The Damsel in Distress Syndrome

I am generally a patient person. Recently, however, I have grown tired and impatient with my fellow Egyptian sisters who demonstrate to me how few of them are able to slip out of the noose of injustice wrapped around their collective necks.

I often marvel at the number of mothers, daughters, and sisters who talk about what they deserve as a right yet revel in playing the damsel in distress. They blame their inability to achieve what they want on the unchallenged authority of the men in their family. I believe that where there's a will, there's a way. Think of yourself as a victim and you will always be one. We make our own dreams; we set our own goals. We know our strengths and our shortcomings. Anyone can do anything if they set their mind to it. I have done this time and time again. I am not special nor are the other strong women I know. Overcoming the traumas we experience in our life is part of living. Victory doesn't come in just one flavour. Defeat is only momentary. It is fear of defeat and thus the lack of trying that keeps those women subdued.

At best, the Egyptian Jane (or Laila, as many would like to refer to her) seems lost and confused. At worst, she is being misled by a variety of women's movements and groups who claim to support women but do very little for them. I can't say that they are all evil, and I realize that I am not obligated to help but I actually believe in women's rights and if those organizations can manage to bring about change then I want to do my part to make that dream come true. Still, I have been told that such groups won't affect much because they don't even know what they want. At first I thought that as the case with any cause when it starts, there is a lot of vagueness and a general direction without a focused mission. I thought that perhaps with time, things will become clear. Unfortunately, some of those groups have been around for a while without any indication that they have come any closer to figuring out what their goals are and how to achieve them.

After much thought, I have come to believe that in this case, time is not a factor. We have people who are leading those movements into a sort of regression without even realizing it. For instance, many of them call for freedom and equality between women and men. Their actions, however, speak louder than words. Their actions demonstrate that they don't really want equality or freedom, which begs the question - do they even know what freedom is?

As of late, I have noticed that many of those groups do not achieve what their founders set off to do. I am fairly certain that the founders' intentions are noble. They genuinely care about women. I don't think they have hidden agendas and I don't think their personal gain is substantial. Naturally, the group's intentions are clear, it's motivation obvious, but the application is flawed because it's goal is diluted. Such groups have become jaded about some of the deeply seeded issues facing women today. Hence, the distorted version of freedom and equality.

I think freedom comes with responsibilities. And these women want the freedom without the responsibilities. They don't really want to be equals. How many of them believe that it's a man's responsibility to solely provide before and after marriage, whereas it's optional for women? How many of them believe that it's okay to work within the confines of the prison that they have created for themselves? How many of them believe that they have the right to manipulate men? How many of them believe that women should be able to choose their line of work freely, but at the same time believe that there should be special conditions for women who need to go home early so they don't walk home late at night? How many of them believe that a women is entitled to a good home and money that is to be supplied by the husband? How many of them demand that women be free to travel without a man, yet shun other women who actually do it?

This is not equality. This is special treatment. It's very similar to the whole gay issue in North America. In my opinion, many gay organizations that call for the rights of gays have done a great disservice to the cause. Gay organizations want special treatment; they want special protection under the law, so that if a crime is committed against someone who is gay then it automatically becomes a hate crime. This is why there has been a lot of resistance to pass laws that support gay people. It's not because the average Joe hates gays. On the contrary, he has nothing against gays, but it's because those organizations are asking for impossibilities. Isn't any violent crime a hate crime? Is a gay man's life somehow worth more than a straight man's life? We have similar problems with racial crimes. When a white man kills a black man the first assumption is that it is a hate crime because it is racially motivated. Similarly, I think these women want special treatment under the law.

In the past, I have dealt with members of many organizations that call for women's rights. Initially, I encountered problems. Communication breakdown was primarily responsible for those problems. It was as if I was on a different wavelength altogether. I was often told that what I say is "unclear" or doesn't make sense. An Egyptian friend of mine once said...

You speak a different language altogether. I do not mean English, Arabic or such. You speak a cerebral language. They are more into the "touchy, feely" approach. You are a person who will get out of her way to achieve what she believes in; they are seeking relief in venting.

Laila is an emotional , timid, young girl who is restive under society's heavy-handed control, yet dreads being called defiant or recalcitrant. She will talk the talk, and will be content with limited success. I think she seeks relief and some measure of change but nothing audacious or earth shattering. Dont expect her to take drastic measures or to reinvent herself. The risks and costs are too great for her to do that. Yes, she is emotionally and socially stunted, and will produce another generation of slightly less stunted daughters. Change will not come at an exponential rate.

I have grave doubts about the effectiveness of [those groups]. Their goals aim mainly to collect and document testimonies and personal histories as a form of self expression and to raise awareness. Nowhere do they state where do they envisage going from there, who exactly is their target group, nor how far do they see the ripples of their 'movement' affecting the larger society. The intention is noble, the need great, but it can only skim the surface...they are only talking amongst themselves.

The premise that women deserve better because they have been abused for so long and that somehow this entitles them to more is a very limited, perhaps even myopic, view of the issues surrounding women's rights. Women do not deserve better but are entitled to the same rights as everyone else, and that includes all the responsibilities that are an extension of those rights. To separate the two would be foolish. Those groups inadvertently demonize men while disregarding that women's contributions are part of what makes patriarchal societies flourish.

As women, our ability to empathize puts us at a most advantageous position to negotiate our disagreements and misunderstandings. Our ability to carry offspring within us provides us with an opportunity to connect; it does not give us the right to manipulate, threaten, and withhold. Our ability to raise children is our chance to leave a strong legacy; it does not give us the right to dictate who those children should be. Our sexual appeal is a positive method of communication; it does not give us the right to control and dominate.

It is one of my dreams, and perhaps an unattainable one, that all Egyptian women are set free. But before they demand freedom from those who keep them restrained, they have to free themselves from within first.

The fundamental lesson here: Freedom is not given. It is taken.