, my adoptive mother deserves all my loyalty, because for all intensive purposes she is the one who rescued me and continues to provide for me today.